The Ghost of Lady Moon

It was darker than usual, in the abyss I’d called home for the last while. There was a certain kind of chill crawling through my bones, as though mites were nipping at my marrow. Fluidly, I gave myself a hug to keep warm. Everything moved at a glacial pace, being pinned down by the titanic weight of an entire ocean. 

“I could go for a nice gelatinous jellyfish snack right about now.” Cooper’s paddle-shaped flippers swayed up and down like a seagull flapping its wings in slow motion. 

Sighing, I blew out bubbles. My stomach felt like it had been scooped out with a melon baller, yet I wasn’t hungry in the least.

“Ok, my friend,” I started pushing water behind me with the length of my arms as I propelled towards him, “Let’s go find you some grub.”

My feet floating upwards, I gripped the edge of Cooper’s shell. We glided further into the void. It had been three long years, but traveling via leatherback turtle still managed to slow my heart rate down to a healthier pace. 

“Jane,” I couldn’t see Cooper’s face, but judging by the candidness in his gravelly voice, I knew he was about to real talk me, “You know… he’s probably never coming back.”

My abdomen tensed. I didn’t need a wise old sea turtle to tell me the hard truth—I knew Peter was gone for good—but I gnawed at the inside of my cheeks all the same. Acceptance is like standing in front of a sinister, cloaked figure, and being expected to give it a hug. 

****

The day I met Peter, I was leaning back on my forearms with my toes in the sand. Squinting in the sun, the wind was just choppy enough that I couldn’t seem to get my hair off my face. Afternoons of ice cold Coronas with an acidic wedge of lime shoved into it were over; it wasn’t beach weather, it was sweater weather. But I was restless that day. No matter how much I scrolled on my phone, picked at my nails, or ate random mouthfuls of potato chips and cashews, I couldn’t escape the tightness in my chest. Hell, I don’t even think posting a hot selfie on social media could have shaken my mood. Coughing lightly, I put my phone away and set off to the shore. Being oceanside always made me feel… connected to something. 

“Nice day.” I first heard his voice over the thunder of waves crashing at the shoreline. 

I turned to find him standing a few meters away with a trench coat draped over his shoulders. His hands comfortably tucked into his pockets, he was strikingly handsome in an approachable way. His thick mop of hair was unkempt yet charming. The kindness in his gaze was deep and chocolatey and sincere, with a drooping kind of sadness that I wish I hadn’t ignored. 

I sat up. “Yeah, not bad for early October.” 

My stomach fluttered as he flashed me a smile so sweet it gave me a toothache. I extended my hand. “I’m Jane.”

He approached and reciprocated. His grip was firm and masculine. “Peter.”

And when our skin first fused, that’s when our journey to the watery deep began. 

In the early days, Peter brought a rush of adrenaline to my life greater than the most triumphant rollercoaster. The way he made me keel over laughing brought on an enjoyable kind of pain. His attentive nature turned my sorrows and fears into helium, lifting them away towards the heavens. 

“Peter. This is so thoughtful of you.” 

The bracelet he got me was simple yet personal; a string of moonstones that hugged my wrist perfectly. His face lit up in adoration as I slipped it on. “I know how much you love the moon. Now you can carry it with you wherever you go.” 

My shoulders dropped as I welled up. “Thank you so much.”

I leaned into him. We kissed, on the very same beach that had first brought us together. 

As a receding wave pulled back pebbles like raindrops firing down on cement, my nausea was exhilarating.

Fuck. I’m in love. 

****

“Oooh. I think I see my lunch up ahead.” If Cooper had been capable of going any faster (being the forty-year-old turtle he was), having food in sight would have done it. 

As we meandered ahead in suspended motion, I climbed off his mighty shell. Cooper rotated towards me, his textured, wrinkly skin telling so many stories of his long, well-lived life under the sea.

“Hey. Talk to me.” His beak-like mouth was gentle as he spoke.

The acid burned in my guts, like a hot wrench twisting my intestine. “You know… I do think about leaving this place sometimes. It’s just.. I guess… ya, the glimmer of hope that he’ll come back. But…” I choked up, “I made some really incredible friends down here.”

