Diary of an Abominable Snowman

New Year’s Eve’s Eve turned out to be a lackluster day. Tomorrow is the holiday party, but I could care less. I spent the last eight hours in a 70-pound abominable snowman costume waving to kids and sweating my ass off.

See, when I’m not at work, I spend hours on the phone with this girl, Annie. I don’t know how she has time for her alleged boyfriend when she spends every waking second texting or Facetiming me. I’m at my wit’s end here. I’ve been single for nearly a year, and I finally found a girl that gets me, like really understands me. Nope. Nada. I was wrong.

She told me, “I probably shouldn’t say this, but I have a crush on you.” GREAT! WONDERFUL! Let’s do something about it! But no, I screwed that part up. I didn’t seal the deal. I let her keep dragging me along the proverbial leash. 

All I want to do is throw my face into the pillow and never wake up—disappear for a bit. But, no, I don’t want to die. Come on that would be morbid.

Look, all I really want is to get to the bottom of why she’s hanging me out to dry. I mean, I’m a good guy, right? I tell her how beautiful she is every day, I listen to her relationship issues, hell, I even sing for her, and I’m not that great, but I do it anyway! I’m throwing myself at her, and it seems the only outcome is me getting handed another broken heart.

I think about Annie on a daily basis. It’s pathetic, I know. I’m in turmoil, though; navigating the world is hard. I’m 19, and all I want is a woman who’ll treat me well, a good-paying job, and a decent place to live. It’s not too much to ask.

Thankfully, my shift is over, and the park is getting ready to close. Hallelujah.

I get to the back and start undraping my wooly costume. Yes, I work at a theme park dressed as the abominable snowman, Bumble, from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

The stagehands remove the costume head while a hook lowers to take the body off—finally, fresh air.

I pull my arms out because I don’t want to end up like the Wampa in The Empire Strikes Back after Luke Skywalker slices his arm off with a lightsaber. 

I’m a hot, sweaty mess, and this time it’s because of the costume. I wiggle my way out of the oversized legs, and I’m left standing in a spandex bodysuit. And to be completely honest, I can see every outline in these undergarments, which means so does everyone else. They are very unforgiving. Thank God there was no one else nearby—

My scream was not masculine, and I don’t think my attractive wayfarer thought so, either. The onlooker is a coworker of mine, and her name is Jermaunee; she works as one of the reindeer.

I grabbed part of the curtain hanging backstage to cover myself. I tried very hard to hide my shame and embarrassment, but here’s the thing, Jermaunee didn’t budge. She stood there, laughing at me, but it felt different. She wasn’t ridiculing me; she thought it was genuinely funny. A small part of me did, too, but I was too embarrassed to crack a smile. 

Still, the point is she stayed there and didn’t move. I didn’t know what to do, so I told her, “Sorry you had to see that.”

And to my surprise, she continued the conversation, “It’s alright, I needed that tonight. It’s been a long day.”

“I hear you on that,” I replied.

I’m still in shock because what is this girl doing? I’m practically naked, and she will not leave! Then, finally, after she stopped giggling, she said, “Whenever you get dressed, come find me in the breakroom, I want to talk to you.”

And my dumbass asked, “Me?”

“No, the abominable snowman. Yes, you! I had a dream about you.”

And again, my dumbass asked, “A dream? About me?”

“Am I talking to a wall?” she chuckled. “Hurry up and get dressed, then come find me.”

Jermaunee had a way of piercing my defenses. She clonked out of the room in her reindeer costume, and now I felt like Rudolph because my nose shone brightly as a ripe tomato.

I stood there much longer than I should have; the stage manager yelled at me to hurry up and clear out. I swiftly changed out of the sweat-drenched spandex and couldn’t stop thinking how Jermaunee had come out of nowhere. We spoke briefly before and shared a table at dinner with other cast members once or twice, but this was our first one-on-one interaction.

I hastily dressed and sprinted to the breakroom. I burst through the door, and there she was. Jermaunee vigorously brushed her hair, attempting to get the knots out.

“Hey, you,” she said.

I’d never seen this side of her; she intrigued me.

“Hey,” I said, not trying to be too awkward, “How was your shift?”

“Sweaty,” we both chuckled at her comment, “but I’m looking forward to bowling tonight.”

Ah, yes. Bowling. I was going to go with Annie, but she had other plans. So I figured I’d go home, but everyone else was going, and since I hadn’t said anything, Jermaunee asked, “Did you drift into a different dimension?”

“Yes, no. Sorry— No, I’m here, and yes, I’m going,” I eventually replied.

“Great!” Her smile was intoxicating, and the choker around her neck radiated sex appeal. No wonder I kept stumbling over my words.

She let down her hair and stowed her brush away. She got up, palms flat on the table, leaned over towards me, and said, “Well, I guess I’ll see you there.”

I floated into a trance and said, “For sure.”

