My fault

7 of July, 2001

My life is falling apart, and it’s all my fault.

I should have just accepted that Markus only wanted to hang out at my place. Even though mom hates him, never leaves us alone and calls him a filthy tramp, I’d rather have that than not have him at all.

I always asked him why we couldn’t hang out at his place, as mom was driving me crazy at this point. He only said that his father was a weirdo. His mother wasn’t part of the picture, as she passed away when he was like ten. Markus never told me anything about her, except her ability to sing like an angel. I recently found a recording of her singing the lead role in some opera. Despite not understanding Italian at all, her voice brings me to tears every time I listen to her sing. I’ve been listening to it a lot more during the last weeks.

Eventually he changed his mind and allowed me to tag along to his house after school. It was beautiful, and much bigger than I thought. Practically a damn mansion! His dad wasn’t home at the time, but his step mom was. She was kinda sweet, but a bit shy. However, Markus didn’t seem to like her that much. When I asked him about it, he only said that it was her fault that his mom died. I don’t understand it, because I’ve heard she died from an accident. However, we never talked about it again. Now, when I think back at everything, I think she was actually scared. I can’t blame her.

After the first visit, I got to come over as long as his dad wasn’t home. Usually we would read together, listen to music or play some games. When we grew bored of that, we’d lay in his big cozy bed and make out. It was lovely. I loved when he’d touch me and kiss me until my stomach was filled with butterflies. While we fooled around, he’d occasionally stop to look at me with his beautiful dark brown eyes and whisper “amore mio” to me. I admit that we did a lot more more than kissing a few times. It was nice. He was always nice to me. He’d always ask me if I was okay, before we proceeded to do more. Unlike the other boys at school who are all like “wham, bam, thanks ma’am”. After one of our sessions, I asked him what “amore mio” meant. He smiled at me and told me that it means “my dearest” in his mother’s language, before pressing a soft kiss on my cheek. 

Fuck, why didn’t I listen to him? I love him so fucking much! If only I had listened, I wouldn’t have lost him.

There was this one time we were supposed to hang out after school, but when we got ot Markus’s place, his dad had arrived earlier from one of his working trips. At this point, I didn’t understand what Markus’s deal with his dad was. Erik, which was his name, was super duper nice and told me how lovely it was that his son had found such a sweet young girl. Markus’s on the other hand practically pulled me out of the house before we managed to talk any longer. He refused to tell me what was wrong, despite me asking about plenty of times. I gave up eventually, but this would cause a rift that would make us drift further apart, until we couldn’t reach out anymore. 

I did come to his place a few times, granted his dad wasn’t home. But the times I visited, Markus seemed to be much more on edge than usual. Always listening for any signs that his dad was home. This annoyed me and I asked him to stop. He did maybe for an hour or so, before becoming ever so fidgety again.

Then one day, Markus got sick and wasn’t at school. I volunteered to bring his homework. I did receive a text where I could just walk right in, as the door was unlocked. To my surprise, I found his dad answering the door. With a huge smile he invited me in, while telling me that Markus was resting upstairs and needed some peace and quiet. He gave me some soda and asked me about my life. I understood Markus’s disdain for his dad even less. Erik was the nicest adult I had ever met. He was fun, and not stiff like most adults tend to be. He even took time to listen to me, unlike my mom and dad who were so caught up in their own lives that they barely had time to spare for me. I remember Erik asking me why I wasn’t visiting them more often. I told him about Markus’s determination to keep me and his dad separated. I sort of expected him to be mad about it, but instead he smiled and said that I shouldn’t care too much, as Markus had a tendency to get some strange ideas. He promised to take it up with his son as he had time. Then it was time for me to leave for my handball practice. Erik waved me off and asked me to visit again as soon as possible.

After that, I did come over more often than before, whether his dad was there or not. As time went on, I started to really like Erik. He was fun and charming, and he always seemed to have time to listen to me. He actually seemed to care about what I had to say, and he would give me advice and support I needed. Sometimes I’d arrived earlier or stayed longer than I had planned, only to have a chance to talk to Erik. Soon enough, I started to see him like an extra dad and we grew quite close.

