With the Breeze

TW: domestic abuse

The cool breeze whispered across Ava’s face as she stared at the creek. The water tumbled across the rocks, sand, and vegetation. She heard runners, hikers, and children mingling above her at the popular trail. It was a beautiful spring day in Colorado. Not too hot. Not too cold. No need to switch outfits in the middle of the day. Her olive-skinned legs were bare in shorts she normally wore in the summertime. Her arms free in a t-shirt. Only her green eyes were covered with her aviator sunglasses, allowing her to fully absorb the environment. The cool breeze and warm sun complemented each other, and she bathed in the sounds of birds, running water, and murmurs of strangers. Beside her, Cooper, her golden retriever lounged on a grassy patch near the water. His tongue stuck out and he panted lightly, calmly lying in his side facing the creek.

She glanced at Cooper, who gave her a lazy look, tongue still out. Ava smiled. “Let’s go pup.” she said, and Cooper rose to his feet.

She opened the passenger side door and Cooper jumped into the seat. She clipped him into the seatbelt latch with his blue harness, and he lied down on the mat she prepared for him over the cargo tote on the floor. She entered the driver’s seat and turned on the ignition. The air conditioner blasted her and Cooper in the face as the engine started. Ava felt the rush of cold air and reacted immediately by turning it off. She opened the sun roof, rolled the windows down, and put the car in drive. 

She thought was of Joel. His stocky frame, dark, curly hair, dark eyes, fair skin, and full lips. He asked her to be his girlfriend on a fall day when they were sixteen. They were outside near the creek, and he grabbed her hand, caressing her fingers and looking her in the eye. She’d said yes and kissed him lightly on the lips. He looked away, smiling shyly. As time went on, Joel became the center of her world. The nights she spent at her friend’s house came to an end as time with him became more important. She missed homecoming because he didn’t want to go. She missed the bon fire and the powder puff football game that she wanted to play in because Joel decided that it was stupid. She quit the soccer team her senior year because Joel thought it was “stupid” that girls play sports. “What’s the point?” he said. “It’s not like anyone wants to watch girls play and they’ll never be pros.” She quit working on the school plays designing costumes because it took too much time away from her and Joel. Finally, she gave up on her dream to go to college to be a nurse. Joel said, “women should be at home taking care of the house, not working all day. Men do that so women don’t have to.”

They married a few years later at the church they grew up in. Their families were elated. They moved into a small home at the edge of the city, near the air force base. Joel started work as an electrician’s apprentice at his dad’s company. She began work as a CNA, although Joel would never allow her to work more than two days a week. He had always said that he wanted her at home. 

The first time he hit her, she’d picked up an extra shift. She was trying to save money to buy him a present for his birthday. When she came home, he grabbed both of her shoulders and threw her into the wall. His hot breath and saliva blowing across her face, and he yelled in a growly voice. When she tried to retreat and turn away, he slapped her on the back of the head, then her face, then threw her to the ground. She quickly scurried away and ran out of the house. He called over thirty times, then finally sent a text message to come home. When she returned home, he was at the kitchen table with tears in his eyes, “I’m sorry. . . I’m so sorry. . .. I’ll never hit you again. I swear. I was just so scared Ava! I thought something happened. I’ll never do it again. Please believe me. Don’t leave!” Ava embraced him and felt the warm tears on her shoulders and his body relax. By that evening they were both naked in bed, in a post coital cuddle. He fell asleep immediately. His soft snores filling the room. But Ava stayed awake. Uncertain of exactly what had transpired. She lied there, still, and quiet. 

One night, she had been busy at the church all day helping his mom set up the gathering hall at church for a women’s conference. When she got home at 8:00PM, he was seething. He used a closed fist and hit her in her right eye. It caused a laceration to her right eye brow with blood immediately trickling down her face. Ava became angry and starting fighting and striking back and him, even though he easily over powered her. He threw her on the ground, straddled her hips and wrapped his hands around her throat. The rage in his eyes and in his voice. 

“SAY YOUR SORRY!!” he screamed. Ava shook her head in defiance. Joel squeezed tighter. “SAY IT!” he growled at her. 

Ava’s straining words came out reluctantly, “I’m sorry.” 

Joel was not appeased. “SORRY FOR WHAT? TELL ME!” Ava closed her eyes. “

“I’m sorry I came home late.” she whispered, unable to make her vocalization more than a whisper. 

“You’re sorry for coming home late and for not having dinner ready.” Joel instructed. 

“Joel, I was with. . .”

“SAY IT!!” Joel growled. 

“I’m sorry I was late and not having dinner ready.” Ava replied. 

           He released his grip and dismounted her. She rolled over and coughed and caught her breath as he stormed out of the house. She went to the bathroom and sobbed as she cleaned her wound, a black eye forming underneath. She knew she wouldn’t be able to leave the house until it had healed.