Did I mention that I was an idiot? The whole point of meeting her was to hear about this dream. I jumped up from the table, banged my knee underneath, and hopped to the door. When I looked outside, she had already slipped away in the night.

***

I showed up at the bowling alley a little after most of the crew arrived to blend in. I wanted to find Jermaunee, but on the way over, I got sucked into a self-destructive phone call with Annie.

She missed me, so she claimed. I didn’t know what to believe. I sat off to the side while everyone had a great time. Even the neon blacklights and disco ball couldn’t ping my interest.

So, instead of enjoying the bowling and the camaraderie of a great group of people, I stared at my phone, trying to do damage control with a girl who didn’t want to commit to me.

Jermaunee bounced onto the seat next to me with a liveliness that only she could have at nearly midnight after an entire shift of character work.

She referenced my phone and playfully asked, “Who’s that? Your girlfriend?”

“No,” I replied, “It’s not my girlfriend.”

“Well, you’ve had your nose in your phone since we got here, so she must be important.”

I replied, “So, you’ve been watching me?”

“Maybe,” she snickered.

I didn’t know if Annie was important anymore or not. But one thing was certain, Jermaunee intrigued me.

We talked well into the early morning hours; I learned about her childhood, goals, ambitions, and how she loves to dress up in different fashions. She showed me a picture where she wore a hot pink, skintight ensemble. She styled her hair in space buns, and the color matched her dress. She was a modern-day Princess Leia with an edginess that started to drive me crazy.

Three a.m. came quicker than I wished, but we both had our final shift of the season tomorrow, plus the party afterward.

“I guess we should go, huh?” she asked.

“I don’t want to, but yeah.”

She gathered her belongings while I watched; I wanted to believe she was authentic, yet I kept fighting myself.

She turned to me, one arm holding her purse with her drink in the other hand. “I had a great time tonight. I’m glad you showed up.”

“Yeah, me too. You’re awesome— I mean, more than that. You’re great, really great.”

She chuckled at my awkwardness, “You’re really great too. See you tomorrow?”

“Oh yeah,” I said. Jermaunee kissed me on the cheek and walked out. I should have run after her, grabbed her by the waist, and kissed her. I thought about it, and by the time I talked myself into it, she was pulling out into the street.

I meandered to my car; I was happy, more than I’d been in a long time. But I didn’t know her true intentions. I could ask her how she felt, but that meant I’d have to figure out how I felt, and I was too tired to dive into that wasteland.

And if analyzing my feelings was rough, the drive home proved much worse. Annie called, ranting about the problems with her boyfriend, Jay. Eventually, I couldn’t do it anymore. So I made up an excuse to get off the phone. I was so conflicted at that moment that I wanted to ghost her and slip away into a world she wasn’t part of.  

I reached my apartment and went straight to my room. I didn’t brush my teeth or change my clothes. Instead, I plopped down on my bed, closed my eyes, and dozed into dreamland.

***

The mid-day sun woke me through tattered curtains. I rolled out of bed and stretched as I found the bathroom. I checked the time and realized I slept through my alarm. I rushed out of my place; I didn’t change my clothes or eat anything. I ran my fingers across my head; no time to tame that mop of a hairdo.

The drive to work was fast and odd. I’m lucky I didn’t get pulled over, but I caught a bunch of people looking at me, speechless, as if they saw a ghost.

My tardiness was inevitable as I ran towards the Rudolph theatre. As the stage manager held a not-so-pleasant meeting, I walked in during the brunt of the discussion.

“Does anyone know where our Bumble is?”

Crickets.

“Alright, we open in 40 minutes, people! Any ideas?”

Nobody heard my yelling. I was right there, yet no one could see me. I was invisible. I found myself on the outside looking in, but where was I? I tried tapping a coworker on the shoulder, but my hand went right through them. What happened to me?

The group suggested that props pull out the old animatronic snowman from decades ago.

The stage manager reluctantly agreed, “It may not function as before, but we’ll do our best with what we’ve got. Let’s move, people!”

Everyone rushed to get ready while the props department pulled the display from the storage area. I stood there in complete disbelief. Was I dead?

I started to experiment as I traveled through reality. My legs were gone, and a translucent silver trace trailed behind me. As I crossed the stage, moving through set pieces and curtains was easy, and if I wanted a different vantage point, I simply aimed for that position, and it happened.

I didn’t know what this meant, and my mind— or was it my mind? Did I have a brain anymore? Was I just a spirit? I had no clue.

I returned backstage once more, greeted by the arrival of the animatronic Bumble. Everyone gathered around admiring it.

“It looks so real; does it still work?”

“Why did we even switch to costumes? This thing is legit!”

“Its mouth can open and everything! The costume head can’t do that!”

The comments made me feel GREAT. I was about to leave and exist elsewhere because what could I do? But, before I left, the stage manager returned to deliver one final instruction before we opened.

