A Kiss of Life

The sand is scorching hot when Tanya places her bare feet atop it. She inhales sharply through her nose at the feeling, and exhales far more harshly, exasperated that she still isn’t used to the awful feeling against her skin, despite living in this area since she was a young child.

Tanya believes that the sun wishes to whip and scorn her—and her entire town—on days like this. It’s brutality has only gotten worse as the years pass them all by.

She believes, too, that their god has deserted them all. She believes that the sun, ever-present and all-powerful, has killed him. There hasn’t been a whisper of wind, or the slight kiss of a breeze against her skin, for years now.

Tanya takes step after step. Painstakingly slow. Her teeth gnaw against one another. Sweat begins to bead on her brow and drips down her face like fresh, salty tears. She places a hand above her eyes to shield them from the sun’s punishing rays, as her burning feet scream silently in protest every time they press into the fiery sand.

There isn’t a single person in sight as she treks from the small hut she lives in—her little brother Bovi still weak and resting inside, trying to fend off the heat—towards the marketplace. It’s a haze, a complete mirage, from her current vantage point. Tanya wonders, briefly, if it is still there at all.

There is no noise in the world except for Tanya’s labored breathing, and the soft sound of sand scratching against her bare skin with each step she takes. The red dunes stretching out before her are silent and imposing. They seem to sneer at her—the empty, ever-present vastness of them. Sweat drips down the back of Tanya’s neck in rivulets, doing little to deter the sun from beating down upon her harshly. It watches over her like a fierce, twisted god—so unlike the one she used to know. Her lip curls, harshly.

She could never bring herself to worship something so cruel.

The marketplace becomes clearer to her now against the haze of the sun. The same ten stalls are pressed close together, their colorful drapery stark and magnificent against the dull sand.

Thirty more steps. Twenty-one. Sixteen. Tanya raises a hand in greeting towards the few shopkeepers who squint in her general direction. She keeps her gaze straight ahead and pushes her shoulders back. She tries to ignore the fact that she’ll see a trail of blood from where the sand has caused her feet to burn and blister. Even still, embarrassment begins to swelter and push against her fast-beating heart. She is sure the shopkeepers can see the red path she leaves behind, dark against the sand.

“Tanya!” A familiar voice shouts from a market stall, scraping against the sky.

Nine more steps to go. Five. Two. Tanya releases a shuddering breath and ducks into the first booth. Her feet find a spot of shade, and she almost falls to her knees at the blessedly cool feeling.

Janni looks at her from where his elbows rest against the wooden table in his stall. Sweat beads across his upper lip, the skin beneath his hundreds of freckles pink from the incessant heat. Tanya gives him a small smile, unable to do much of anything else as she wills her rapid breathing to resume at a steady tempo.

Tanya looks at the shoes Janni has for sale, her gaze landing on them and their beautiful colors for a moment too long. The man in front of her glances down at her cracked and bleeding feet and clicks his tongue. The sound echoes across the sand dunes.

“Janni,” Tanya begins before he can make another noise. “I don’t have the money. And if I did, I would spend it on something else.” She tries to ignore the hurt look that flashes across his face as the words fall out of her mouth. Words that are a lie, of course. Tanya would happily spend the money on any pair of Janni’s shoes—and would buy shoes for both her and Bovi, if she could. Because shoes are the first step to thriving in this hellish place. Plus, Janni’s craftsmanship is beautifully and intricately detailed. He’s poured his own blood sweat and tears into his art.

Such beautiful things deserve so much more than Tanya could ever really give, anyway.

Janni opens his mouth in retaliation, brow furrowing. Tanya holds up a hand.

“I’m not your charity case, Janni, and I’ve survived fine enough all these years without shoes.” Janni’s mouth shuts and then hardens into a fine line. Tanya turns away and steps towards the next stall before she can say anything else that she’ll inevitably regret. She can feel Janni staring at her back; at her worn, blistering feet and the trail of blood she leaves behind.

Some light floods into Laka’s eyes the moment she sees Tanya, the wrinkles on her brown face spreading across it when she smiles at her. Tanya smiles back as Laka grabs a hold of her hand. Her skin is worn and rough against Tanya’s.

“These are the items I have on sale today.” She looks down and points at some sun-hardened nuts and a couple of bruised bananas.

Tanya shoves a hand into her pocket to fish out her hard-earned coins.

“How much?” Tanya asks. She watches as some of the brightness fades from Laka’s eyes. She presses her lips together.

“Seven zig.” Her words are quiet.

Tanya’s carefully constructed face falls. It’s a much higher price than she expected. She places the hot coins from her pocket onto the table. They clink together dully. It’s enough, but only just. She places a hand over them, considering.

Tanya thinks of Bovi at home. She remembers his cries for food; how his awful wailings have morphed into weak, quiet noises as of late. She can still hear his whimpers in her head from earlier today as the sun began its assault on the land. Bovi sounded like a starved animal slowly dying, rather than a human boy.

Tanya gnashes her teeth together, the sound grating and ugly in her ears. 

“I’ll take them.” She pushes the coins across the table and takes her hand away. Laka looks at her with deep gratitude shining in her eyes. She grabs Tanya’s hand in a vice grip.

“Thank you,” she whispers, voice ragged with emotion. “Thank you.”

Tanya can only give her a small smile in response as Laka then places the food into her rough and waiting palms. She hopes that the older woman can’t hear the fragile sound of her heart breaking inside of her chest. Tanya had worked tirelessly for the money over the past few weeks. To see it whisked away in mere seconds for some food that won’t even last a couple of days causes her soul to wilt like a dying flower.  

All of this must be the sun’s doing, Tanya thinks miserably, stepping out into the burning light once more. It’s even hotter now than it was previously. The scorching heat from the sand licks at her bare feet. Tanya doesn’t have the strength to fight against the low moan that falls from her lips at the horrible feeling. The sound causes Janni to look out at her, worry etched into his dipping brow. She meets his gaze, and then watches as two shoppers titter around his stall, holding shoes and measuring them against their already-clothed feet. Their voices are high, smiles blooming widely across their lips as they exclaim excitedly, grabbing more pairs of shoes.

Neither of them look back at her, and Janni doesn’t move an inch from where he stands behind the table. Tanya swivels her gaze forward towards the endless stretch of sand and ignores Janni’s eyes boring into her.

All Tanya can focus on now is placing one foot in front of the other. But soon, even that becomes too much. She falls to her knees, clutching the browned bananas and measly nuts against her chest. Her eyes water with tears as the sun becomes the only thing she can feel and see and even hear. It threatens to consume her wholly, speaking to her in low, pulsating rhythms. For a moment, Tanya wishes it could take her and whisk her somewhere else. Away from this evil stretch of sand, away from her town filled with sad eyes.

No. I must keep going, she thinks, as her heart pounds against her insides like a bird fighting to be free of its cage. I won’t succumb. I must get back to Bovi, or else he will die.

And then—so soft and tender, she thinks she must have imagined it—a breeze brushes against Tanya’s burning cheek.