Reds.

Jason took comfort seeing his wife at their motel window. Drinking her tea, watching the Galveston sunshower, and rubbing her growing midsection. She caught his eyes and smiled softly at him. He shot back a very pained and very forced look of resolve, she saw right through it.

“It’s gonna be fine. You’re gonna do great. You’ve got this.” She spoke softly, her encouragement was spoken more like a promise than just hope. She was always so sure about the things he wasn’t. If not for that quality, if not for her, he would never be trying to do what he was. 

Tryin’ to Heal…

“Yea? I’m not sure how you know that hun. I feel like I'm gonna explode. Like… What is it that I’m expecting to get out of this? Is there any way that this even goes right?”

She cocked her head, furrowing her brow with concern, she pursed her lips in sympathy. 

“I know… I know this is just killing you. I can see that it’s freaking you out. But… this has been eating at you for… years. Years WITHOUT ever even seeing her.” She paused, waving him over into a hug. 

 “You told me to remind you of your own words. Do I need to say it– or do you?”

He took a deep breath, chest slowly filling  despite its seething tension.

“I need to do this. I- I w-.”

He blew out his heavy breaths in frustration, rubbing furiously at his temples. 

“I. Want. To do this.  I need to do this. For you. And for Clem.”

He smiled faintly, placing his hand on her stomach. 

“And. For you too.” She said smiling up at him, making a face to let him know she expected a kiss. 

He kissed her three times, kneeling down to kiss her stomach once. 

“I love you, my Stray Boy.”

“I love you too. Thank you for draggin’ me down here.”

“You owed me a road trip anyway, and you drove! Don’t forget how far you have dragged yourself…”

She was right, it had been agonizing to finally convince himself to drive the 1,700 miles from Oregon to Texas. 

“I love you, I’ll see you soon.”

“We love you too, and we’ll be here.”

He left their little motel room, dread filled eyes pouring over Galveston in front of him. Gulf rains with their purple clouds rolling in off the coast, engaging in their infinite tug-of-war, between light blues and fluffy whites. The mix resulted in sun showers with long golden rays peeking through, touching down all over the city. It helped to make even the American Commercial sprawl some kind of beautiful, despite itself. 

Making his way out from their shabby little motel, he took off, limping as he did, down the Galveston streets. Crumpling and un-crumpling the envelope in his jacket, jaw clenched tighter than he thought it was, nerves twisting in his stomach exactly as much as he thought they would… he felt like he was going to be sick. 

As he went along, he spied a quaint little flower shop, open late and entirely empty.

Going in, he felt a little odd. He’d done it on a thoughtful whim, but now he didn’t know what to do. 

What flowers would she even like? Will she think of this as thoughtful, or weird? What if I grab the one thing she’s allergic to? 

It felt like he’d been staring forever, chewing at his lip, eyes combing back and forth over the colorful displays. 

“Can I help you?” A gentle drawl came from behind the counter. Thick as any as he’d heard in texas. Jason turned to her, noticing first her age, at least in her 60s, and next and most prominently: her glowing smile. 

“Ummmm. I’m not really sure what I’m looking for. I don’t really know what she’d like.”

“Oh okay. Well I usually ask, what’s the occasion? There any allergies we’re watchin’ out for?”

“Well I’m not sure about allergies, and it’s sort of like a– reunion.”

“Mmmmkay. Well if you don’t want to risk them sneezin’ at ya, you could get them, maybe a basket, some chocolates, we have little boxes with wine in them?”

“I- have no idea what I’m doing.”

“That’s alright hon, lots of folks come in here like that. Is this an old friend of yours?”

“Mom. It’s my mom. It’s been more than a few years since we’ve seen each other.” 

“Oh okay. Well, that seems like an important event. Flowers can’t hurt. Without knowing if she’s allergic to somethin’, I’d tell you to get some Irises, maybe daffodils, Roses are okay for a lot of people. Mayayy-be… Geraniums? Tulips?”

“Tulips are my wife's favorite.”

“Well there you go, good enough! Pick something from those arrangements there and we’ll get you going.”

“Well, thank you. I have no idea if she’ll like ‘em but hey, I’m tryin’. Do, uh, you guys deliver?”

“I do it on Wednesdays, and my grandson usually does a few runs a  week, but he’s out now. So tonight you’re your own best bet.”

“Ah, that’s actually fine. I was wondering if you could help me with directions.”

“I could try. I don’t know if I’m gonna answer any better than the internet.”

Jason handed the bouquet to the woman, who set about wrapping tightly in paper and bows, ringing it up at the till.

“Uh, it’s this address. I’m from Oregon and I’ve never been down this way. I could ask Google but this is a little more…”

“Human?”

“Yes ma’am.”

She smiled, handing him back the flowers.

Jason slid her the envelope he was carrying, along with the cash for the flowers. A little extra for the woman's kindness. 

“Oh hon, this isn’t exactly a neighborhood. This is housing. For the Rehab community actually.”

“Rehab community?” 

