Gan-Gan the Beloved

Some years back now...

Almost won the lottery last night...off by just 6 numbers.

Pissed my granny right the faak off...

...she says, "they're only a few little combinations of 2 digit thingamajigs...come on you bleeding numbskull, pick the right ones...struups!...feel it!"

I love you too Gan-Gan, but...

And whatta you care for so much?

Even if we did win and could finally go somewhere proper forever an' ever, you can't go nowhere...look atcha!

She says, "son...come here"...

...PATOW!

I'm an idiot, I knew that was comin'.

But still, "Gran, what do you mean by that?...I'm a grown man."

She lays into me.

"What do you mean, what do I mean?

I explained to you what I mean...you wanna 'nother one?

You still don't know what I mean?

So what does it mean by you asking again what do I mean?

...what do you mean?"

She goes on to say, "listen, an' listen keenly with all your all, with all what I've lovingly give ya...

...I love you! with the deep power of wonderness from years of ultimate goodnesses contained well within this 'ere whole ol' big wrinkly heart"...

...we both guffaw an' kinda cuddle at that...I well up large.

The dog waddles in...we go back to peeling spuds.

She looks at me knowingly...I look at her quizzically; she's weird, but I luvs her!

Dog faaks off again.

Gran stands, reaches down to hoist a smaller undressed full Irish diamond off the table to her lips...all the while, her eyes riveted transfixed on mine...I mean deadpan, straight into me...as she plops it in her mouth an' swallows it down whole...like it was a peanut; in pill form.

I'm telling you....she's a faaken lunatic!

And was mostly likely something else back in the day with skills like that.

But I don't want to think of my ol' decrepit gurl like that...that's disgusting!

She's wild AF now and she can barely stand...can't imagine what she must have been like way back then...she's still a looker now, in a weird wrinkled, hunched over kind of way.

My poor Gramps, what he musta gone through with her for all dem years...she's the type, that if you value your life you service her good and proper...'three bags full ma'am' type of thing.

Should you be a little off, you gotta hup-to pronto, and get her bound before she notices...get the heavy gauge chains on quick, 'cause she's gonna turn.

Screaming like a crazed banshee, as you douse with buckets of cold water.

Don't get too close though...'cause you'll be in for it.

MmmHmm.

I know all this, as I saw it first-hand...from up the steps through the spindles of the bannister...

My dad had to settle my mum a couple times when I was much younger.

She was exact same as Gran...carbon copy...it's like they self replicate...

...they're not normal, I'm tellin ya.

My little sis got it too...but even worse.

She's got all these ideals and whatnot from her piece of sh*t skool, and ready to argue and throw-down for anything she stands behind.

She don't like some trannys though (the *sexual type, vs the *vestites)...I find that completely surprising, and a bit offensive.

She can't get behind an effeminate still F>M , or, a masculine still M>F...she says 'what's the use, you haven't changed...and if you have, it may be to worse than you were before.'

I try to tell her to not be so judgemental, and it's not for her to decide who does what.

She tells me that if she's got to look at it, and hear all about it...then she's gonna form an opinion on it.

And that today is her opinion.

...alright fine.

Good point.

I'd like to direct her to Hot AF T-Girl porn...but she's my sister, also far too young for any of that.

But my neighbour ain't...she been looking kinda ripe here of late. Hm?...maybe I'll suggest to her...

...I should still have some whiskey and gin lying about.

Anyhow, back to me Ma an' Pa and when and how I know of the leg irons and cold water, an' all that.

Well, they must have been having a go...things happened...then he gets duped large, just like a tЯumptler post voting day.

Numbskull fools shoulda known better.

Ok, so they must have been at it, and my pops must have got inflicted with the flaccid...but far too soon.

Like I mentioned...if they're primed, you gotta see it through, proper...

...if not, you got your work cut out for ya before they notice too much.

Get those leg irons on before she's fully aware.

He makes it...phew!Obviously she's not very pleased...and realises she's about to get the treatment....her medication; the hose.

You gotta calm them down fast, or it's hell to pay.

Again, he gets in just under the wire.

But this is where it goes a bit south...

...made the grave mistake of showing too much pity...he got soft an' stupid. Handed her a requested stiff drink whilst she was still naked, shackled and freezing cold wet, by his own hand...

...but quiet and still finally.

All was calm in the world.

Seemingly so.

I'm a kid, yet I know better than that, and that tone of voice...soft and sweetly calm ain't real...no, no it faaken ain't!...there's a big bear volcano lurking under there pops.

But he's got love and sorrow, and guilt in his heart.

Not thinking perfectly straight.

So my idiot dumfuk dad grabs it (the requested drink), brings it back..and this is where he ultimately fails, large...

...extends his own arm towards her, with the drink on the end of it, to place it directly in her own hand...

Uh-Oh!...before he knew what hit him, he was screamin' an' shrieking like a little skool gurl that was being shredded by a pack of ravenous dogs.

He's shrieking up a storm, she's shreiking up a storm, but she's gaining energy all the while, 'cause he's now fully in her grasp...

...she's got the Black bastard!...

Pops is now royally faaked!...doesn't know what to do, as she's all over him everywhere all at the same time.

Imagine a hairless, crazed, greased up, angered AF alley cat, giving you a bit of wot for...now multiply that by a large number; then double it...that was my mother.

Eyes all wide an' wild...I could see in them; uber angry, uber crazed, also uber excited too now to be exacting sweet revenge.

You know how women get.

It felt like an eternity, an' I was just a spectator...he was still taking licks 'pon licks firmly ensconced in the lion's den.

He's still flailing frantically attempting to throw her off, but she's channelling rabid chimp pretty convincingly, and by no means letting up, at all.

He's continually shrieking but in a higher pitch now...his lips are mangled, eyes are mangled, I think a lip's hanging on by a thread, his nuts are pummelled, and I also think that she may have even broke off one of her own fingers deep up in his arsehole, on purpose.

Then her drink spilt, so she stopped...took him about another minute, or so, to realise...now that bit was gut busting faaken hilarious, watching him wrestling shadows.

His mind obviously wracked with pure fright.

So you see...you can't faak with the females in my family. Minds and thought processing like a cat...doing all manner of nutty weird things on the constant for no apparent reason...can scrap like a wolverine with the strength and power of a bear.

So you see, this all stemmed from him offering her nothing but frustration...my Gran gotta be same way.

But all this thinking of her in her sexual prime is faaken gross, and giving me the willys...

...with big beads of ice cold sweat pouring from my brow, with face all screwed up, trying to wash every thought of her as that, that attempts to crop up in my mind, out of it.

I glance up at her...and she's still stood there eyes unblinking fixated directly in my head it felt like.

You creepy freak, stop i!

And is if nothing, she spins around...with a very nice pirouette I might add...trundles over to our big beautiful stereo...we're both very much in love with and proud of it.

I already know what she's gonna play, and at good volume.

It's one of those tunes that over the decades it's proven to be ours...as if Jimi wrote it and played it like that, 'cause he knew that me and my Gan-Gan would bond for the rest of our days over it.

...Axis Bold as Love it is.

...tell you the truth, we have all kinds.

But this 'ere, moves everything good in us all together as a one.

Entwines our souls just a bit more.

We belt it out passionately, fully animated in our writhing dance moves, across the table, right there at each other...exaggerating every theatrical nuance throughout.

Then we we let out a mutual rousing standing ovation to each other, come the end.

What a laugh!

Best time of my life was with her in those moments.

Continued rest in power, Gan-Gan.