My Ex

My Ex             It’s been such a long time since we have talked.  Too long.  I have so much I want to tell you.  So much to make up for.  I just hope you’ll hear me out…

     It took a while to get your address, several calls and messages.  But after many calls that were uncomfortable and strained and just plain strange I was finally given your address from your youngest sister.  She didn’t want to give it to me but after an hour of hesitant forced pleasantries she finally gave me your address in Richmond.  I was surprised at where she told me you were because you never really liked being in the city and especially downtown.  

     The next day I woke up early planning on getting my nails and hair done and even had a new outfit in mind.  I don’t know why but I had so much to say to you.  A lifetime of thoughts and words and I wanted to try and look my best at this attempt of reaching out to you that I was about to embark on.

     It’s funny how at any phase of one’s life we think we know everything and are sure of ourselves and have reached a point where we have everything figured out, but always after time goes by why is it we learn we knew nothing?  This and so much more is what I wanted and needed to talk about with my ex. So after the salon and a quick trip to the mall I programmed your address in my gps and was on my way.  I have to confess even though I felt like you would be accepting of seeing me, just because of who your are, I was nervous.  Even wearing an outfit that you would like.  A black skirt and silk blouse and your favorite perfume.  I was so very nervous.  As I drove north on 95 and approached the exit, my heart was pounding.  I almost changed my mind one hundred times.  But I really did miss you and wanted to see your face,hear your voice and hopefully feel your arms around me.  It had just been so long.  

    As the gps was dinging to let me know I was at my exit I took a deep breath and made that right turn into downtown Richmond.  I was almost there.  Or so I thought, it went completely blank, no noise nothing and just when I was next to the James river and just trees for miles.  My heart began to pound now besides being nervous about seeing you again after so long I was lost.  There were no stores, homes, or people but at this point I was three and a half hours from home so there was no turning back now.  I must of driven for an hour before I finally saw a small service station that was open!  I hurriedly walked in half crying as the three men standing by the counter just stared at me as if I was an alien.  I bought a bottle of water and chewing gum and asked if they could help me find my way as I had become lost.  They were very helpful and agreed. I pulled out the address from my purse and handed it to the gentleman closest to me.  He looked it over, read it aloud, and passed the piece of paper to the second man that was standing next to me.  His face turned as white as sheet of paper. The third man grabbed the paper and quickly read it and looked over to me and with what seemed like fear said, “Is this some sort of a prank?  What are you up to lady? Nobody goes there at night! You need to get back in your car and go on back home! Now!”                                      I started crying all over again. I ran out of the store and got back into my car and just drove. I turned on my gps but it didn’t do a thing so I just drove down the dark tree lined twisting highway all alone until finally the moment came when it happened I saw a sign. The sign for Broad street one mile ahead. Alas I would be somewhere familiar. As I drove up Broad street and kept my eyes on the side streets comparing them to the map on my gps which just came back on when I finally was somewhere that was vaguely familiar.   I was beginning to feel as though  I was just about there. Butterflies in my stomach.   Ugh! So  nervous.  But I was going for it.  The gps was dinging.  My last turn.  As I turned into the paved, tree lined, perfectly landscaped drive I could smell the beautiful lilacs.  Although it really was lovely I thought I have had to made a wrong turn. 

Where was I? This looked like an estate of some sort.  I kept driving through the winding path as there was nowhere to turn around.  My gps lost it’s signal so I just kept going straight. “Was I lost again?”                                                                                                                  I crept along over the graveled driveway finally came to a brick cottage style house surrounded by gardenias and two ancient looking weeping willows.    Oddly as I stopped to decide if I should park and ask for directions or keep going I looked through the tall lush row of azaleas there sat a lovely cottage.  Just past the cottage were  iron gates blocking me from going any farther.  Well with or without my gps, my decision was made for me.  I had to pull in in front of the quaint red brick cottage and ask for directions.  I parked and took my time walking up to the robins egg blue wooden door in front of me.  I enjoyed the sweet scent of the gardenias as a slight breeze rustled through the willows.  I stood in the doorway and rang the antique bronzed door bell.  After a few moments an elderly gentleman answered the door. Walking stick in hand.  “How can I help you?”, he said.

     I apologize for bothering him to which he smiled warmly and asked if I would like to come in.  I declined the invitation as I was still so anxious to see Dave.  I explained that I was given this address from friends and was looking for Mr. Dave Atson 0311 alwys lane I asked if the address I had was correct.  He looked at my slip of paper that I had crinkled in my sweaty palm.  He smiled slightly and calmly and after a moment of hesitation said that yes I was in the right place.    He directed me toward the iron gates and in front of these ominous iron gates he turned to me and said, “ you can walk from here, just look for the weeping willow with the bronze bench under it and there you’ll have found Mr. Atson's home.”  

     This all seemed so strange.  I didn’t know if I was just so anxious about seeing my ex or was this whole situation becoming very odd.  

   As the gates slowly opened I began to step through them and I turned to thank this gentleman and he was gone.  I heard the closing of the front door on the cottage close I was even more a bundle of nerves at this point.  I took a moment to catch my breath, grabbed my compact out of my purse to check my hair and make up one last time and sprayed a tiny bit of my perfume on.  This was it.  I was on my way ready or not.  

     I started walking just a few steps and saw the weeping willow with the bronzed bench just to right of where I was.  I took a deep breath again and took a step.  That’s when I saw the marker.  Not an address marker but a plaque directly under the willow.  It had Dave’s name on it along with his birthdate and to my despair his date of passing. It was row eleven space three "always" lane As I felt my knees go weak and my eyes fill with tears, I looked around and realized I was surrounded by grave markers and flower arrangements for miles all around me.  I was frozen in the spot that I was standing.  I began to tremble as I heard the iron gates loudly clang shut.  I wobble slowly to the bench in front of and looked down.  There in front of me was the bronze grave marker. It read David Atson born September fifteenth nineteen hundred sixty five - Died August eighth twenty twelve.  

     I was finally here, facing my ex.  I had planned for months for this moment.  I had so much to say.  So much to thank him for, so much to apologize for.  How could this be? I slowly rose from the bench and knelt down on the ground with both hands on the marker as teardrops fell from my eyes splashing onto the marker.

     “Here I am Dave.” I wanted to make up for all of the hurt I caused you, tell you what you have always meant to me, and say to you, I don't want you to be my ex,  my past,  I want you to be my present and I your everything.  I was so nervous about the hello after all of this time and completely not prepared or ready for this final goodbye to my “ex.”This door was closing to never be opened again.   This would not be hello… but goodbye…    As I kneeled down on the soft green grass that surrounded me, I reached out and touched the marker.  How was I to walk away from this place with you being my ex? Now you would always be my ex.  Forgive me my love.  Goodbye my love.  As I stood to leave the wind picked up and rustled through the weeping willow that brushed my shoulders.  It was as if I was being touched on my shoulders so softly and lovingly.  Was it you? I guess I’ll never know.  I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and slowly walked away not for a moment looking back at my ex, my love, my life that I left behind. I had made so many decisions along the path of our journey together that sent me spiraling so far from you, had me so very lost.  You brought me back I’m no longer lost. Even the end can be a whole new beginning when it comes from love.

           My ex