“Well they’re like an outpatient Clinic. People go there for detox, counseling, that sort of thing. I’m pretty sure they have some apartments out that way for folks on the come down. We usually drop stuff off at the office, so I’ve not really been around the place. She been in there long?”

“Uhhh…. I have no idea, I thought it was like, just her house.”

“Oh she didn’t tell you?”  she said, eyebrows bent in pitiful surprise.

“No. We’ve got a lot to catch up on. Could you help me find it? Oh and maybe a place that sells smokes?”

“Sure thing hon.” After a few minutes Jason was out the door and down the street. The tulips smelled really good. A yellow bow held them together and in spite of all of his nerves, he started to feel like they were a good idea. 

He fumbled to get his headphones in, soon dialing them loud enough to drown out any thoughts he might have that this was a bad idea. 

It was slow going limping, as he did, down the road. He kept his eyes peeled for a gas station. Before he saw her he wanted to get her something. The only thing she asked him to bring her. Marlboros.

 In their letters, specifically the one crinkled up in his jacket, she had mentioned how they had always been her favorite. 

Twenty minutes and almost two miles later he stood outside of the building, the woman from the shop had described it to him. It looked like it’d seen better days… it was dusk now, the sun was just about set. He took in all of the golds and oranges that burned in the sky around him.

That sky is just… so beautiful.

For the first time since he left Oregon, he was forced to really accept whatever was about to happen. Nothing left to go wrong, no way to weasel himself out of it now. He was here… whatever here was called. 

The flower shop owner had told him to look for a dingy and faded blue building with wide windows and “old-old-old” shake cedar roofing. 

• Galveston Recovery Rehab and Sober Living -

The sign was a little worse for wear, the building was a little worse for wear, even Jason felt a little worse for wear. He steeled himself and pushed on into the lobby.

He walked up to the front desk, spying an old man in his bathrobe,  smoking while watching the lobby tv. He waited there for at least a minute or two, combing over brochures and posters, mostly from the late 2000’s. At last, an exhausted looking young woman appeared.

“Can I help you sir?”

“Ah! Um yes! I’m here to visit someone. My mom actually. Uh, she should know I’m coming but I- I didn’t schedule anything with you guys directly.”

“Oh, okay. Well you usually don’t have to make an appointment if you’re already registered for visitation. So let’s get you signed in-”

“Uh- I’m probably not on any of that… I uh, we set this up pretty last minute. She just gave me this address… I didn’t actually know she was in rehab.”

The woman looked a little puzzled, maybe a little skeptical, but to her credit she adopted a helpful tone. Jason was grateful for her patience.

“Soooo… we don’t have any contact info for you?”

“No, it’s been a mix of letters and Facebooking.”

The lady narrowed her brow a little more, biting her lip, she looked around. After a second she grabbed a faded tan landline off the wall and punched a few numbers in. 

A small eternity passed as Jason shifted back and forth, nerves kicking back in, all acceptance of whatever was ahead thrown right out the window.

“Hey Barry, we’ve got a -” She looked at him expectantly. 

“Oh! Uh, Jason Ward. I’m Jason Ward, I’m here for Amber Johnson, I’m her son.”

“Ohhh… We’ve got Jason Ward. He says he’s Amber’s kid.” She nodded, murmured a few mhmm’s and then hung up.

“So Barry- he’s our night manager - said he’ll send her down in a few. If you want you can just hang out here or you can sit in the courtyard right through there. I’m glad you’re here, she doesn’t get many visitors anymore.”

Jason thanked her and made his way to the courtyard. He tried to make himself comfortable on a very uncomfortable bench, taking the place in. 

It looked like the building had maybe been some kind of motel in the 80’s. Maybe something else in the 90's. It was probably never intended to be a medical facility.

The whole place had a kind of tacky ‘dessert oasis’ vibe. A few tired looking fountains, surrounded by two stories of railed porches and some sickly looking palm trees. 

Scooting himself closer to an ash pan, he dug out the pack of cigarettes and his lighter. He lit, drew, exhaled, and waited while listening to distant sirens, persistent traffic, and the faint trickling of tired fountains. 

“I smell Reds.”

He turned to see a woman he only recognized from pictures… with a voice he didn’t expect at all. 

Coming down the stairs was a very ragged looking woman in a red velvet robe. Her hair was a little greasy, and she looked like she’d been sweating a lot lately. Jason had little idea of what to expect, but he was definitely taken aback by her appearance. She wore the signs and the tolls of addiction on her face, and even with her arms crossed and wrapped in her robe, Jason could see she trembled significantly. 

“M- Mom?”

“Is that my Jason?”

Jason bolted upright- dropping his cigarette in his lap and scrambling to recover it. 

“Hey baby! I’m so glad you made it.”

He felt the urge to run at her, to grab her up and hug with 20 years worth of missed hugs. Though, he immediately sensed from her body language that would not be welcome. She stopped a few feet from him, a faint smile, and darting eyes. 

“M- Ma… I… I don’t know what to say…”

She cocked her head to one side. “Why baby?”