Cooper’s round, curious eyes glistened. “Hey. If ever you do decide to get outta here, I’ll really miss you, too.” 

I swallowed the lump in my throat. “K.. jellyfish time.”

“Jellyfish time.”

I latched back onto Cooper’s shell once more, and off we went. 

****

I linked my arm into Peter’s, clasping my fingers in his. The iridescent moon was full—minus a sliver—hanging in quiet power. Its reflection shimmered on the midnight ocean, like a runway of diamonds against onyx. The splattering of stars looked like an illuminated, big city skyline. 

Nestling my cheek into Peter’s wool sweater, a soft gasp escaped my lips as the scene before us played out. “People are all about those sunsets, but don’t underestimate a moonrise.”

“Mmmm,” Peter’s voice was like the pluck of a bass string, “No one knows this better than you, my lady moon.”

Savoring his confectionery of words, my lips turned inward as I tried not to gag from my own glee.

Loosening his grip from mine, Peter stood up. I tilted my head as I watched him approach the line of the ocean meeting land. “Where ya goin?”

Peter was filled with childlike wonder—I’d never noticed the dimple in his left cheek before—as he extended his hand out to me.

“I want to show you a special place. Down there.” Peter motioned his head towards the open waters.

Huh?

I couldn’t help but chuckle. 

“Like…down there as in…underwater? Who are you, King Triton?”

Peter's eyes widened as he raised his eyebrows, “Come on.”

My mouth went agape with my tongue pressed on the roof of my mouth. Shaking off the tightness in my forehead, I jumped up and joined Peter. Caressing my hand, he led me in the ocean.

“Aaah!” I jumped back as the water stabbed my shins with pins and needles, “This must be like sixty degrees!”

“Trust me,” Peter’s laugh was playful, “It’ll get better shortly. We just have to keep following the moonlight.”

And we did. Together, we walked into the moon’s sparkling conveyor belt.

We pushed against the incoming current, deeper and deeper; chest deep. My teeth chattered as the surf crashed in my face, saturating my mouth with salt. My blood pounded against my vessel walls. 

“Peter!”

His hair glued to his forehead like a wet mop, Peter’s pupils were the tiniest apertures as he looked at me. His grip tightening, I swore my fingers would snap from the cold. He let out a long exhale. “Here we go.”

Before I had a chance to respond, I was pulled into the underwater chaos. Tumbling and turning, I didn’t know which way was up or down. The bubbling silence screamed in my ears. I thought I might scream as well, until….

I inhaled sharply as I woke. My insides churned. I was weightless. I couldn’t breathe, either, but I oddly didn’t have to. Completely disoriented, my confusion was soon replaced by electricity igniting my cells. I could feel my entire face widen at the sights before me.

Coral reef in pinks and blues and yellows and purples. Fish of every size; thousands of them, buzzing around like gemstones. Ultraviolet jellyfish, contracting and expanding as they moved up, up, up like hot air balloons. The light of the moon pierced through the watery molecules, shining a cone-shaped beam onto this mystical setting.

Just then, Peter appeared, joyfully barrel rolling towards me like an otter in outer space. “Ha, ha! Isn’t this spectacular?!”

Flutter kicking towards him, I can only imagine the dumb, watermelon slice of a grin I had from ear to ear. “This is incredible!” 

In the kaleidoscope of colors that held us, we kissed, buoyant and high on dopamine and serotonin. 

****

My chin resting on my fist, I watched Cooper lick his chops. My shoulders went up and down a few times—is that an inner laugh!?—yearning for a life as simple as his.

“Coops… do you remember when we first met?”

Turning away from his long vanished meal, his little nostrils flared. “Kiddo, how could I ever forget?”

****

Peter and I had been in our underwater world for over a year when Cooper first came drifting by. 

“Well, well, well. As I live and breathe if it isn’t Mr. Peter,” Cooper’s voice was both soothing and humorous, “And who is this lovely lady?”

Peter flashed his pearly whites—I hadn’t seen him smile like that in a long while—as he frog kicked his way over to this giant turtle. They “high-fived”, hand to flipper.

“Cooper. This is Jane. Jane, Cooper…one of my oldest friends.”

