The Ultimatum

"It's either her or me."

This isn't healthy.

I've become a bit numb to it at this point. I know that makes me sound heartless, but you have to understand, this is the eighth time I've heard it this week; tad ridiculous.

There are only seven days in a week- as you already know... sorry. You get my meaning, though, that means it's happened at least twice on one of those days, or even more on some of the other days, and just not at all on others. It's been twice today.

Earlier was the barrister in 'Hot Flow' that remarked, as he handed over my coffee, "The sugars over there, not that you need it, sweet stuff." it's a bit wild, having a longform conversation in the middle of a coffee shop where I'm expected to weigh up the pros and cons of a random man against my boyfriend of six years. All because I got very mildly sexually harassed. What made this time fairly stand out was that the random man started getting competitive, like he had skin in the game. Even worse, my boyfriend was struggling to come up with pros.

Still, a bit odd innit. I understand that everyone needs a bit of reassurance sometimes, but having a relationship teeter on the brink every time someone chuckles a little too hard at something I said or did makes me feel like relationship insurance should be a thing. What a payout that would be at this point.

It's really hard. I find myself wanting to just blurt out all the ways I show him love, like they're my deeds being read out at court, but I know that's not helpful. He just used to be so easygoing. When we first started talking, I double-booked a date with someone else, and he was so nonchalant about it. I remember thinking, 'now that's a man'... now I struggle to hold conversations with him, we spend so much time discussing his pros and cons, there's nothing to talk about. I know everything about him all the time in the most robotic way.

I've tried to pitch the idea that we spend time apart occasionally. Not a break, just something I can put down as 'me-time' for the relationship insurance documents. But, as with a breakup, it's too late. We were happy for way too long that now, my bringing up suggestions like 'alone time' in his mind means I'm done with him. How can I possibly reassure him when that's what he jumps to? I've now picked him over dozens of impromptu suiters in what can only be described as an official setting. When's it finally gonna stick? It's not like I could leave him anyway, who would I leave him for? Feels like I've turned down way too many now.

What if one day I breathe slightly too deeply and he throws the challenge out against the air? It is entering my body; it might be the most reasonable one of the batch. Which makes it the perfect trap, when weighing up pros and cons, how can anyone possibly have better pros than the all-giving thing that lets you breathe? To double down on that, he smothers me all the time, forget breathing, give me room to move.

I used to go on holiday all the time, to Spain and Italy. The sun never gave me ultimatums there; hell, it didn't even speak. It came around, gave me proper warmth, made me look great in photos, and then bogged off at the end of the day. Even the sun gives you space. Now the only warmth I know is his; he's like if being clingy was a fetish.

I guess the ultimatums feel familiar now, I know they're coming, so giving him the answer he doesn't want to hear feels like it needs to be worthy of me, now I'm left wondering "what if next time it's an even better option" every time he does it. Yep, that's gambling. My relationship has become a casino, and the house is always winning. Wow, what a metaphor, I should put that in my list of pros if I ever spring it back on him, "makes good metaphors".

Maybe I should flip the tables. Start doing the ultimatum with anyone and everyone. It's a damn fine tactic, maybe I should use that one at work...no, I'd get fired in an instant. Keith's looking for a reason. The best way I could reliably use this tactic would be to make a clone of myself. Picture that, "It's either me, or me." Perfect. Wait, no, how would I go about convincing the other me to go off with him? Bugger.

I wouldn't even get anything out of that; that plan is just a more convoluted breakup where I just end up alone. Oh god, this is where his overbearing nature has brought me. Saying things like "I wouldn't get anything out of a break-up". I'm actually constructing hypothetical scenarios where I make two versions of me, one just to stay with him, to get some personal freedom, how codependent...also another good metaphor without realizing it.

That's it, I can't take this anymore, this isn't healthy. I don't even remember what he does for work anymore; he could be having severe money issues, and I wouldn't know about it because I'm not willing to let him pay for food just to avoid another debate. Not that we ever do; "Why do you want to give them money?"

No, that's quite enough, it's time I start being an adult. Forget childish ultimatums, I'll tell him that this isn't working out anymore, we've grown apart. Leaves that have flourished on the same tree, but now it's autumn time, it's time for us to gently fall away and lay our own seeds. Gross, and I'm not even sure if leaves do that.

Lord, I've been spaced out for way longer than I thought.

"It's either her or me." He's stood as if he's waiting for me to plead his own case.

"The sheep, Mark. I choose the sheep." Not quite the breakup speech I planned.

I'm allergic to wool, but at least I'll be happy.