Because… It's been… 20 years?

“Don’t know… it’s been a minute.”

She didn’t mirror his energy at all. He saw reluctance, distance, maybe… apathy?

“Oh I know baby. It has been for both of us. Your brother too. He should be here soon. Is that pack for me, baby?”

Jason looked down at the Reds, head swimming and feeling totally off kilter.

“Uhh. Yea, these are the ones you asked for. And… Nate? Nates coming?”

She walked a little closer, outstretching her hand, but still stopping shy of him. She never made eye contact with him for more than a few seconds, and when he handed her the pack and lighter she took it with a quickness that spooked him a little. She went and sat next to the ash pan and lit up. 

“Oh yea, I told him you were gonna be here. He takes care of me when I’m here. Sometimes. When he finally feels like it.”

“Oh? Well that’s sweet of him. Is he living around here?”

She took a long drag. Blowing the cloud out like she’d just felt the most relief a human could possibly feel. 

“No. He still lives in Montana with that nasty wife. But I made him take the Greyhound.”

She didn’t offer anything up for a few moments, taking deep pulls and constantly looking around. Jason sat down a few feet from her, his head and heart swirling with emotions. Mostly rooted in shock. 

He couldn’t sort out what he was feeling at all… too many things at once. Doesn’t she want to ask me something? We haven't seen each other for two decades… Doesn’t she wonder how that was for me?

“So. How are ya ma?”

“Oh I’m great. Been in this shithole for a little while now. Be out soon. Then I got to figure out something for work.”

She went quiet again, turning back to her cigarette. 

A minute passed, then another. Then another. 

“So. What, uh, what work are you into?”

“Me? Oh come on baby you don’t need to ask your mama that. I work honey that's what you need to know.”

He was stunned. Worse, he had no idea what to say next, and so the silence took over again. 

“So… uh, what's Nate doing for work?”

“Oh some bullshit or something else. He was telling everybody he was a rapper for a while. But I set him straight with that shit. Waste of damn time. He’s probably working at Walmart again. That’s where I was before all of this.” She gestured wildly at the courtyard, flinging ash. 

Ask me. Ask me something.

Silence. She finished her Red, and drew, and lit another. Jason stared numbly, trying to find a way to say something. Or to ask something. 

Like ‘why did you leave me and dad?’ Or ‘how about asking me about my wife… or my child.’ 

“Hey, ma, so I- I got a kid on the way. That’s, uh, that’s your granddaughter there.”

Jason leaned towards her, showing her the picture of an ultrasound. 

She glanced at it between drags, nodded curtly. 

“Yep, wow. That’ll be my fourth grandbaby. Nate’s got two, your sister has one, and Jamie had his daughter before he was killed.”

Jamie? I didn’t even know I had a brother Jamie…

“Oh. Damn. Ma, I’m sorry to hear that…”

“So was I. Little bitch he was with ran off with the kid. Had the nerve to keep it from me. She probably killed him anyway. Cops didn’t want to even look. Fuckin’ pigs.”

Jason grew even more stunned. This woman was hardly here with him, and there seemed no love in her– except for the Reds. 

They sat in another excruciating silence. 

Jason couldn’t bring himself to speak again… he just waited, watching headlights go by as the golds and oranges of the sky give way to a hazy blue-gray. 

“Hey Mom.” A voice called from the reception area.

Jason and Amber turned, to see a very tall, very unhappy looking heavyset man, just a little older than Jason. 

“I paid ‘em. They said they can keep you for another week or more if-”

“I don’t fuckin’ need another week. Does it look like I need another fuckin’ week? Jesus. I told you to GET me out of here. Damnit. Stupid Fuck.”

Jason felt totally blown away. She had just popped a top, going on and muttering in between drags. He looked at Nathan, who looked totally worn out. Jason couldn’t remember, but he’d thought Nathan was only two years his senior… but he looked way older than that. 

“Sorry ma.”

“Yea. You are sorry.”

A moment or two passed, Jason tried to catch Nate’s eyes, but the man just looked dead ahead. 

“Alright. It’s way too late for me. I’ve got a movie I’m not missing for this shit.”

Jason watched in disbelief as she rose, flicked her last Red carelessly at the ash bin and made her way to the stairs. She turned back to them right before she went up.

“Thanks for the Marls, Jason baby. You are so, so big.”

With that, she wrapped her velvet robe around her, and clambered up the rickety metal stairs. 

Jason and Nate watched her go, and after her door slammed closed, Jason turned to the brother he hardly knew.

“Is…”

“Is she always like that? Never wasn’t. Didn't miss much J.”

“She… didn’t… like… ask anything.”

Nate came and sat alongside his brother, the two silent for a moment. Nate never looked at his younger brother, reaching his hand out, offering a Marlboro of his own. 

“Want a Red?”

Jason, tried- and then failed to process what just happened. After a moment, he took his brother's offer, and the two listened to distant sirens, persistent traffic, and the faint trickling of tired fountains. They smoked, and said nothing. 

I’m tryin’.