My Cousin Really Doesn't Like Parties

It was my cousin’s only daughter’s birthday. She was turning 4 and my cousin was never one to do things halfway.

There was a table of desserts; little donuts, cake pops matching the sparkle theme, frosted pretzels, cupcakes, and cookies my cousin ordered that were cut in star shapes and designed like sparkling stars.

There was a food table; with dishes of fruit, bowels of chips, beans, salsa, and dip. Inside the house was food like rolls, and a macaroni dish with cheese, ham, and corn. There was barbecue pulled pork and some cheesy sliced potatoes. In different coolers there were cans of Coke, Diet Coke, sprite, A&W Rootbeer, and Shanta’s of many different flavors, and in a cooler on a table were bottles of a sort of Mexican variety drinks like Mexican Coke and flavors like orange, strawberry, watermelon and fruit punch.

It was a really nice evening, the usual 75-plus degrees of early fall had gone down to a nice 70 to 69 degrees with a nice cool refreshing breeze. Despite that, the sun was peeking out through the clouds, which was probably the reason for the multiple canopies over the food and over some tables for seating.

I’d just arrived with my family, I’d driven in my own car but we’d all arrived at the same time. And my family wasn’t the only one here. My grandparents had had 6 children and now even had 4 great-grandchildren. I’m 19 so I’m one of the few of their adult grandchildren. All of my dad’s siblings were here for the birthday party, so I started to count to make sure all my cousins were here too.

Honestly, there was one I was really looking for, my cousin Amy. She and I used to get on really well, we were the best of friends but her depression and anxiety had gotten worse and really had taken over her whole life.

She'd been going to school and having a great time, then suddenly she'd dropped out and moved back in with her parents. She'd brought with her, her new views on religion, politics, and the world that she'd formed while at school which caused some clashes with her parents and our grandparents. She tried to work but she couldn't keep a job for more than 6 months. She got on medication and was constantly going to therapy.

She was working really hard, I could tell, from all the information I got from the family rumor mill. I tried to text her and lend her support but she seemed to think that accepting my support would become a burden to me, which was not the case. So I looked forward to family functions so that I could possibly see her.

I say possibly because she had what was called Agoraphobia, the fear of going out into public places. She'd skipped a lot of family events, mostly religious family events but she really pushes herself sometimes. I knew she'd most likely be here because this was her beloved niece. She never missed her niece or nephew's important milestones because, despite everything she was going through, they were everything to her.

Amy and her situation had actually been a great inspiration to me. I had started looking into mental illness to try and help and be there for my favorite cousin who used to be so full of life, but now was MIA, I became so fascinated by how mental illness affects the world and the people around me. In my very first semester of college, I took an elective that taught a full month dedicated to reading body language. And I'd found myself using that more than I ever used Geometry that I learned in high school. So I felt prepared.

I spied her sitting at a table with my aunt and some of my cousin's friends. As her older sister Amy probably knew them. I saw that she was sitting with her feet on the ground and legs closed, her arms were held close to her body and I could have sworn I saw her shaking.

I took a deep breath and pulled a chair from an empty table and brought it over. “Hey, mind if I sit next to you Aunt May?”

My aunt nodded, “Sure as long as you don't mind Aria coming over all the time.”

I chuckled, “Of course not. It's her birthday.”

I sat down and looked around. My cousin's friends didn't seem to mind my presence. The man and woman sitting across from each other were passing a vape between them and would occasionally call out to or have a little girl with blonde curls come running up to complain to them. The girl next to the woman had to be her sister, they looked too similar to be anything else.

From her body language, Amy was tense but she seemed to be comfortable in present company. She had sunglasses on, not that the sun was particularly harsh, but her body was twisted towards my cousin's friends as they chatted about Aria and her brothers who apparently were pretty rough and weren't listening today.

There was a bouncy castle in the corner of their yard and the top of it was constantly going up and down as kids would jump from the slide and grab a bit of the net covering that was hanging down. Adults, mostly my cousin and her friends, would yell at the kids to stop doing it but apparently, they weren't listening.

I just sat there for a few minutes observing. After a bit, I guessed that Amy had one of her infamous migraines. She had a red solo cup with coke that she would occasionally take big drinks from. She had two Coke cans stacked on top of each other in front of an empty chocolate cupcake wrapper.

