Thinking Out Loud

“I love you.”

“No, you don't, and you shouldn't say things that aren’t true.”

“Maybe, but I really want to love you. I’ve heard it's healthy to try.”

“I don't need you to love me, I don’t need love or anything else from you. You've done nothing, but hold me back.”

“I didn't do that.”

“Of course you did!”

“If so, I was just trying to keep you safe, keep you from getting hurt.”

“It happened anyway.”

“I know.”

“Why are you even here? This seems like a huge waste of time to me.”

“It's not a waste, although I suppose I don’t put much value on my time.”

“You should just go away. I don’t think I’ll ever love you, I can't give you something that you don't deserve.”

“I understand, loving is hard”

“I've always been bad at it, my whole life.”

“What about when you were three? You found that starving little kitten under a bridge while out with mom and had an absolutely hellish tantrum that wouldn't end until she took it in. You raised that cat for thirteen years. Do you think you loved her badly?”

“She still died.”

“Everything dies. We’re all just swirling in a big toilet bowl, waiting for the big flush.”

“Ha! I remember when mom used to say that.”

“She was a funny lady. Funny and wise.”

“Yeah, she was. I wonder what she thought about when she got flushed.”

“I bet she was hoping she didn't clog any celestial pipes!”

“Haha!”

“…I loved my mom a lot.”

“I know you did. You've loved a lot of people in your life.”

“I still don’t love you.”

“I know that too, and that’s alright.”

“I hope Tom knows I love him, I should've told him more often. He’s a good kid, better than I could ever be.”

“He’ll be graduating in a few months?”

“That's right, I've already made sure he has everything he needs. I never had a prayer of getting into college, but he's got a full ride.”

“It's a comforting thought, him living a better life?”

“Of course, all I ever wanted was for him to get out of this town, he's too smart for it.”

“And get away from you?”

“…maybe it's for the best.”

“Remember the time he stole your journal and covered all the pages in dinosaur stickers? You were furious because you thought he was trying to snoop through your writing, but he just wanted to give you his stickers.”

“He cried so hard after that…I remember him being so scared of me.”

“He was, but he perked right up after you played computer games with him for twelve hours the next day.”

“I should've done that more often.”

“You still can.”

“I don’t know…”

“If you find yourself thinking about someone this much, maybe you should go spend time with them.”

“He’s got enough on his plate, he doesn't need me anymore.”

“He didn't need to play computer games that day. He didn't need to give you his favorite stickers.”

“Dealing with me would just be a burden.”

“Was he ever a burden to you?”

“What? No, of course not!”

“When your mom finally found herself getting flushed, I think what she actually thought about was you. She loved you and your brother more than anything.”

“Shut up.”

“She’d be so proud of all you've accomplis..”

“SHUT UP!... Just shut up ok? I hate you so much for this. Why are you doing this to me right now? Do you think I actually want to hear any of this crap?”

“I’m not telling you what you want to hear, I’m forcing you to listen to what you know to be true, whether it fits your self-imposed narrative or not.”

“I’ve hurt everyone in my life.”

“No, you have not, and even when your loved ones do get hurt as a result of your actions, it has never stopped them from loving you.”

“I can't even think of a relationship I haven't ruined. Everyone who comes across me is worse off for it.”

“I know that you know that's an insane statement. Did you run the life of that Starbucks barista last week when you dared speak to her about your iced coffee? No, of course not. You’re in pain and it's getting so unbearable that you've started projecting onto the people around you.”

“I don’t feel like anyone loves me.”

“Do you think that maybe you feel that way because you won't allow yourself to feel loved, and not because they've stopped loving you?”

“Maybe. I don’t know. I just want all of it to stop.”

“I understand.”

“You say that buts it's your fault in the first place.”

“I remember being there when you were three, of course, I was just a child myself, but I remember feeling the warmth of your purring kitten and the loving hands of your mom. I remember the sticky fingernails from peeling t-rexes off your beach girl journal through swimming eyes. And if I try, I can recall the smell of chili on the stove, ready to eat after a long day of computer games.”

“I remember all those things too, but I also remember you. My childhood tantrums, my angry outbursts at my own family, the way I can’t even understand my own brain! All of that is you!”

“That’s true.”

“You ruined everything I could've had!”

“I am everything you said, but I’m also the part of you that bottle-fed your aging cat as it lost control of its bowls. I’m your patience and your dedication to raising Tom after the death of your mother. You worked three jobs to keep the power on last year because of me.”

“You’re giving yourself way too much credit.”

“We may never love each other, but we could never survive without each other and you know that.”

“I would be fine without you.”

“I’m the reason we've been having this conversation for thirty minutes instead of jumping off this roof.”

“Oh yeah… that's right.”