“Everybody gather up. Okay, I know today will be a lot different with the “new” Bumble but listen, you all are professionals. We adapt and overcome. We are a team. Whatever happens, go out there and do your job. Props will do their best with the animatronic, so reindeer; you’ll have to bring the house down and play it up as much as possible. Everybody ready?”

The pow-wow ended, and I felt hopeless. I was supposed to be out there, but everyone loved the animatronic so much— it didn’t matter. I planned to leave, but I overheard one of the stagehands say, “Annie, you and Kayla are with Bumble for the first shift.”

I guess it couldn’t hurt to hang out a bit.

I cruised through the curtains and onto the stage. I rested next to the snowman, loathing its presence. Annie walked through me and asked Kayla, “Is there a draft over here?”

No, that’s just me, you— I’ll hold my tongue.

“So, Annie,” Kayla said, upbeat and perky, “weren’t you talking to that guy who was supposed to be in the abominable costume?”

Oh, this is great. I’ll enjoy this.

“Yeah! He’s sweet. I don’t know where he is, though.”

I’m sweet? Maybe she’s just saying that.

“That’s weird,” Kayla replied, “So anyways, what’s going on between you two?”

Here we go; this is what I’ve waited for.

“Well, he’s cute. I have a crush on him, but I don’t know. There’s not a lot there.”

WHAT!

Annie kept going, “I mean, he’s nice, he listens to me, and we talk all the time—I just wanted something as a backup because things with Jay and me are just flat.”

I couldn’t believe it. That two-timing, no-good skank! Pardon my language but come on! She’s stringing me along until she breaks it off with her boyfriend! I was livid.

“So, what are you going to do?” Kayla asked.

“I don’t know. I’ll probably tell Jay it’s over, then make plans with the snowman. He’ll freak when I tell him I’m single.”

I had never hated someone until that moment. I steamed away from the encounter and levitated to the catwalk. There I could wallow about my sad and lonely exist— whatever it was!

***

My presence became enigmatic as I wasted away above the Rudolph set. I hadn’t figured out where I would go or what I would do in this new life. I gazed down at the last guests walking through. The kids loved Bumble. Typical.

The soundtrack that overlayed the theatre announced to guests that Rudolph and his friends needed to leave and take a long winter’s nap in preparation for their flight with Santa. So, I swirled to the fake Bumble to profess my disgust for that atrocious hunk of fur-covered metal.

As I scolded the snowman, I felt a visitor’s presence behind me. Clarice, the reindeer, approached the abominable and removed her headgear. It was Jermaunee. I stumbled backward inside the animatronic and watched her through the small eyelets. She placed her reindeer head on the ground and gazed upon the snowman.

“Well, I was hoping you would show up tonight. I never told you about my dream.”

I’M RIGHT HERE! TELL ME, PLEASE!

She continued, “Let’s just say we shared a kiss at the holiday party. I know it’s silly; we hardly know each other, but something about you draws me in.”

She caressed the furry cheek of the snowman, and I noticed a glint of sadness on her face. Then, she slowly turned to leave, her fingers lingered on Bumble’s face, and said, “I’ll catch you later, snowman.”

I couldn’t bear to watch her leave. I had to do something. I outstretched my arms, or spirit fingers, whatever they were, and reached into a different realm. I started to become one with the snowman. I felt something happening, like a current running through me. Then, miraculously, I started moving the arms, and I could turn the head.

I startled Jermaunee as she whipped her head back. But she wasn’t afraid for very long. I tried motioning for her to come closer, but I couldn’t articulate anything. All my energy felt like it was leaving me as if it was returning to where it belonged. Jermaunee carefully inched closer and smiled. Had I been there physically, we’d be staring each other in the eyes. I couldn’t keep my focus any longer.

As I felt myself fading, the snowman short-circuited, knocking Jermaunee to the floor, and I felt numb. I couldn’t see or hear anything. I floated in darkness, spinning uncontrollably toward what looked like a faint light.

Then I noticed the light get brighter, and the spinning intensified. I was moving so fast that I had no sense of direction. Soon, the light became so bright that I was blinded, and when I got close, I felt as if I had smashed into a wall.

When I became conscious, I sprang up, realizing I was in bed. I was lying on my sheets and looked toward the comforter’s end.

MY FEET!

I ran to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. There I was. I sprinted out the door and jumped in my car. This time I raced back to work, got the same looks as before, and sped to the holiday party.

I had made it in time. Everyone was there, and then I found Jermaunee sitting alone at a table, clapping as they gave out the end-of-show awards.

I caught my breath and carefully trodded over to her table. I eased beside her and whispered, “Did I miss anything?”

She quickly turned, smiled ear to ear, and said, “I knew you’d find me. Now, let me tell you about that—”

Before she finished, I leaned over and kissed her. Her lips were soft, and I felt a special way one can only find in a dream.