Thinking back to what we were, my heart dropped. The thought of you brought back a wave of emotions I thought I had buried.
Listening to my playlist through my car speakers, our song came on. It wasn’t even our song, but I asked you to send me some good music to listen to and you sent me a song that all but said you loved me, that you thought it was impossible to feel that way about anyone.
Driving through the hills at night was dangerous as it was, but it was raining. As the rain hit my windshield, I thought about us.
You had entered my life as a friend, as a teacher, someone who helped me through my toughest times, you helped me realise my potential, my worth. My relationship fell apart as I chose to rebuild myself from the ground up, I chose to work through my traumas, and finally do things that made me happy.
My family had turned against me for a very long time because of it, and they blamed you for it. In any normal circumstance, I would have told you we couldn’t be friends, purely for this reason. But I felt you. I could see you. I could see who you were and what you stood for, and I placed my absolute trust and faith in you. You were a beautiful soul.
I thought about you, and how you had changed so much over the time I knew you. You were so caring, you walked me through everything. And then you started to get real funny. You would stop talking to me because you weren’t doing well, and you didn’t want to burden me, it took so much of my energy to keep you in my circle.
We would go through these periods of you not talking to me, and I would constantly hold space for you and message you to see if you were okay, and you would just leave me on read.
My heart started to hurt, my soul felt like it was being torn apart thinking about it all, but I couldn’t help it. It was like my brain was forcing me to think about it, I couldn’t escape it. The rain hit the windshield harder as I drove faster, trying to escape these thoughts.
You were the first person I ran to after my break up, because you called me your best friend and that you loved me. You always told me you loved me. And I could feel it, I could see it in your eyes. I spent every second weekend at your house. I would drive up after work, we would drink, and we would go to bed. And you never touched me, I was your best friend, you didn’t see me that way… Until you did one night. You cuddled me, after a big drinking session. I remember I drank so much, and I was so restless, and you pulled me in and held me close. And you soothed me and you looked after me. When I spoke to you about it, you said it didn’t mean anything. I was left hurt and confused, all the things you said, you did and the feelings I felt from you said different.
It started to become a regular thing, where we would cuddle after a drinking session, although you were never drunk.
I remember the one night I saw you drunk, you cuddled me and you held me like your life depended on it. You stroked my hair, held my hands and kept saying you liked what was happening. When I asked you what you meant, you pulled me closer and simply said “this.”
You called me babe, you kissed the back of my head, my arm, you held me so intimately, and you still called me your best friend. You became distant after I approached you about it. You said you didn’t want to lose me as a friend, you didn’t want to risk losing me out of your life all together.
I had to sit there and watch you talk to another girl, while you would still come to bed with me and cuddle.
And then it happened. The one thing I never thought we would do, it happened, we slept together.
My mind snapped back to the road I was driving down. The rain was a reflection on how I was feeling, angry and upset.
I remember how we used to talk about how we had to have a connection to do anything like that, an emotional, spiritual bond with someone. If there was no love, there was no point.
When I approached you about it, you said you didn’t know why you did it, and you think we shouldn’t do it again and stay friends.
Then you tried again.
I sighed, I just wanted to stop thinking about it.
I spoke to you about how I felt, after you decided once again to stop talking to me for a couple of weeks. I told you I wanted to be more than friends. You said you didn’t know. You didn’t want to lose me. We talked for a while longer, and then you stopped talking to me again. Just stopped replying to my messages, didn’t answer my calls. You ghosted me for 3 months. And then when you finally replied, you told me to stop contacting you, that you thought I would have stopped by now. You wanted to concentrate on yourself and your kids, and you didn’t want anyone in your life. I was hurt. I was confused. After everything we went through, you treated me like I was some random girl that was never apart of your life and your biggest life decisions. I was there with you through it all, through all the heart aches you endured through relationships, through your court stuff.
I wished you luck.
I started to cry. I could still feel you, I could feel you close off because you were scared to be vulnerable. I could feel you put your walls up. I felt your every emotion. I always have. Ill never be rid of you, no matter how hard I try.
The soul connection we have is out of this world. I will never forget you, for as long as I live.
I cried harder at the thought of this. I pulled over, my emotions finally overwhelming me. I put the car in park and jumped out, into the pouring rain, letting it wash away everything that was hurting.
I know this wont be the last time I hear from you. But I know you have so much work to do on yourself and I cant wait for you any longer. I cried for the loss of something that could have been.
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