Greetings from Camp Isolation

CAMP ISOLATION

MS. TRISH, CAMP DIRECTOR

Nothing Matters Drive * Stop Eating, NJ 07724 | 732-no-where | Isolationis4me@gmail.com

April 12, 2020

Good Morning, Campers!

I hope that you are having an amazing time here at Camp Isolation. Don’t forget today’s schedule.  Pancakes at 10.  Day drinking at 10:05.  Naptime at 11.  Lunch at 1.  More drinking at 1:05.  Revaluation of your life choices at 2:00 and guess what?  No home schooling! Yes, I know that it’s Sunday but still…silver linings, people!

I'm not going to lie. I wanted to address some issues that have been bubbling to the forefront, like the ramen noodles you made for 4^th lunch yesterday. I've been hearing murmurs around the campsite. "Enough is enough." "Hasn't this flattened yet?" "I don't have a maw-maw or paw-paw." Being that some of our campers don’t quite understand the idea behind Camp Isolation, they are still sneaking around. I am very disappointed.  If I was in front of you right now, not practicing proper social distancing, I would have my sexy Cuomo-pout on. Tsk! Tsk! Tsk!  

I don’t care what Fox News has told you.  This virus is not a made-up hoax by the liberal media because of a failed Democratic coup.  It also has nothing to do with 5G, 4G, 3G or LTE.  

Now, even though some of you don’t know how to follow directions, I still won’t throw shade.  I’ll just say this, we see you… “Schmom.”  (Names have been changed to respect the not-so-innocent.) Therefore, we originally marketed this as 15-day excursion, then we extended it to a 30-day vacation. Now, guess what? You are on a 45-day sabbatical. Giddy up, buckaroos!   You’re not getting paid, so go write a book.

All kidding aside. You don’t have to sit next to your annoying coworker until at least May 1.  Silver linings! (Dates subject to change without notice.)

A couple of quick housekeeping notes before we continue.  For those campers who have junior campers with them, I understand that you are “schooling” them while they are here at camp. However, throwing them in your backyard for an hour does not count as a “fire drill”.  Seriously, it’s supposed to rain today.  If you bring your dog in, bring your dang kid in.  Make sure they don’t touch anything and wash their dang hands.

Please also, if our junior campers have cell phones, take them away before you “school”.  If one more child calls in a “bomb threat” to put an end to your insufferable teaching, I will give you a “fire drill”.  If they aren’t "feeling it" that day, let them be.  These are uncommon times.  They aren’t going to be denied admission to Harvard because they slacked off one day.  Besides, they’re no Albert Einstein and you’re no Maria Montessori.

You may also not be having it that day.  It works both ways, you know.  We respect that too.  If we hear you talking to yourself, we get it.  It’s obviously a parent-teacher conference. Silver linings!

While I’m addressing housekeeping, I have also noticed that certain essential supplies have disappeared from the campus commissary - “Trader Nomad’s”. Listen, we only allow 5 campers in the commissary at one time.  So, you can imagine the disappointment when campers, who have waited over an hour, six feet apart, to finally get in, find all the peanut butter, chocolate and wine gone. Ironically, the entire vegan aisle remains untouched.

Peanut butter, chocolate and wine are gone.  Yet, toilet paper, hand sanitizer and flushable wipes are piled to the ceiling.  What the hell are you people doing? Even worse, what have you done with all of the vegans? They obviously aren't eating, so where are they?! Should I be sending out socially-distant search parties?

Put a pin in the vegans for a second. I'm spiraling. Back to the hoarders. Unfortunately, it’s come to this. We are reviewing the commissary’s tapes now. Therefore, it is only a matter of time before we find out who this Machiavellian monster is.  

If you are out there, reading this letter, now is the time to come as clean as your door knobs should be. (Layoff the merlot and maybe Lysol something for once.) Place the contraband at the front door of the commissary (six feet away of course) and maybe we’ll consider not banishing you to the ShopRite one town over during senior hour.      

I know the last time we extended our time, I told you to start a hobby. Unplug your television. Do some yoga. Be creative.  I’m now going to ask you to knock that business off.  You all took that “be creative” way too seriously.  

If once more of your make-up tutorials shows up in my “Isolation-Gram” feed, I’m going to throw my MacBook Air against the wall.  (It’s ok.  I still have AppleCare.  I’m covered.)  I just cannot handle your smokey-eye.  Stop.  It looks like you got punched.  Also, no more glitter.  None of you are eight. When I see you, I feel like I should pull my "scratch and sniff" sticker album out of my attic.

While I am at it, no one wants to hear your rendition of “Imagine.”  I know Wonder Woman did it, but you shouldn’t. Every time it auto-starts in my “Isolation-Book” feed, forget about hell being below me.  It’s obviously all around me.

Now, when Camp Isolation comes to an end, and it will (fingers crossed), there will be a new normal and a new economy.  I love to see my campers becoming entrepreneurs.  Nonetheless, I also don’t want any more of scented candles.  Maybe if you guys picked up more toilet paper, you wouldn’t think there was such a need for scented candles.  Don’t be gross.  Also, yesterday I got eight requests for LuLaRoe, Color Street and Maskcara Beauty alone.  What are you trying to tell me?  Why don’t you forward me a Fandango Now ad for Trolls World Tour with a note, “This is you”?

As we enter into our next 15 days together (six feet apart of course), take this moment to reevaluate.  At some point, this will be over.  Turn off Fox News. Stay inside for someone else’s maw-maw and paw-paw.  Check one thing off your “To-Do” list.  Breathe deeply (as long as you have a mask on) and remember, don’t hoard the wine.  I’m watching you….

At some point, I’m pretty sure that we’ll find this hilarious.  Right?

Hope to not see you next year and please, if someone knows where all the vegans went, let me know. I'm starting to get worried.

Ms. Trish

Camp Director