           Two days later, Joel came home from work with a 12-week-old, golden retriever puppy with a red bow around his neck. She took him from Joel’s arms and tears came down from her eyes. They had talked about getting a puppy for several months. He licked her nose lightly and stared at her with his puppy dog eyes. She pulled him in and embraced him, kissing him lightly on his head. 

“Joel, he’s so sweet. Where’d you find him?”

“One of Danny’s dog’s had puppies. I’ve been waiting until they were big enough.”

Ava nodded. 

“Baby I’m sorry for the other night. I just get so crazy when I don’t know where you are. I worry about you. I had a long day. I was starving. I just wasn’t myself. Do you forgive me?”

Ava sighed and looked away. 

           “Ava, please don’t be mad at me. I’m sorry. I swear I... “

           “You’ll never hit me again? I’ve heard that before.” Ava interrupted. 

Joel looked down at his shoes, tears forming in his eyes. 

“Joel, we can’t keep doing this. We need counseling.” Ava said. 

“I know. I talked to Preacher yesterday. I told him everything. He wants us to go see him tomorrow.”

Ava agreed and they began seeing their pastor at church for marriage counseling. Although mostly nonproductive, Joel did admit to the violence at home. He cried and asked for forgiveness, which Ava gave. Tensions began lessening at home. They started planning a family. After a year of trying, they began seeing a fertility specialist. Ava began fertility treatments that included injections, hormone therapy, and even natural herbs from her mother to induce ovulation. When the fertility specialist suggested that Joel be evaluated for infertility, he became defensive. 

“Why do you think I’m the problem?” he said. 

“I don’t think you’re the problem Joel, but it’s been two years and we have not found any reason that Ava can’t get pregnant. The only other diagnostic procedure we can try is a laparoscopic procedure. I’d rather not do that yet because we may find that your sperm count is low or not motile enough.”

“Just do the surgery!” Joel barked. 

Dr. Jafri looked over at Ava, who sobbed with her head in her hands. 

“Ava, is that what you want?” Dr. Jafri asked. 

“I don’t know. I don’t know what I want right now.” Ava replied. 

Dr. Jafri nodded in understanding, then looked at Joel. 

“Joel, would you step out please? I’d like to perform one more examination on Ava before we proceed with the surgery.”

“Just do it now. It’s not like I haven’t seen everything.” Joel retorted. 

“I know it’s silly, it’s just standard procedure. Clinic policy.” Dr. Jafri replied. 

“Fine.” Joel said as he stamped out of the room. “I’ll be in the waiting room.”

Dr. Jafri watched as Joel went into the waiting area and motioned for her medical assistant to come to the door. 

“Jenny, if you see the guy with the curly hair come in, I want you to hit the panic button under the counter and run out of here. I’m going to the lock the exam room door.” She spoke. 

“Oh ok, you think he’s. . .” Jenny started. 

“I’m not sure but I need to find out. I don’t have a good feeling.” Dr. Jafri said. 

Dr. Jafri entered back into the room. She moved her chair to sit directly in front of Ava. She gently lifted her chin and asked her to look at her. 

“Ava, I need to ask you something and I need you to be honest, ok?” She started.

“OK.” Ava replied. 

“Do you feel safe at home?”

                                                           *****

“Mom, did you hear me?” Ava finally said. 

“Yes honey. I heard you.” her mother said.

“So, can we stay a few days?” Ava said. 

“Yes, honey you can stay a few days, but you need to pray about this. No matter what happens, he is your husband, and you need to work things out. If he asks for you, I won’t lie to him”, Her mother said. 

“Mom, he beats me. You heard that right?” Ava said.

“Yes, I heard Ava. Maybe you two should try counseling. Have you talked to Preacher?” her mother replied. 

Ava hung up the phone, panicking. 

“Everything squared away?” Dr. Jafri said.

“Yeah, thank you so much. I just need to get home to let me dog out then I’ll head over to my mom’s” Ava said. 

“Great! I’m going to check on you tomorrow. You let me know if you need anything.” she replied. 

“Thank you so much. For everything.” Ava said. 

She knew that Joel’s Dad would bail him out and he’d be home that day. She parked the car with the rear facing the house and opened the back of her Rav 4. She grabbed miscellaneous the necessary items and filled her car. She placed the book tub on the floor of the driver seat. She placed Cooper’s leash and harness on him then led him to the passenger’s seat. He sat up excitedly, thinking he was going on a hike or camping. She pulled out her passport and birth certificate from the gun safe. As she did, she stared at the pistol on the top shelf. She thought for a moment, then grabbed it, along with the three full magazines sitting next to it. Then she grabbed the pistol, it’s holster, and the magazines. She walked back to her running vehicle and placed her birth certificate, passport, gun, and cash in the glove compartment. She put her wallet in the center console. She looked at her cell phone, thought for a moment, then took it inside and placed it on the table.

