Magic Swords and Dead Monsters

My name is Jasper Miles and if you’re reading this message, then I am dead. Or, at least, you think I am.

There you sit now, in the first row. The harsh lighting doesn’t seem right in a space like this. It casts long shadows and attacks the skin of the living. You all look like monsters. A crazy thing, that.

That isn’t me calling you a monster, Ma, I promise. No, in truth, you’re a victim. You’ve worked harder than any human ever has for a pittance and the cruel words of your loved ones whispered behind your back. I’m sorry they treat you like that, Ma. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure those monsters get what’s coming to them.

I’m sorry that I’m writing this at my own funeral. I’m sorry I haven’t done it before now. Things have been crazy, you see, but now I simply cannot wait any longer. It’s not right.

I’ll come back to that in a second, but first I just want to put it out there that I’m really hoping that I’ve hidden this note in a good place. I’m aiming for somewhere only you’ll look and I think I have somewhere in mind, but will you even find it in time? Will you get to experience this too?

I suppose I can only hope. Good things come to those who wait, as you say, and you’ve waited long enough.

So let me tell you the story of how we got here. Let me tell you why we’re both attending my funeral and how your life is about to change, so long as you read this letter.

But as you’re reading this, you need to remember one thing, Ma: I love you and you deserve this. Just keep that in mind; I know I sure did.

It started just over a month ago. I was out with the boys – Mikey and John, actually – and we were at this bar. I don’t want to tell you which one, I think you might be disappointed in me if I did, but the lights were dim and the music was loud and maybe I’d had a few too many drinks.

Anyway, at some point I had split off from the boys and I was outside. I know you tell me not to walk through the back alleyways, but let’s save the scolding for later, we have other things to focus on for now. I was back there (taking a leak, I know I’m better than that) and there was this light coming from behind one of the dumpsters. It was crazy and blue and there was this hum to it. Like the light was calling out for me. I think it was, actually.

So, I went over to it and it was coming from this fancy looking sword. I know, a whole ass sword just glowing in the middle of the city. Don’t worry, I hadn’t taken anything, it was real, I promise.

Anyway, I picked it up, naturally, and then, suddenly, I wasn’t in that alley anymore. I was in a library.

It sounds crazy, I know. I didn’t black out or anything, I promise I wasn’t that drunk. I just…moved. I think the sword wanted me to move so it moved me. I don’t know, I know it sounds crazy, just trust me on this one.

In this library, I met with…well, the Librarian. She’s this spikey little thing. Dead beautiful and bloody scary. She kind of reminds me of a pissed off version of Miss Honey from Matilda…I think you get the picture. Well, we got to talking and there’s some crazy things going on in the London, it turns out. Things like…well, like magic.

I know, again, I sound crazy, just trust me, Ma, you gotta keep trusting me cause I’ve got a point to make here.

Turns out that the sword I found was the Sword of Life. Apparently, some old wizard a gazillion years ago enchanted it to find only the most worthy so they can battle a great evil, or something? The Librarian is better at explaining it, I’ll let her do that when you meet her. Long story short, though, it’s a bloody cool sword and it chose me! Who would have thought. Me. Chosen by a magical sword…

And then, I had to go on a quest. An honest to God quest, Ma! Sorry, I’m getting too excited. The Librarian tells me that I need to calm down, but you should have seen me, Ma!

There were these monsters hiding out in Watford – bloody Watford, Ma, right there on Denmark street, right in plane sight! And they were bloody ugly things too. Think of a werewolf and cross it with a Pokémon (any one will do) and then add slime. Bloody awful. And the slim wasn’t just normal gross slim, it stung if it touched ya. Hurt bloody bad when one of the things tackled me. I had slime everywhere. But don’t worry! I’m alright, I promise.

I dealt with them right quick and then went back to the library. Turns out those…things were infecting people right there on Denmark street and turning humans like us into monsters like them. Well, not anymore. I shut those bastards right up.

Apparently, that was some sort of initiation quest though. The sword and the library have big ideas for me and the world, or, well London at least, needs saving. I’m a saviour, Ma. Little old me, London’s Saviour.

Anyway, they told me that I had to leave everything in my old life behind. Being a superhero is like that, I guess. I refused at first. I couldn’t just leave behind everything I know and love. I can’t leave behind Mikey, his missus is about to pop any second, I had to at least meet the baby. And John’s really going through it right now, he got let off and he’s just in a really bad place. I didn’t want to leave him behind, he’d just get worse, I think.

And then there was you. No way I could leave you behind. You’re a strong woman but…well, what about me? What if I get into some trouble and I don’t know how to get out? Who’ll be there with a cuppa and hug? Who’ll be there to tell me I’m being a git? And I know you, Ma, you’re strong but I don’t know if you could handle losing me.

A mother should never have to see their child pass before them.

I’m sorry that I put you through that. I’m writing this now at my own funeral and you haven’t stopped crying. I thought you would’ve run out of tears by now. I’m really sorry I put you through that, Ma…

Sorry, I’m getting ahead of myself.

Anyway, they told me that I had to leave everything behind and I thought really long and hard about it. Much longer that I usually would, I think, cause I didn’t have you to help me through it. But I made up my mind, as you well know by now.

I told them, I said, ‘If I’m leaving everything I know and love behind, I’m at least bringing me Ma with me!’

And that’s not just cause I’ll miss ya, you know. You’ve had a long and hard life mum. You act like it doesn’t get to you, but I can see that it does. You never sleep; you barely eat. Sometimes, when you think I’m not looking, you put down that wall you hold up and it almost looks like you’re on your way out…

So, no, I told them that if I get a new life, so do you. So, no more dealing with Aunt Kathy being a twat, or that asshole boss of yours working you to the bone.

Truth is, Ma, I’m a man now. You’ve spent so long looking after me, it’s time to let me start looking after you. Give you the life I know you deserve, even if you don’t.

Anyway, I guess this is all to say that I’m alive and well. I know my funeral was a bit of a drag and I’m sorry again that I put you through it. I’ll be over by Hilly Fields, were you used to take me as a boy. I don’t know when you’ll find this, if you even will at all, so I’ll be there for a long while I think. Waiting for you.

It’s time for a better life now, Mum. And it’s up to me to give you that, one magic sword and dead monster at a time.