It took an enormous amount of experiences, struggles, and time for me to become the person I am. Every challenge carried its own lesson, every setback revealed a hidden strength, and every moment of doubt slowly shaped me into someone stronger, wiser, and more grounded. Looking back, I see that the journey was not just about reaching this version of myself, but about learning to honor the process, to embrace growth, and to trust that even the hardest seasons were guiding me here.

The abuse of my mother, neglect of my father, loss of my caretakers who were my old grandparents, turned me into a survivor. And my prayers it seemed, were never heard or answered. I learned to fend for myself.

If I ran away again, like I did so many times before. What would happen to me if I ran away again? Alone out on the streets in Austria, I surely would not survive.

Where would I sleep? How would I eat? How could I get clothing? And on and on it went. I found an answer and turned myself into a chameleon. Nothing else seemed to work. I had to change into someone else whenever it was necessary. But, I could force myself to fit in to get what I needed.

At age forty-seven I had applied so many different personalities. At this point in my life I had become the chameleon. I no longer recognized the difference of forcing myself to fit or fitting in without force. “Which personality, look and masquerade style would I have to use today. I am just not safe in this world. I am just not able to show people who I am.” Those were my constant thoughts. “I am tired so so tired of it all,” was what I told myself.

Five years sober and well on my journey, something happened which changed me forever. I fully recognized that as long as I am willing to keep working on it and giving away the miracles I would live a good life. I and so many others discovered, this personality change would bloom into something incredible. It was nothing less than miraculous.

I became willing to let go of all the old stuff. Let go of old feelings and thoughts. I let go of my old masked personality. Let go of fear, ego and doubt.

Slowly, stepping forward I walked carefully like walking on ice. In early sobriety I felt unsure and lost most of the time. “Who was I. Who was the real me?” It was imperative to stay busy in AA and to apply self-reflection, I figured out that I was an afraid little girl who went through severe abuse. Severe trauma had compounded in my life like water, gushing against the walls of a pool. The trauma was like a deep black bottom pool which wanted me to drown. I was flapping my arms inhaling the water and gasping for air. “I need a life vest!” I screamed and nobody heard me until I heard my own voice, screaming for change. I had to get involved by actively working on myself.

By attending meetings, I learned the importance of maintaining preparedness and following safety practices. I no longer had to jump into that pool and almost drown.

Willingness and Powerlessness was the fabric of the life vest thrown at me by AA members.

Jenna, Jay, Ant, Donato my dear sponsor, Robert (R.I.P), and many others were standing on the deck of the pool calling out: “Come here, put that vest on and flap over here. You got to do it. How bad do you want it? You must do it your self. Do what extent are you willing to go? Here, Here.”

Courage was the safety ladder at the pool’s deck which would let me out. All I had to do was take twelve steps. They said: “Get out of that dark pool and out of the waters of trauma.” All the while I was clenching onto the AA life vest. Straddling my feet in the water, half resident and half willing. There was one thing I knew, I would not take the vest off until I stepped onto the pool deck with both feet firmly grounded.

All my instincts cried out: “But what are you doing you know the waters and how to flap your arms and gasp? You have always done this, and you feel safe in familiar waters. You know how to navigate. You know how to avoid drowning. Yea you might have come close to drowning at times, but you never drowned. You got this Cee. You got this.”

Thanks to a greater power than me this time I did not listen to that gnawing voice of doubt. I hung on to the life vest, kept straddling my feet in the water and listened to the voices of AA. I let others led by a Higher power pull me to dry land. One step at a time.

Yes. It was painful and yes it was scary. Nevertheless, it had to be done. I could no longer avoid drowning. I came really close this time. The mask of the flapping gasping girl had to come off. The delusion of being safe in familiar waters had to go. It was of highest importance if I wanted to live. I had to leave the pool of trauma.

There was no need to jump back into the pool of dark familiar waters. The rooms of AA were dry, sunny, warm land, and safety. All I needed was the willingness to listen. I needed an open mind to learn and keep a shut mouth and stop gasping. No need to navigate, no need to pretend, no need to fit in, no need to be anybody but myself. The good-hearted person who I am. Stay kind and be kind and be unafraid to be love and light.

How did I get to be that person? Well, here is the account of me taking the twelve steps out of the dark pool waters of familiarity.

Behind me, beneath me and ahead the water was dark and I no longer could see or sense that the dark pool had a bottom. I felt like I was swimming myself into a deadly exhaustion.

Flapping helplessly in the dark pool of certain never ending uncertainty I was struggling to keep my head above the surface when, out of nowhere, through the fog of my numbed senses . a life vest landed in front of me. Water was splashing all over my face.

Flapping my arms, fast toward the vest, I grabbed it and put it on, I swam toward the pool’s ladder, and I took the first step. I let the life vest wrap my body in safety. Then, I felt an inner urge to take the first step. I looked up and there was the face of Jay Westbrook. He said: “Just dare take that step. Every perpetrator was once a victim and not every victim becomes a perpetrator. We no longer live that way darling. You are neither a perpetrator nor a victim. Go find a sponsor. Stop answering the emails of that guy. Why would you even read them?” The guy who was my boyfriend, was in the pool of trauma swimming wanting me to drown. His eyes were shark eyes dark and lifeless. I avoided turning around . I did no longer want to see these eyes.