           Ava drove for eight hours and made it to Gallup, New Mexico at 8 PM. She stopped by a Walmart. She pulled two hundred dollars out of the glove compartment. She put the windows down in her car for Cooper and locked the door before she exited. “I’ll be back buddy.” she told him. The cool breeze danced across her cheek as she made her way inside the store. She went inside to use the restroom. She remembered that Walmart had prepaid phones and went to the electronics section to buy one. She hurried and purchased the phone to get back to her car. She smelled fast food and saw that there was a McDonald’s inside. She hadn’t eaten all day. Neither had cooper. She walked over to the register and ordered her phone. The smell of the French fries and hamburgers frying sent her stomach into a nauseating hunger. 

           “Hello. Can I have two quarter pounders with cheese. . .” 

           “The meal or just the sandwich?” interrupted the cashier.

           “The meal please.” Ava said. 

           “What to drink?” The cashier asked.

           “A large coke please.” Ava replied.

           “That’s two meals, do you want another drink?” the cashier asked. 

           Feeling her blood sugar continue to plumet and her patience wane, Ava said curtly, 

           “Yes, that’s fine.” 

           “Anything else?” the cashier asked. Ava thought for a moment. 

           “Can I get two small cheese burgers, plain, nothing on them, and a small fry?”

           “Just one fry?” the cashier asked. 

           “Just one, thank you.” Ava said, desperately trying to maintain her composure. 

           Ava took her items back to the car and sat in the driver’s seat. She took out the two plain hamburgers and inspected them to ensure there was nothing on them. She unwrapped one and pretended to put it in her mouth as she looked over at Cooper. 

           “What? Are you hungry?” She teased. Cooper wiggled impatiently and whined. “Ok, here. . . gentle!” she said as she broke the hamburger in pieces and fed it to him. She repeated the task with the second plain cheese burger and small fries. She felt guilty giving him fast food but was exhausted. She didn’t want to fish out his tub of food. When he was finished, she poured water into a portable silicone bowl and let him drink until he was satisfied and laid his head down sleepily. 

           Ava unwrapped her hamburgers and ate them and the fries greedily. She gulped the soda down between bites. When she was satisfied, she realized she didn’t want the second coke. She sat for a minute. Satisfied with a full belly. She pets Cooper on the head in and exited the car to enter her bed in the back seat for the evening. She took a lantern from the top of the car and turned it on before entering. She sat with the car door open, taking off her shoes. She pulled out a pair of socks, sweat pants, and a long sleeve shirt from one of the tubs and put them on over her clothes. She’d been cold she since arrived but was too lazy to put on warmer clothes. She took out a knitted beanie from the same tub and placed it on her head. She placed her shoes on top of the tub and settled into the sleeping bag she set up. She reached for her new Boost Mobile phone and began the process of setting it up. She prepaid for a month of unlimited service. She went through the process of adding applications and customizing her settings. She hesitated for a moment, then called the voicemail for her phone at home. She heard the automated messaging asking to enter her pin. She entered her birth date. 0908. “You have 20 unheard messages.” Her heart sank. The first message played. 

“Ava, honey, it’s Mom. I don’t know where you are. We’re all worried sick. Please call me. Let me know where you are. I love you.” 

           She waited for the next message, suddenly feeling the gravity of the situation. 

“Honey it’s Mom again. I need you to call me right away. Something tribble’s happened. Please call me and let me know you’re ok.”

           She listened through the next few messages. Most of which were from her mom. One was from her father. One from her brother. There were some from ladies at church and even the Pastor called her. She was nearing the end of the messages when she heard an unfamiliar voice. 

           “Mrs. West, my name is Trooper Allen from Colorado State Patrol. I need you to call me back immediately. It’s regarding your husband and father-in-law. I understand you charged your husband with domestic violence earlier and may be in hiding. I can assure you that I will not make your whereabouts known. Please call me. It is urgent. My phone number is 719-304-4376. That is my direct line. Thank you. 

            She felt numb. A State Trooper? She’d spoken with police officers earlier and gave them a signed, formal statement. What would a State Trooper want? Ava thought for a moment and had a sudden and violent realization. She opened the car door and leaned out just in time to vomit on the pavement. Her stomach heaved and tumbled. She moaned at the end of each wave of nausea. After several episodes, she laid back down on the mat on sobbed. Cooper became restless and walked over the console to try to get to her, but there was no room.

           “Cooper, it’s ok buddy. Mama’s ok. Stay there.” Ava said. 

           After a few minutes, Ava collected herself. She played the last voicemail over again and collected the number from the state trooper. With trembling hands, she began dialing the number. The dial tone began and rang for several minutes. She started to end the call when she heard movement in the ear phone. 

“Trooper Allen.” the man stated. 

“Hello,” Ava said in a cracking voice, “This is Ava West. I missed a phone call from you.”