The kids would come over sometimes, usually to complain about other kids hitting, kicking, or punching them. Other times Aria would wonder by looking just adorable in her sparkly dress. Amy seemed kind of annoyed that our grandmother thought that my cousin's youngest son, Sam, had to be held or followed around and not left alone even though there were tons of adults and he was coming up on 3 years old.

Amy and our grandparents had a somewhat tense relationship. Our grandparents were very devoutly religious and had raised all their children and expected all their descendants to be just as religiously devout as they were. At school, Amy had broken from the religion completely and her parents and sister were accepting of her decision. There was a lot of “disappointment” from our aunts and uncles but we all didn't love her any less. My parents suspected that Amy's decision had influenced me when I decided to step away from it as well, but I'd done my own investigating and constantly had to defend Amy against any suspicion.

So when my cousin's husband and his friend brought out a blow-up pool, ice, and 3 kinds of beer I saw Amy's shoulders tense up as some people at the table behind us started to criticize their decision to have alcohol at a 4-year-old's birthday party.

I tried to engage Amy in conversation about things to distract her from their comments and she told me how she's playing some video games sometimes and is trying to participate in a weekly short story program that she is actually pretty excited to do.

My aunt left her seat to do something and I scooted over into her seat as Amy and I continued to talk. Talking about things that she seemed passionate about had lifted a little of the stress from her shoulders, but I could tell by the way she kept her arms and legs close to her body and kept her hand movements close and to a minimum that despite her excited voice and manner of speaking that she was uncomfortable in general. Her face was expressive but that's the way that she's always been when she's around someone she feels comfortable around. I was happy that she felt that way. Her eyes however never met mine instead, she continually kept looking around and her eyes would comfortably land on the table or her lap.

I didn't try to force the conversation, I didn't really know anyone other than my family so I decided to stick with Amy since this would be one of the few times I could spend any time with her. I offered to get her food so she wouldn't have to stand in a packed line while everyone went through a line in the house to get food. She seemed to be thankful and offered to get me a drink in exchange.

Amy drank two more cokes during the time she was at the party and confessed that the reason was because the caffeine would sometimes help the headaches but when it didn't help it go away, it helped her feel better emotionally.

As the sun went down my cousin was in a hurry to get through pictures and get the cake cut and distributed. Her husband's friends and family didn't seem like they wanted to leave in a hurry but our family and their guests with kids seemed to want to leave before the sun set. Understandable.

I noticed though that as the sun set, it got later and it cooled down even more, Amy seemed to be more inclined to look up. Likely the diminishing light levels would be more comfortable for her head but I could still tell that the packed tables and people constantly around us were making her increasingly more uncomfortable.

I saw her when I had gone to talk to my mom about my plans to stay till Amy left, she leaned close to her mom and was whispering while she was defiantly shaking. I'd seen it that when I was away from her occasionally during the party, she would almost withdraw into herself not talking to anyone, and would be slightly shaking while bouncing her legs nervously.

Seeing her made me want to hug her and help her but I knew from all my research and the books I'd read in my free time that it wasn't always that simple. Some of my other cousins would come over and ask me how Amy was doing and annoyed that they weren't asking her, I'd say something to the effect of “Just look at her, how do you think she's doing?” then tell them to ask her themselves.

Finally, as it approached 8 and they had turned on their outside lights. Amy teased her dad about him saying he wouldn't be staying till 8pm this time and he complained that it was time to go and they needed to leave but her mom was distracted with his grandchildren. Knowing that her exit from this crowded party was coming to an end she seemed to be a lot more at ease. As her mom passed the coke she asked her mom to grab her two more cans and she announced to the milling group of people at large that she needed hugs cause she was leaving.

Almost as if she'd called them by name her nephews and niece ran for hugs. I could tell how much they loved her, and by the way she held onto them and didn't seem to want to let go, especially the oldest one, I could tell how much those four children meant to her and how much she loved them.

I let my cousin know I was leaving while Amy was grabbing her bag, cokes, and the top cake her sister forced on her. I took two pieces of cake out of pity for the sheer amount of cake she had. The last time I saw Amy she was practically jumping into her mom's car almost as if something was chasing her.

The next day my mom and I were talking on the phone when she brought up the party and Amy came up. “She seemed like she was doing really well.” My mom commented, “I mean, she was able to get out of the house and see her family. And that's good.”

I let her know that it normally would be but with Amy's diagnosis, she wasn't doing good at that party at all. I wondered to myself whether it was just me who could tell that she was having a hard time or not because it wasn't just my mom who had that opinion. I just wish things were different for Amy.