What makes a villain?

What makes a villain? 

First there is perspective. Humans are unable to see things from the same point of view, we are doomed to live a life where everything is relative. Ambiguous. Then how is it possible that we still figure out a way of communicating, of understanding each other, even if it is in the most shallow way possible? We are not perfect, not even close, so why is it that we still end up loving each other, more than we should be able to? Caring is something strange, because there is nothing more selfish than caring, but we see it as an act of kindness, of love, of everything humans were meant to be, but never really accomplished. So villains are just as bad as the rest of us, they just don’t live in a world where we are actually… worthy of trying. 

And who is the hero? My english teacher told us in ninth grade that we are the heroes of our own stories, but that is just something people say to make us think that there is always hope. There is, but that doesn’t mean that we are the good ones. If everybody was always the good one, then perspective would not exist, and you and I would be the same, you and he, all of us. But we are not. 

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He and I are not the same. Sometimes, I forget that. A parent always tries to do the right thing; I have been told that my whole life. Mostly by myself. But what is right and what is wrong? Maybe we are all villains in my story. He and I, Both of them. Me. I recall my own father telling me that I would understand when I grew older. I didn’t think I would; sometimes, I still don’t. I said that I would do differently, but then I find myself saying the exact same words, and to be honest, that freaks me out. I lock myself in the bathroom, scared that I will become like him. Would that be so bad? You turned out fine, he always says. How bad could we have done? Not worse, better. The thing is, you always focus on what you didn’t do bad, but is good enough good enough? Am I only doing good enough? 

I am the lead character in my story, but does that make me the hero? Does he think I am a villain? I used to think the same thing about my father growing up; he was the bad guy, no doubt. Maybe I am a villain for thinking that. 

My mother was an angel. I still wonder why she married my father. Does he realise how lucky he was? She was the hero of my story. John, she always said. John, my beautiful child. And that was enough. It made me feel like the hero of her story. I wonder if she ever really needed one. 

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In 1945, August the sixth, the United States dropped a nuclear bomb over Hiroshima. It was a massacre. But it was necessary to stop an even bigger one. Nowadays, people love giving their opinion about everything, especially when they have no idea what they are talking about. They just want to pretend that they would have done better, when we all know that it is not true. They want to be the hero. That is the main human instinct of this century; everybody has a right to form their own opinion and people use it to differentiate themselves from the rest, they want to be unique. They want to be the good guys. You know what? Sometimes there is no good, just the best of evils. I thought that by 2010, people would have figured that up. Apparently not. How many wars will we need to finally understand? Life is fragile, life is dangerous. Life will do everything it can to survive. 

I am old now. I grew up, and I am wiser. People tend to forget that. Why is it that we want to show everybody wrong? We search for the bigger truth, when there is nothing more than what we can see. Because there is nothing hidden from us, just the things we don’t want to see. And that is usually the truth. How am I the villain for saying that to stop the war, what had to be done was done? I was there. And at the time, I couldn't have an opinion; I was an eleven year old kid sitting in his backyard while listening to the radio. Robert, come inside, dinner is ready! But I knew there was no other option; the war had to be stopped, the bigger villains had to be defeated. There is always someone worse, and in order to be a hero, you have to defeat the villain. 

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A murderer. He was a murderer. People may try to convince you that what he did was done for better good, but that doesn’t erase the fact that he killed thousands of human beings. I have heard all kinds of excuses; the war had to be stopped, but how would the world work if that was the only option? There are heroes and villains among us, and how we handle them is a part of what defines us. Do we kill them? Do we let them live? Power is something so fragile. It can end up destroying yourself, and everybody around you. Conscience is the only thing that saves you from succumbing to it. Don’t be loud, otherways, you won’t hear it. 

I have been told my whole life that teenagers never think, at least not in a profound way. What is that even supposed to mean? Because we are young we don’t understand? It is just another language that humans don’t bother to learn. The worst thing is that as we grow older, we tend to forget how to speak it too. Elijah, what do you even know? How much can a teenager actually understand from our world? Our world. So we earn a right to have an opinion only when we grow up, when we lose our capacity to understand the unique perspective a child, a teenager, has. Our journey begins earlier, not when we graduate, not when we get a job, not when we have children. A villain’s journey begins earlier, it starts from the very beginning of our life. And what about the hero? 