Moving forward carefully, I took the second step holding on to the hand of AA pulling me toward the third step. That is when I turned around to take one more look at the shark eye savage in the water who was belligerent. I now saw that he drowned. Tears in my eyes, pain in my heart but determined I turned back to the ladder. Jay looking at me: “ Keep going, I am Jay a grateful recovering alcoholic.” Step two was so much bigger than I was. I stood still, almost frozen on step two. I had chills half out of the pool.

I took a deep breath and stepped up onto step three. “Yes, I can breathe but what about the guy in the water?” My face turned toward the face of Jay saying: “Why would you?”

Then there was another voice. It was Ant and he told me how he had lost the love of his life and stayed sober. Ant always laughed and used curt language which I was able to understand.

“Ok, Ok, I can do this I can do this,” and with that in mind I took another step. Now I stood on step four.

Step four was liberation to stay in integrity and speak out loud why I jumped into the black bottom pool in the first place. “Yes here I go,” My sponsor now took my hand. “Its ok just do it we talk about it,” Donato’s voice was comforting.

Step five. He was on dry land for quite some years. Donato’s voice said: “Keep looking at me do not turn around. Tell me what you think you did wrong and let’s pray together.”

Step six and I hear Donato’s voice: “Yes darling, your Higher power got you. His objective for you is perfection let the Higher power pull you until your own vision can push you forward.” I screamed. Yes, I was terrified. The scream hollered and made high waves on the pool’s surface like a hurricane. “WHAT WILL BECOME OF ME? HOW CAN I JUST LET GO?”

Then complete silence and the water of the pool stood still like a dark iced surface. I said:

“Ok, ok I am almost out of the water on dry steps. I still can feel the waters against my calves,” I said. “You are beautiful and you are light and love. Keep stepping forward,” Donato reiterated.

I took another step, now on step seven, and I felt the water against my ankles. It felt great relief, almost out of the water but there were a lot more steps. I shivered, because I was cold outside that pool. Now the life vest had to come off. “Oh no I am going to freeze and chatter my teeth,” my thoughts told me. I stood in front of myself, so naked, so vulnerable, shivering and looking at myself. Donato stood by my side leading me to safety with his guiding voice. Jenna, Jay, Ant, Robert all still there.

Another step eight and I looked back without jumping back into that pool. Now, I had to think about my wrongs. Who had I drowned? “Forgive your worse enemy and first forgive yourself,” Donato said. I was breathing fast and then took the next step.

Now I am on step nine and the water of the pool water m, only touched my toes. The shivering subsided and it was the first time I began feeling warmth. Looking back I became willing to make amends to people when it was safe for them and for myself.

Step ten, now my entire body was almost on the warm dry deck of the pool. I would not do anything to jeopardize what I had found. No morbidity just honesty. Donato’s voice leading: “ Stay on track, stay out of the dark pool water, physically and mentally and move forward.”

I took a deep long breath in and out through the nose. My out-breath made the sound of a locomotive train. I stepped onto the eleventh step.

“Yea, it feels great,” I said, and Donato answered: “I told you so darling.” I finally had a genuine smile on my face. Now I felt the warm sunlight. I looked at the light and I spoke to the light up above. There was so much of it. It was comforting. I spoke to that light when I took the last step of the ladder. I could not help but look back , stare at the dark pool water, the place where “shark eyes” drowned. That’s when I heard Jay’s voice: “Why would you darling. Jay grateful recovering alcoholic.”

Ok, ok, last step TWELVE.

I reached the step with both feet held on to the railing of a higher power. I let the invisible force pull me all the way onto the deck and walked onto dry land.

I felt the warm deck under my feet. I felt comforted by the invisible. Concrete warmth, serenity light and somebody handed me a towel. His name was Ant.

“This is the beginning darling. Because it’s all ok in the end and if it is not ok it is NOT the end sweety.” Ant smiled and added: “Stop fussing around I need you to baby sit my dog. I heard you like dogs. Now keep moving. Go on, go on.”

Ant’s voice kept me awake and I looked at the twelve steps leading back into the water of the black bottom pool. I looked at the reflection on the water surface. It was the reflection of an old identity of myself, with dark shark eyes, gasping for air and flapping it’s arms.

Then I turned around and there was Donato who said: “I told you that you are beautiful. You are light and your love will help so many. Look here is a mirror. I stood there for some time staring at the girl in the mirror.

A young beautiful woman handed me a gift. I unwrapped it. When the paper came off I saw a Big Blue Book. Jenna smiled at me and said: “Remember, you asked me for it. I thought it was important for you to have it. I also offer you my friendship. My gamily Ziggy, Abi and John and I welcome you to life.”

Today so many years later I dress in enjoyable “me” fashion. The skin of my face is clear, and my cheeks show high cheek bones but marked with health and vibrance. My body has the scars of the past covered with beautiful tattoos. And I smile the smile of a lifetime.

“Thank you, thank you, universe, Higher power, Donato, Jay, Ant, Robert, Jenna and AA for showing me my true identity. For helping me live.

Once my true self was revealed and the old waters no longer had adhesion to my body, life bloomed. After I took the steps of the ladder out of the dark bottom pool of addiction what remained was my authentic self.

Adhesion is not just clinging to life vests, it is the chemistry of transformation by taking one step at a time to let the waters dry out. Once the body has dried and new bonds with the sun have been formed that’s where the new identity shines through. That is were life takes on a blooming form.

A new life, a new me. I am always grateful to AA and all the people who I met along the way. Grateful to the people who did not make it out of the pool of darkness. And grateful to still have “the winners” like Donato, Jay, Ant, Jenna amongst some others, in my life today.