Guilty Suicide

When I met her it was like any other school day, just a little different now that she arrived. She entered the classroom with a pasted smile. She introduced herself and dropped her things in the chair right next to me. Days after that we began to talk, if only I had pushed more about the scars on her arm. If only I pushed for more information on her father. I wish I could see her again. It has only been a few weeks since she took her life. I don’t know why she thought the best way out of her situation was killing herself. I just hope she’s happy with her choice. 

I don't think I can take this pain anymore, seeing the same white walls every day makes me nauseous, the white lights don’t help either. The bags under my eyes weigh 15 pounds. I can't sleep, can’t eat. I haven’t said a word to my parents, my little sister is dying to see me but I can’t let her see me like this. She deserves a good sister, just like Ana deserved a good father. 

Ana’s mother was a stripper, always bringing home a new man. Eventually Ana's mom found “The One” and quit stripping. This is where Ana’s step-father comes into the picture. This twisted bastard touched Ana and her mom. Her mom consented, Ana did whatever she could to keep her mom happy. The old hag was cheating on him anyway. How could I not see it before, now I can’t unsee it. I know this is really messed up, but sometimes I wish I never met Ana. Just so that I didn’t have to deal with this guilt eating me alive. 

It’s been three months since her death and I still feel as guilty as I did before. Maybe I should die just to see her face again. So I could ask her to forgive me. Now it’s my turn to go, I apologize to my little sister, and to my parents. I wish they wouldn’t have to see me like this. Life would just be so much better if I was gone. 

I can't wait until I get home so I go into the boys bathroom so that the girls won't tell. I grab my pocket knife and head into the bathroom. “Woah what are you doing?!”, a boy exclaims, I ignore him and shakily put the knife to my wrists. Someone grabs the knife from me and throws it. I leap for it but the boy grabs me from behind and pulls me to the ground. I struggle and kick and scream but he doesn't budge. Eventually I just cry, the way he’s holding me is like a hug. I’ve needed one all this time. I press my face into my hands and sob. How could I have thought such a selfish thought. To kill myself so that others could pity the guilt I was feeling. I notice that the boy behind me hugs me tighter. “Thank you.”, I mutter. “No problem”.

The police drove me to the mental hospital and the boy who hugged me was in the police car right behind me. I don't know what he told the principal, he should be coming here too. 

The robes are oversized and baggy, but this isn’t a luxury hotel, it’s a mental hospital. I’ve been asked the same questions over and over again. I practically know what I say every time by heart. I just want to go home and eat some actually good food.

 The boy that helped me hasn’t talked to me ever since we got here. I wouldn’t want to talk to me either. “Hey.”, he says, I jump and point a finger at myself. “Yes. you. I didn’t quite catch your name the other day.”, I sat down at the table he’s at. “I'm Jade.”, I say sheepishly, “That's a very pretty name. I’m Damian.”, He avoids eye contact and it makes me worried. 

“Well why are you here Damian?”, that when he looks up at me, 

“I- I just wanted to make sure you were okay so I lied.  I know it sounds creepy but  I just lost my sister and I don't think I can afford to lose someone else I could have saved.”, he says everything very quickly so I could quite catch anything, 

“Wait, sister?”I ask and he nods. “Was you sister Ana Jacobs?”, he hesitates a bit before he nods. I don't think I should tell him that I’m here because of her too so I just keep my mouth shut. “I- I’m sorry for your loss.”, He looks like he’s about to cry. I want to give him a hug but I don't know if it’s allowed. “When we get outta here do you want to hang out. I’m not trying to flirt or anything, I just dont think it's good for either of us to be alone right now.”. He looks at me and smiles. I wish I didn’t like him but I do, I really do. 

That night I got to my room and lay on the bed wide awake. I don't know why but I think Ana died so that he and I could be together. I'm such a brat sometimes but I’m happy for the first time in a while. 

When I escape the mental prison I immediately make it my priority to make up my absence to my sister. Damian, Jasmine, and I go get Ice cream from a store by the beach. I sent Jasmine back with mom and dad so I could talk with Damian. “Your sister is adorable. Especially when she asked if I was your husband.”. I stop and look at him, he laughs and his laughter fills my heart with joy. I don't think I will ever forget the day he saved me from a grave mistake. I won't ever forget Ana and the love I felt for her. I won't ever forget the face of the bastard that made almost all of us commit a guilty scuicide.