In the blink of an eye.

‘It’s the WindDown Hour, bringing you your favourite songs as you head back home. Drive safely as we keep you company,’ the car radio blared.

She was tired. That’s what you get for working hard at your job but having tasted unemployment, she wouldn’t have it any other way. And yet she was tired. She drove a little afraid of blinking, because she was sure all the sleep hiding behind her eyelids would overwhelm her as she drove home. She’ll enjoy the weekend and call in sick on Monday so that she can prolong the weekend a little more. She was worked to the bone and she deserved her rest. A retreat at home was a heavenly thought.

Home. The thought was exhilarating and relaxing all at once. She thought of her big warm bed and how she’d crawl in to sleep as soon as she got home. Armed with her bowl of ice cream and chips, she’d pull on her socks, ditch her bra, let down her hair and read her bedside novel till sleep overtook her. Except that it was Friday and she had plans.

She and Daisy were going to have their long awaited weekend getaway. She missed Daisy, the love of her life, and it was hard to squeeze in that needed time together when Daisy’s work shift was insane. Those work hours were inhumane though meaningful but their relationship needed this. It was madness to live in the same house with someone and never see them or talk to them. That’s what this weekend was for and it had been marked aside. They’d have their dinner, movie marathon, gossip time, go swimming… whatever they wanted. The more she thought of this the more excited she was to get home.

Then she got caught in traffic jam. She didn’t understand that. This was their secret route and so far it had always provided a smooth ride all the way from town to their little neighbourhood.

She saw a young man approaching her car. Of course, there were always good for nothings like him who sought to gain during this jammed hour. She raised all her car windows and made sure none of her valuables were visible. She had heard enough stories of highway robberies to fall prey to this petty crime.

He approached the car and knocked on her window. He had a sense of urgency about him and carried around an aura of dread.

She lowered the window just enough for his voice to carry through.

‘There’s been an accident ahead. We are trying to clear a path for you but it will take time. We ask that you sit patiently in your car as we sort this all out.’ An accident, she thought, how awful. How awful! Now her weekend was going to be interjected by thoughts of death; how she survived and should be grateful, how life is fleeting and she should be doing more than putting her legs up and stuffing her stomach. On all accounts, she won’t be able to enjoy it fully. What a day for an accident to occur. But she was grateful that the pain wasn’t hers to bear.

‘How bad is it?’ she asked the empty spot outside her car. The young man had already moved on to inform other people. Oh well, she needed to find a way to kill the time.

Her favourite station was not playing the right songs and singing along was always more fun with Daisy in the car. Their voices blended together to form the perfect harmony. Could you play ‘I spy’ by yourself? She wondered. Everything was a little more fun with Daisy by her side.

She decided to call Daisy and tell her about the day she was having. Fine not day, just hour. In fact this would be good to set the mood for tonight. Get the conversation flowing early. And then Daisy would tell her about her day and as they talked, that urgency to see each other would stir deep in Daisy and she’d be home on time for the first time in weeks.

Daisy didn’t pick up. She thought it was the timing. Daisy usually got off work at around 8pm. She was probably still on call. She could see her shuffling her little feet around the hospital, being all important and knowledgeable as the doctor. She couldn’t wait to hear those stories when Daisy came home. Of how she was saving lives. It’s all she had ever wanted to do and she got to do it. She did it so well and it didn’t hurt that she was also the most beautiful doctor in that hospital. Everybody said so.

‘D here, sorry I can’t come to the phone. Please leave a message and I’ll get back to you.’ She decided to leave a message. More incentive to push Daisy rushing home.

‘Hey baby, you won’t believe the evening I’m having. There has been an accident on our secret route. So many cars, I wonder how they discovered this road. The jam is disastrous. I’ll be late getting home so I don’t think we can do the home cooked dinner we planned. I’ll just bring us pizza. I’ve been craving pizza. Can’t wait to see you. I love you. More than life itself.’

Once the message was gone, she regretted telling Daisy about the accident. There was no point in worrying her. She was safe and sound and would make it home OK.

The cars started to crawl forward and she started to see bits and pieces of the accident littered all over. Cars overturned. Shards of glass scattered. Blood highlighting the cool dark tar. She counted five cars as she crawled ahead and there were still more ahead. What an accident! She felt deeply for the people like only a passerby could; sad that she had to see it, sorry they had to experience it, curious as to whom they were related to and relieved that its not her.

Ahead of the mess she saw a small blue car that looked strangely like the one Daisy drove around. She felt the tears ooze out before her brain caught up with the information she was trying to process. Who knew that crying was an involuntary activity all this while.

