After the Storm...

I could feel the tension in her arms as she drew me closer for a long needed embrace. I felt her warmth radiate through every part of my body. Each of my muscles relaxed one-by-one. This is what I needed. I had needed it for a long time, but it was only now standing on her doorstep that I realised it. As she slowly released me I shuddered as the cool evening breeze whipped around me, making me long to be in her arms once more.

I wiped away my tears, I had made a promise to myself only two weeks previously that I had cried my final tears for that idiot. I had been stupid, again. I had forgiven his unacceptable behaviour once more.

‘What has he done this time?’ Anna said brushing the stray strands of hair away from my eyes.

‘He drank again. He promised me Anna. He knows what it does to him.’

‘You don’t deserve to be treated this way hon. You are the sweetest person I know.’

‘You’re right, I don’t deserve it, but I did truly love him. I still love the fun, sober him.’

‘I don’t think he’ll ever accept that he has a problem. People like that rarely do. I’m sure you don’t want to hear it. But you have to get out Vicky.’

I nodded, knowing she was right but finding it so hard at the same time.

‘He’s had enough chances. I have to be strong and walk away.’ My cheek started to throb, the point where his fist had made contact for the final time.  When I reached up to touch it I took in a sharp breath, the pain shooting up into my skull.

‘Is that sore, hon?’ Anna said her eyes narrowing slightly.

I nodded silently, too exhausted to say much.

‘We should really get you checked over by a Doctor,’ Anna said.

‘Mmhm. Then I’ll report him to the police. I’m not letting him get away with it this time,’ I said, shifting from one foot to another.

I was lost in thought whilst Anna drove me to the hospital.

On the night I had met Sean I had no idea how our story would play out. I mistook his controlling ways as confidence.

That night I had gone to a nightclub with a couple of friends from University. We were having a great time, drinking and dancing a lot. We had plonked ourselves down on one of the sofas to rest our aching feet for a while. A dark-haired extremely good-looking man came to sit next to me.

‘Hi, I’m Sean,’ he said extending his hand in greeting.

‘Hi Sean. I’m Vicky,’ I said, smiling as I shook his hand.

We chatted for the rest of the night. He was charming but not in an arrogant, smarmy way. He made me feel like I was the only person in the room. Sean was genuinely interested in what I had to say. I hadn’t been used to that, most men my age just wanted to get me into bed, the chat didn’t interest them.

Eventually the music started to slow down.

‘Will you dance with me?’ Sean said offering me his hand again.

‘Yes, I’d like that.’

We swayed to the music, our bodies perfectly in tune, caught in an elaborate courtship, like a pair of peacocks. I lay my head on his chest, feeling his muscular arms encircling my waist. Before I knew it the music stopped and the lights got much brighter. Sean led me outside.

‘Here, give me your phone,’ he said reaching over to me, waiting for me to place it in his hand.

He punched in a phone number and his phone proceeded to ring.

‘There, now we both have each other’s numbers.’

I took my phone back.

‘I’ll call you to arrange a date,’ he gave me a lingering kiss on the lips, no tongues were involved. Then he turned and jumped into a waiting taxi without even giving a backwards glance.

This marked the beginning of our three year relationship. It started off great. Sean carried on being charming and he was always the life and soul of the party. Everyone seemed to love him. Everyone that is apart from my older sister, Anna.

‘There’s something off about him, Vicky. Just please be careful.’

‘And boom! There she is my overprotective big sister,’ I nudged her playfully in the ribs.

‘I know, I know. I just don’t want to see you get hurt.’

Anna was nine years my senior, and had had to take over raising me when our mother was diagnosed with severe depression. I had only been six at the time, Anna had been more of a mum to me than my mother had been able to be. I would always be grateful to her for that. I knew she didn’t want my heart to get broken, because if it did hers would break too.

I remember the night everything changed between Sean and I as though it had only just happened, every detail was fresh in my mind. Sean and I had been invited to a Halloween Party. It was attended by all his work colleagues. We both had too much to drink that night. He had spent the entire evening talking to a beautiful woman. She had come alone so Sean had taken the opportunity to be his charming self.

When she had gone to the toilet I took my opportunity to go and talk to him.

‘I don’t know anyone here and you’ve left me on my own for hours. It’s not fair,’ I said trying to keep my voice low but finding it impossible against ‘Thriller’ blaring out of the speakers.

‘She hasn’t got a date so I was keeping her company. She looked really lonely by herself,’ he said shrugging his shoulders.

‘What about me? Your Girlfriend. You’re the only person I know. Instead of leaving a work colleague on her own you thought it was a great idea to leave me on my own!’ I could feel tears pricking my eyes. ‘I should be higher up your list of priorities.’

‘For God’s sake Vicky. It’s not as big of a deal as you’re making out ... Oh, hi Julia. Do you want another drink? ’ Sean said turning his back on me.

At this I turned and headed out of the door, leaving him to do whatever it was that he wanted to do. I had never felt so humiliated in my entire life.

He arrived home a couple of hours later, a lot drunker and in a foul mood. His eyes were dark when he looked at me. I watched as he took his hand back and slapped me hard across the cheek.

‘If you ever, embarrass me in front of my friends like that again, you’ll get a lot more than a slap.’

The crying lasted until dawn. How had our relationship come to this? I knew things like this happened, but not to me. Not to anyone I knew. I ended up convincing myself that it was my fault, I had provoked him and I had to act more maturely in future. I told no-one, I was too ashamed.

Looking back I know I should’ve left then, and not let him take away my self-confidence and my worth. But he had already started to do that without me even realising it.

True to his word the abuse got steadily worse. He was careful to only hit me in places I could easily hide the bruises under clothes – my chest, ribs and upper arms. I got very good at making excuses when I had to wear long sleeves in the summer. The only people who knew about the bruises apart from Sean and I was my dear sister, Anna.

She saw a mark on my arm one day when we went clothes shopping together. I had forgotten about the bruise I had on my arm. She was so cross with him, I could see her fists ball when she spotted it.

She tried to make me see what a monster I was living with but he had done a good job of making me feel like it was all my fault. Heck, I had even been the one apologising to him! Anna knew the best thing to do was to remain constantly available to me for when I needed her, she knew one day I would break free but it had to be my decision.

I had almost escaped him a fortnight before. Sean had been drinking again. I lay in bed pretending to be asleep when he arrived home. I didn’t want to provoke him in the slightest way.

That time I did nothing and I knew it. Something had made him angry. He climbed on top of me and started pummelling my back. He then grabbed my hair and rolled me over to give one final punch in the mouth. I screeched in pain, raised my knee and jabbed him in the groin. I managed to escape, while he was rolling about in pain. I ran the mile to my sister’s house, without looking back.

She hugged me, cried and begged me to leave him and call the police. I said I would, but the following morning he text me. Full of apologies, blaming the drink, promising he wouldn’t drink again and he’d get help for his temper. I gave in and went home.

Now here I am, sat in A & E, face throbbing.

‘We’d like to give you an X-ray,’ The doctor said, ‘Is there any chance you could be pregnant?’

‘I guess there could be a possibility,’ I said.

And the result of that test is what has given me the strength to leave him and press charges. It’s one thing getting yourself beaten to a pulp but something did not sit right with me about bringing a child into that environment.

I am so content with my choice, I lay my hand on my belly and promised my child – no one will ever harm you my love, they will have to get through Mummy first.