Each Time You Fall In Love You Never Know What It Means.

"Have we met before?" As I look into the girl's clear brown eyes and the light hits them, I see they look similar to mine. I feel like I've known this girl my whole life, I don't know how much time passes, seconds, minutes, hours. I begin to speak and say all the things I've been feeling for the longest time possible I don't remember the last time I spoke about my feelings to someone I have tried before I guess but I always get interrupted somehow Girl, Interrupted. This girl doesn't interrupt though she just nods her head or makes hand gestures and looks attentively back at me, it's scary but normal how she's just looking back at me but I couldn't care less finally someone has cared enough to shut up, and listen to MY feelings MINE. I tell her how it's not fair that we don't get to pick who we work out with at the end of our love story how you can give someone so many parts of yourself but in the end, they walk away one way or another, how it's so awful because you wanted everything with this person you thought about marriage for the second time in your whole seventeen years of life. How he made you feel beautiful and brilliant and all around just happy, you wonder why things had to go wrong between you both even though you know it was mostly his fault that your four months of romance ended like Romeo and Juliet except not the part where they both die at the end. You died to each other in the relationship sense you're both literally still alive, I don't even know if I should call us a relationship he never asked to be your boyfriend and when you step back he wasn't planning on it even though he said he would. Maybe if you hadn't gone along with everything he wanted he would've found a reason to wait for you, but you have to admit you wanted it too. You wanted someone to love you the way you always imagined, it didn't matter if he added extra parts you were concerned about at first because you thought he loved you, you did he played his part well. He was what you called your dream until it all turned into a nightmare that ended with you crying on the ground burning every love-related writing you ever did regarding him in the front yard he was your John Wayne. You wanted him to yourself, you were stupid enough to believe he only had eyes for you even when he called you two different girls names and he told you it was auto-correct and you believed him because you didn't want to think that he had anyone else but you in this life or the next one thousand lives to come. People thought it would be so easy for me when he left because of them, that I wouldn't cry and feel like something was just ripped out of me, that my comfort hadn't been ripped away from me. How was I supposed to when this guy called me all the nicknames in the book he would face time me during my shopping and I could ask him for his opinion and he would give it to me and he would show up to where I was shopping to surprise me just because he missed me, he called me beautiful without makeup, people like that aren't supposed to hurt you. He shut up and listened to why you were upset even though he didn't always have the answers he at least listened to you every time you freaked out and cried other than music he was your comfort when the church, well some of the church knew they talked and I hated being in other people's mouths for something they didn't and don't understand, and to make it worse they made my recovery slower, I didn't need to have a long conversation about it or be reminded that things get better because I know they do I take care of that myself. Being taken care of by someone else for once was so relaxing I breathed for the first time in a while, he understood how much you loved lip gloss so much so that he knew when you said you hadn't worn any for three days he knew it was serious how upset you were. You would end up losing him the next day, and you cried a sparkling ocean. In the end, you know it was the right choice to lose him you really did know but you didn't want to because he was your lifeline for four months maybe if we hadn't done certain things we could lasted and maybe we could've married because that’s what you wanted deep down, but you never said any of that to him because maybe deep down you knew that would've scared him away and at the time you would've preferred a dead-end relationship with him than a prospering one with anyone else. Maybe it was good that you lost him you were getting much too dependent on him, some part of me knew I was about to lose him while another part was completely oblivious to it. You never questioned why you started playing CAS out of the blue or how you would listen to “K.” and “Cry”  “Each Time You Fall In Love” As the song says “Each time you fall in love you never know what it means” and maybe if you did know it could have prevented you from so much pain and hurt, confusion and tears.  “Stop Waiting” even though you didn’t want to stop waiting until someone forced you to because deep down you knew you could’ve waited till you died and that scares you more than anything else. It's so predictable but not at the same time, how the most beautiful girl can have anyone she wishes to have but wants the absolute douche bag who acts like El principe azul until he turns into a toad again and she somehow still prefers the toad over all the actual people she can have but the girl will grow up to be beautiful and victorious while the toad sits in his pond forgotten and maybe once in a while the beautiful girl will pray for the toad to change for her but she can’t hold on to false hope she won’t do that to herself and as much as she would like to she cant wait forever. Her only comfort is for November 15th to arrive because you wouldn’t have known each other three months back and you won’t know each other three months forward and that means a whole new beginning for you, a whole new meaning of life but no one else understands any of this but you. You've been running from his memory and it's easy and hard all at once. You feel like you could go on forever about this but you feel like you've already taken up too much of this girl's time, time where this girl hasn’t spoken a word. You look forward at the girl who looks identical to you, I close the notebook I’ve been writing in, look up at the girl, and turn off the light and she vanishes. I told you no one understands this situation other than me. Me.

★naisabella M