Dream Big

This story contains depictions of mental health, substance abuse, and suicide.

I always knew my daughter was a creative and dream-driven mind. She had big ideas with no plans, impressive dedication where passion grew, and a heart that would never stop loving. As a little girl, I watched her choose a sparkly purple shirt with pink polka-dot shorts and white butterfly shoes as a first day of school outfit. She'd pick out a blue pair of peace sign earrings and clip her bangs back with her hair in a low ponytail. I'd send her off to play with friends and then I'd pick her up when the day was done. When we'd get home, she always seemed to have more energy than she started with somehow, I'd wish she'd transfer some of her energy to me. My daughter, Brynn, had always struggled in school. Not with grades or attendance, but with bloody noses and stomach issues. Occasionally we'd get a phone call that Brynn was in the nurses office and we knew on those days that she wouldn't be herself. For the longest time my husband and I would take her to the doctor to test her blood and give her a check-up but they always told us she was healthy. We couldn't figure out why she was experiencing this so often. The stomach issues eventually started coming out when she wasn't at school. All it took was a half of a churro at a hockey game, a mandarin for an after school snack, or even a full glass of milk at the dinner table. As she got older, the bloody noses seemed to stop and the stomach sensitivity seemed to lighten. Her personality, however, grew in a way we didn't understand. She stopped wanting to wear colorful clothes, she picked ripped jeans and sweatshirts over a dress or skirt, and she very quickly became irritable and cold. Instead of following her dad, Jay, around she was locked away in her room. Instead of having dinner with us, she'd stubbornly refuse to eat. Small miscommunications or a few chores turned into the end of the world. Doors were slammed, voices raised, and eerie silence accompanied a stare that I had never seen before. How could my dreamer look right through me as if I didn't exist?

High school was rough. I worked in the office there and while I thought I'd be able to keep her close, she drifted further apart. The grades would drop, the teachers would come to me with concern, and then the real trouble started. Brynn had gotten called to the principal's office for an incident she was involved in during their off-campus lunch. There was security footage of her keying a car outside of our local grocery store. There was no explanation, no reason given, just silence. She was suspended for three days for the first time. Her creativity seemed in tact though, as she was apart of the drama club. They'd have after school rehearsals and would put on a play at the end of the year. That extra curricular was the only thing she showed interest in. While I wanted to be upset, I was glad that she had something to do that allowed her to shine like she used to. It wasn't long, though, until we had another incident. Right before the students were about to put on their play, the police were called and paramedics rushed in. Brynn and one of her classmates had taken some sort of substance and another student who had seen this told their teacher. I was shocked. I couldn't believe that she would do this. The entire play was canceled and so many families that had traveled so far to see their own daughters or sons were infuriated and I could understand why. I was disappointed. None of us said a word on the car ride home. We simply sent her to bed and my mother went in to talk to her.

When Brynn graduated and moved out of our house, we were slightly relieved. Jay and I figured that maybe with the space to grow, she'd find something to be passionate about that would keep her from causing troubles. We were wrong. We hadn't known at the time but that day, back in high school, she hadn't taken a substance for the first time. She had been drinking alcohol and experimenting with drugs for God knows how long. Where could she have gotten things like that? Her friends certainly didn't seem like the type and her sisters would've never allowed it, nor would we for that matter, obviously. We'd get cryptic phone calls or voicemails, weird location notifications in the middle of the night, and she'd been losing weight like crazy. She had two friends take their own lives in high school and I knew that had contributed a lot to her behavior but I didn't expect substance abuse to come out of it. Not with who I believed her to be. In January of 2021, another close friend of hers had passed. He had stage four terminal cancer and to top it all off, he developed Calciphylaxis. His name was Aiden and he was a very well known and very loved member of the community. It was heartbreaking to watch. For those of you that don't know, this disease can be an aggressive result of kidney failure. The medications that Aiden was on caused the calcium in his blood vessels to buildup which created gruesome wounds that mainly originated on his legs. It was either they stop the medications, stopping the cancer treatment, or they continued treating the cancer and allowing this disease to grow over time. They took the latter because he had a longer life expectancy. I think this was one of the things that pushed my daughter too far. I think this might've been when we surely lost her.

Eventually, we got her some help. She agreed to go to a rehabilitation center where she stayed for about a year. Brynn was doing good. She got her spark back and made new friends. She applied for a new job, one we never saw coming, but it made perfect sense. She had applied to an escape game company and we saw her flourish. Our relationship with her was better than ever, too. We couldn't ever get her to shut up about this job but we didn't want to. Jay was probably the most excited for her. She grew quickly, moving up in the positions within a span of six months. She had worked her way swiftly to the assistant manager and planned to apply for a general manager position. My daughter found her true passion and her dedication paid off. She didn't even have to shoot for the stars, they fell in her lap like a happy accident. We couldn't have been prouder. None of us saw what was coming next. We got a phone call on June 13th from a Hospital 10 hours away. Thoughts raced through my mind as Jay was speeding on the freeways, trying to get to the airport as fast as we could. Our flight was delayed and by the time we got there, we were exhausted and emotional. The doctors told us that Brynn had ingested over 100 pills. They pumped her stomach and tried to help her but she was too far gone. She had already lost too much oxygen in her brain and her lungs filled with fluid causing her to suffocate on her own saliva. They told us that with the amount she ingested this wasn't an accident. Brynn did this on purpose. She had so much going for her, she had the job of her dreams, she was 23 years old, how could she do this? I wasn't even thinking about how she left us I was furious with how she threw such an amazing career away. I mean she was constantly telling us how important this place was and how it gave her a purpose to be better. We thought she was doing fine I mean where did this come from? What happened to my little girl?

Jay and I took a long time to plan her service. We decided on an open casket and dressed her in a nice silk white top paired with black jeans because we knew she'd hate us if we put her in a dress. Everyone had beautiful things to say, it was amazing to see all of the people she had connected with that we hadn't met before. She really was loved. When Jay and I returned home that evening, we collected our mail and sat in silence together. As Jay mindlessly sifted through the envelopes, he came across one addressed to Brynn. Jay read it aloud,

"Hey Brynn!

We are excited to tell you that you have been selected for the General Manager Role at our Roseville location! Attached below you will find your confidential offer letter! If you can look it over, sign it, and return it to us we would be very happy to start your on-boarding process as soon as possible! Let us know if you have any questions! Congratulations, you earned it!

- Susan"

As we both sat there in awe, Jay's eyes grew teary as he said softly, "You did it babygirl, you got it".

For all of my Brynn's out there, I know it gets tough and I know sometimes it may seem like you're running in circles but, please know that you will get there. Life can be cruel, confusing, and unpredictable. You could be surrounded by opportunities, friends, family yet still feel so alone. I know, I know it feels pointless. It can seem like there's no reason to try when all you've done is fight and fight. It may feel like you try with everything you've got but always somehow come up short. Or like you should be happy when you get these small triumphs yet you still feel empty. It may seem like you're better off dead so there's nobody to disappoint or bother. Please, dream big. Dream big and have patience. You will get to where you need to be if you can just hold on. Hold onto anything you can. It could be a job, a person, a memory, anything. Just hold onto it and fight. You can get through this, you will get through this. Reach for the stars or allow them to fatefully fall in your lap because you earned it and you deserve it. You deserve to dream big.