Of course, Markus didn’t like this one bit. He had stopped complaining, but it was clear as day that he was not approving of mine and Erik’s friendship. He never left us alone, as he would always linger in a corner, never once joining our conversations. However, his presence was like a heavy blanket, especially with his murderous gaze that seemed to turn his warm brown eyes to the coldest shade of black. Initially I found it annoying, and this feeling grew only worse and worse as time went on. Eventually I couldn’t stand it anymore, and I confronted him about him, calling him a controlling asshole. He snapped and yelled at me about how his dad was not who I thought he was. He told me the most outrageous stuff I’d ever heard, that his dad had killed his mom and that he had caused the scars on Markus’s arms. I got mad and told him that he was a liar, that Erik was nice and that Markus only hated him because he would get some strange ideas for no reasons. That made him go silent and turn around from me. Before he left, he said in an ice cold voice that his dad had brainwashed me and that everything that was going to happen to me would be my fault.

How I wish that he was wrong.

I immediately regretted our fight and the next day, I headed to his place to apologize. When I knocked, Erik opened the door. He must have noticed my mood, as he looked concerned as he let me in. He gave me a soda and asked me what had happened. I told him everything about our fight and how much I regretted the words I said. Erik took his time to comfort me and told me to not care too much about what some teenage boy said. How they tend to be less intelligent compared to girls the same age. It was when he told me that he had never understood why girls like me would waste our time with such pathetic creatures, when there were plenty of men out there ready to give the attention we deserved. That was the first time I felt uncomfortable, as I asked him what he was talking about. He laughed and told me that boys can’t give a young woman like me the emotional or intimate connection I needed. I got defensive and told him that Markus wasn’t that bad of a boyfriend and actually took great care of me. Erik’s smile turned predatory, like a wolf who wanted nothing than to sink its teeth into a frightened little rabbit. As he cornered me he told me that I didn’t have to deny the fact of how much I craved his attention, that my infatuation with him had been crystal clear from day one. He had only made sure to build a bond with me, in order to let me surrender myself to him. Before I could protest, he pressed his cold rough lips against mine. I hated it. Where Markus’s kisses were soft and loving, his were harsh and dominant, as if he wanted to seize me rather than please me. I wish I had fought back, done something to free myself of his touch. Instead I did nothing. I just stood there, letting my arms hang by my sides as he kept touching me as he wanted. The shock from the realization that Markus had been right all along crippled me. He had only tried to protect me. As Erik was going further without me being able to protest or get free, I knew that Markus was right. This was my fault only.

That was when I noticed Markus in the corner. He stared at us with such fury and betrayal that my heart felt like it was ripped into. That was when I finally gained enough strength to get free from Erik’s grasp. Unfortunately, Erik noticed Markus too and before I could tell him that it wasn’t as it seemed, he told Markus that the cat was out of the bag. He lied about how we had an affair, and that I had never loved Markus at any point. The most disgusting thing though wasn’t the lies he spewed. It was how he sounded so honest, that even I almost believed him. Markus wept as he said that Erik is a monster that takes everyone away from him. This caused Erik to give him a slap and with a snark telling him to man up. I tried to step between, but Erik took ahold of my neck and told me that good whores keep quiet. Markus let out a furious cry as he lunged at his dad, knocking us all to the floor. I got up on my feet quickly and ran as fast as I could. The last thing I saw before slamming the door shut behind me, was Markus smashing a glass bottle to the floor.

I haven’t seen him since then. I’ve tried to call him several times, without him picking up. I heard from Lisa that the police were apparently called and Markus is placed in juvie for beating Erik up. I wanted to tell someone what actually happened, but no one would listen. Everyone agreed that Markus had that coming, especially my mom. She has forbidden me from seeing Markus, after I came home with bruises on my neck. She didn’t listen to me as I tried to explain that Erik caused these bruises and Markus would never harm me. Instead she told me that there was no need to protect an abuser. She also scolded me for speaking ill of Erik, who she claimed was a respectable man who tried his best after the loss of his wife. I knew she had already made up her mind, so I haven’t spoken about it.

Maybe that’s why I’m writing about it now? Just in case someone would snoop in my diary, they would find the truth to what actually happened. Or maybe I’m trying to figure out what I did wrong. Because everything is my fault. It’s my fault that I can still feel Erik’s greedy hands on my skin, even though it has been weeks. It’s my fault that Markus is in juvie and I’ll probably never see him again. It’s my fault that I’m sick and tired from anxiety. My mom is taking me to the doctor because of how sick I have been. I can’t keep anything down and I just want to sleep all the time. If only I could sleep forever, where I could dream and see Markus again. My life is so empty without him. I just want him to hold me again and whisper “amore mio” in my ear until my heart flutter.