Joseph Campbell described a hero’s journey as a process in which a person goes on adventure and faces different obstacles, returning home changed after being victorious in a decisive crisis. And what about those who lose? Are they villains or heroes? 

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You should call him Elijah, my father said. He will do great things, just like you. I am proud. I don’t think I ever heard him say that to me again. Maybe that is why we decided to call him that way. I will always be proud of him, my sweet child. He is a true hero. If he would only know how much I try. If he could understand… He knows how much I love him. He knows how much he means to me. Does he know that I don’t want to be the villain? Does he know that I try my best? 

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He tries. I know he does. But everybody tries, and still there are villains left in the world. I am not saying my father is the villain, or that I am the hero, we are just… us. He and I. But caring is a strange thing, and so is love. One can truly love someone, but not show it. Why don’t you show it? Why do I feel like everything I do is a failure to you? That I am not good enough for you? Dad, are you proud of me? 

Everything I have ever done will never compare to the things you did. Grandpa always talks about his brave and tough son, about how he is a winner, a true hero. And what am I? Grandpa talks about how I will do great things, about how I will not let him down. I don’t want to let you down, I don’t want to let him down, but when does a hero know when to stop? When does a villain know when he is defeated? I don’t understand, I don’t understand you!

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How does the hero survive? When does he know he survived? The villain is defeated. Who was the villain? The hero is alive. Is he, after everything, still a hero? Or maybe killing the villain made him lose who he was. Because he did what he had to do to survive, but is he strong enough to survive what he did? There is no way to prepare yourself for that. I tried John. I tried to prepare you. I tried… but maybe it wasn’t enough. Maybe I lost who I was to protect you. 

No. A hero makes sacrifices, a hero will do everything he can to survive; I did that. For you, for Carol, for Elijah, I did what I had to do. I stopped the best of evils, what does that make me? I was a war hero, but am I the kind of hero that deserves what he gets? Is that good or bad? Is there good or evil? 

I am old now. I have lost love, I have learned to love again. And I still don’t understand one thing. What makes a villain? Am I the villain? Am I a hero? Grandpa! Elijah said when he was little. Grandpa, tell me a story. Tell me a story about the greatest hero of all times. 

And I know what makes a hero. The villain, because without evil, he is just like you and me and him. And who are we? I don’t know who I am, I don’t understand you…

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Fears are a funny thing. We are born with only two of them: 

The fear of falling 

The fear of loud noises

And that is it. But we learn to be afraid, and at the end, we are only afraid of these two things. Of being at the top and falling, of not being able to keep climbing. Of not being able to hear ourselves, our conscience, so we don’t succumb to it. And that might as well be a lie, because I was scared of you for a long time, and I am scared that he will leave. We only fear the things we don’t understand, the things that are new and unknown for us. Does that mean I don’t understand you? Does that mean he doesn’t understand me? Elijah, do you know me? Dad, who are you? 

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At the end, the villain loses, and it doesn’t matter what made him, it doesn’t matter who he was. And the hero stands alone, with the weight of everything he lost in the way. Is it gonna hurt when I am gone? Is my legacy good enough? 

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At the end, the hero loses, because no villain is defeated without bigger power, and power means sacrifice, and sacrifice means… loss. And nothing really matters anymore, because dad, I will miss you. Don’t let me fall, Elijah, don’t leave. 

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There is perspective, which leaves us with nothing. Because I am here with you, but you are so far away. I am not the villain. You are not the villain, he is not the villain. So there is no hero. Why are you like that? 

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You will understand when you grow older!

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At the end, the villain survives, he is still here, after everything he did… dad… I want to love you… 

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Are you the villain or the hero? I don’t understand!  

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I did what I had to do to survive! 

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And the villain, the hero, they don’t exist, there is just you, and me, and him. All of us. 

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He wouldn't understand 

He wouldn't understand

He wouldn’t understand

Maybe after all, that is what makes a villain. Is a villain someone who isn’t understood, or someone who doesn’t understand? I don’t know. 

But that 's ok. Because you don’t have to understand to be loved. You don’t have to be the hero to understand and you don’t have to be the villain to survive.