Common sense flooded in. Daisy works up to 8pm. There is no way she would be on this road at this time. And besides, that was a common car and colour. Which is why Daisy wanted it in the first place. Something so unassuming, she’d never stand out but blend it. She said blending in always made it easier to do her job. All she has ever wanted to do is save lives. OK. Daisy is safe at the hospital, hating the pain she is seeing there and can’t wait to come home and cry to me, she thought. Breathe in. Breathe out. Drive.

She slowly came upon the car and she tried hard to convince herself not to look and ascertain whether it was Daisy’s car. That would mean she was doubting good fortune and then maybe Daisy wouldn’t make it home. She tried so hard not to turn. But she still saw the number plate. That was Daisy’s car. That was Daisy’s car! She started to hyperventilate, her hands felt cold and her head felt dizzy. Is this what going into shock feels like?

She parked her car by the side and ran out back to the scene. She didn’t bother locking the doors, taking out her valuables, or grabbing the keys. What did it matter if they stole her car when her very life was being taken from her. Her daughter, her only living relative, her only purpose for living.

She broke through the human barricade that stopped her from getting to the car. Pain sometimes yields strength you didn’t know you had.

Her steps started to falter as she drew closer to the car. It was bashed in like someone crushing a plastic water bottle. The driver’s side had taken the full force of the impact. The car was dented to form a V and crumpled on the passenger side like paper. The bumper was burst open. She could see the fumes coming out, she could see cracks on the windshield. The rest of the car was showered by glass as though it had rained glass.

She couldn’t hear herself wail.

Pain is that raw, it makes your reaction an extension of who you are. Her wail was a piercing cry that crept from deep within her. She kept tugging at her hair and at her clothes and slapping her thighs. As though they were encumbrances to the full expression of the pain she was in. How do you properly express pain that has you blindsided? The confusion she was in could be seen from miles away.

She got close to the car and saw the blood all over the front seat, the steering wheel and the doors. Her breathing came faster then started to break into nothing. Her knees gave way and she knelt a little distance from the car. The sight was very terrifying she wanted to look away and yet she couldn’t. Didn’t. As though she needed to see this for herself.

She moved from the car and crawled to the first responders. Her hair was a mess but her broken heart was the bigger mess. The tears and makeup that flowed and mixed with mucus made her a grotesque sight. But pain has no dignity. She shook every person around and her face bore all the questions her voice refused to air. They all gave her pitying looks. Like they knew the truth she was trying to deny. They all couldn’t look her in the eye. Like they were relieved it wasn’t them. At least not today.

She dragged herself back to the car, half walking, half crawling. She saw the phone down by the passenger side. It was Daisy’s alright, they had picked it out together. She sank into the glass by the car as she banged on the stupid car that failed to do its job. To get her daughter home safely. ‘My…baby…girl. My…Daisy…baby.’ She gasped the words. The wailing had stopped. It was now reduced to quiet crying. Pain knocks the breath out of you sometimes. And you can’t wail even if you want to. She banged on the car even as her heart banged against its cage, threatening to give way if Daisy wasn’t there to hold it.

This had to be a dream. Not a dream, a nightmare. She had fallen asleep at the steering wheel like she had been thinking of doing and any minute now she’d wake up and go home. She’d make Daisy that home cooked meal. Why should her baby have pizza when she still had the hands to prepare her favourite meals? She stood up and fell down again. All her energy was gone. All her future was gone. Pain had left her paralysed in this one moment.

Her head filled with thoughts. That perhaps Daisy had arrived early and was trying to help other victims, that she wasn’t in the car when it was hit, she was out saving lives. All she had ever wanted to do was save lives!

She curled herself in the glass by the car. If the shards hurt her, it didn’t register. Sometimes, pain is felt so internally that external stimulus does nothing. What was life without her baby! What more reason did her miserable existence hold? How was it possibly for the human heart to endure such pain and keep beating, this was unfair. She should die like her little girl. Death would find her there too, where her little girl took her last breaths.

And how could this be how her story ends! Her Daisy, always smiling, always deeply involved in other people’s hurt. She was too good to go out like this. Where was the author? Didn’t He know that Daisy was supposed to die at an old age, surrounded by her children and grandchildren, having gone to sleep stuffed with her favourite foods and listening to the Greatest Showman soundtrack, her favourite album right now? Because she is the greatest showman. Was. Would have been. If only life was not so cruel. If only life didn’t change so much in the blink of an eye.