And What I Dont Understand Is If You Loved Me How Come You Never Gave In

Better late than never. That's what everyone says, an empty line that is supposed to make you feel better, but in reality, it makes you feel worse, and oddly, it makes you wonder. Wonder how having you later rather than now is better than having you now, how having your kisses and love is better later than now. I know that somehow the saying is a comfort because never is also an option in our case, the pride gets in your way and my stubbornness gets in mine no matter how much I want you to come back and hold me like before because I'm so tired of looking up at the sky crying and asking why, why when I finally decide to give love a chance again it all bursts into flames. Why don't I ever get to keep the ones I fall in love with I hope you know that if I were put in a room with everyone I've ever liked and dated I would run to you without hesitation. You were all my firsts, my first kiss my first everything I call my first real love even though I wrote so many diary entries about my other love you felt more real to me you were more present than he ever was. I've written so many stories trying to vent and empty myself and maybe I do but somehow I always get filled up again it's been eighty-one days since we were last you and I and I don't know if I should be happy that I get to grow but deep down I know I wanted to grow with you I hope you know you lost a girl who would've done everything for you I would've done everything to make you happy and for the time we were together I did everything I had to do to keep you happy to make sure you stayed. I hope you know I'm the only one who will love you so deeply you'll never be able to replace that. How you felt was incomparable to anything I've ever felt before you felt safe and whole and everything I've ever dreamed of since I knew the real meaning of love. After all this, I doubt if I know love at all, is it some sort of hallucination we made up just to put a label on something we don't understand? I completely gave myself to you I gave you my emotions my thoughts my feelings, the things that I normally hog for myself I gave you the things that make me happy the things that make me laugh, and the things that make me mad and angry the things that make me want to cry and explode there's so many things I wish I could tell you now. How much I've changed and grown how much I've accomplished I hope you know I would've loved to be able to talk out our problems but I also would've been fine with pretending as long as I got to keep you next to me I would rather cry and know we will talk the next day then not cry but know that we won't talk. People say love is a beautiful thing but think it's so scary, the way that either one of us could just get up and leave at any moment and never give an explanation to the other one in this pair and it's. It's the way that I need you to help me get over you, you were the only one who knew what I felt every second of the day you knew how much cooking frustrated me even if I was just cooking an egg you knew how much I love road trips but also knew I could never sit still. You know the way I love Bad Bunny and the way I've been following his whole career you know every part of me and If you ever decide to come back I'll still be the same girl. I say that I'm over you but I know that if you were to call right now I would pick up in a heartbeat and hear everything you have to say even if its ´´´´´´´ I hate you because at least I would get to hear your voice one more time it scares me, the way I forgot the way your voice sounds how I only remember you voice in only one audio you sent but I also know that I would never believe that you hate me. How can you hate someone who you spent the whole summer with? Shared so many moments and so much time and secrets and laughed together so many times? I long to know if you would've kept me a secret forever and how that conversation would've gone, even if that conversation killed me. There are so many chapters in our book we never got to write, I wonder if you ever think of me at all or if I was just the girl of the summer, and if you do think of me at all I wonder if we ever think of each other at the same time. If you ever think of the way that when I laugh I cover my mouth or my favorite song and what my favorite drink is or the way that when I feel scared I curl up into a little ball. I hope you know you made me feel safe and secure I loved your voice the way that you would tell me so many beautiful things and the way you would ask me if I ate and tried to get me to eat anything as long I wasn't not eating but every wolf has to dress like a sheep and I wish the wolf died but the sheep stayed I hope you know I don't regret you being my first kiss, loved you enough for my first kiss to be you, you're my greatest love but also my greatest regret. My mom says that everything you did for me was fake, that you only did them to keep me trapped in your cage so I couldn't escape and find the real you, but what she doesn't understand was that I didn't mind being in your cage because it meant I was at least with you and that was all that really mattered. I don't think she will ever understand what was really going on between us, sometimes I don't even understand it myself. All my friends said you were treating me like a princess and that I finally got the man that I deserved that you letting me french braid your hair meant you where in love with me. But then again I only told them the parts I wanted them to know, they never knew about how I always said sorry first when we argued or all the things you had me do even if I did it voluntarily. I only told them what I wanted them to know because maybe deep down I knew what you were doing was not okay and I didn't want them to tell me and have me leave you because for the time I knew you, you were my air my every breath my life was you and I was more than okay with that. Every small thing you did made my heart beat 10000 times faster than it normally does, I miss you getting me Dr.Pepper at work before you left and letting me watch your shows with you while you were on break I miss drinking out of your water bottle and eating your food and you sneak feeding me fries that one time. I miss fidgeting with the charms on your car keys and messing with all the things in the car.I miss the way that when I would arrive you would open the door for me from the inside, I never opened the door for myself, I miss the way you said that I looked beautiful every time I left the car I miss blowing you air kisses every time we said goodbye from outside the car. I miss stalling our goodbyes because I never was ready for you to leave. The last thing you said to me in person was Te vez muy hermosa and I said Gracias Intento ser linda para ti. I still remember what your necklace looked like, It was a heart with flowers in it you said you hadn't taken it off for 5 years, I miss messing with it and looking at it while you looked at me.Maybe my mom was right and you didn't actually love me but if you want the win you got the win, you broke the most beautiful girl that would've done anything to make you happy, and somehow she still hopes you'll come back to fix her pieces. But for now congratulations you win, how does it feel not to cry?