Cooper’s face squished, as though he’d bitten into a lemon, “Who are you calling old? Just kidding. I’m as old as it gets.”

His quirky presence was refreshing. It also left me feeling a bit hollow, watching Peter turn on the charisma for someone else. Things between us had not been as multicolored as they once were.

“What do you mean, you don’t want to go with me? Peter, we’ve been together for over a year.” I could feel my heartbeat in my head that day. 

“I need to do vacations and that kind of thing on my own. You know that. I told you that when we first met.” His face was as slate as the mountainous ocean range behind him. 

The weeks leading up to that revelation had been like a fever dream of gifts and dinners and laughter and the best sex imaginable. We’d been so consumed by the thrill of each moment, and of each other. It’s when I began discussing the future that the embers in Peter were extinguished into a pile of coals. The coral reefs we’d long danced around were dulled in color, too. Peter kept pulling away like this, on and off. The more he did, the more desperate I was to cling on. 

“It’s really nice to meet you, Jane,” Cooper’s earnest tone snapped me out of my ruminating, and back to the present. 

I was going to force a happy front, but Cooper’s dino demeanor brought it out of me naturally. “It’s really nice to meet you, too, Cooper.”

That turtle would then become my greatest companion and confidante as mine and Peter’s relationship continued to crumble, brick by brick. 

****

Hovering over the vast, monochromatic ocean sediments, Cooper and I were continuing along our usual ocean floor joy ride (maybe, minus the joy for me). Caressing his shell, warmth flooded my body; Cooper had been holding such genuine space for me, even though I had been at my worst for quite some time. 

That’s when I perked up. A small object came to my attention, far in the clearing. 

“Cooper. Over there.”

His head scanned left to right. “Over where?”

I climbed off his shell and started swimming aggressively. The goosebumps crept all over my skin. I knew exactly what I was approaching…

The moonstone bracelet from Peter. 

****

Stomach acid was burning so far up my esophagus I could almost taste the sourness in my mouth. I had bitten all my nails down to the quick. My left eyelid had an incessant twitch. When you intuitively know you’re approaching some kind of impending doom, your body keeps score. 

The last year and a half had involved a lot of tightrope walking, so to speak. I had completely abandoned myself in an effort to salvage my relationship with Peter. And well, if you’re trying to balance a sharpened pencil on a triangle point, it’s not going to stand tall for very long. 

Some days were fantastical. “I really do have eyes for you, Jane.”

While others had me questioning his fidelity…as well as my sanity. “You always toss me aside whenever there’s another woman around. Are you embarrassed to be with me?”

“What are you even talking about? You always get like this.” His words were laced in venom, this man who had once pegged me his lady moon. 

The brutal downfall of my relationship with Peter excavated demons in me that I didn’t even know were laying dormant. My veneer of confidence had long cracked and fallen to pieces all over the same ominous ocean floor where he’d eventually abandon me for good. 

The morning I woke up to Peter gone was the terror of losing a loved one to death itself. It was like free falling off a cliff with nothing to latch onto. As Cooper held me with such care between his paddles, I was purged of grief and anger and sadness. I took off Peter’s fucking bracelet he got me and tossed it away, and laid close into my friend for awhile longer.

****

I was surprised at the softness that came over me as I examined the tarnished bracelet cradled in both my hands. It looked lifeless, this thing that had once nearly exploded me into confetti all over the beach. 

The beach. 

I looked up at the density of darkness above me. Closing my eyes, I saw a flash of Peter, the day he surprised me with this gift. That’s all I had left of him: flashes. Furrowing my brow, I felt the toasty sun on my cheeks. I heard the waves lapping the shore. The grittiness of sand between my toes. My awe of the moon. 

I looked back down at the tarnished bracelet, a grounded panic overcoming me. 

I’m ready now. 

“Hey,” Cooper’s voice was shaky, “I’ll help you get back up there.” 

Tearing up, I looked up at him and nodded. “What will I ever do without you?”

My friend placed my tired face between his gentle flippers. “You’re gonna live again.”

****

I gasped like a wild animal being born as I penetrated through the water’s surface. With the help of the incoming tide, I pushed my weak body back to shore. The sun was gloriously painful against my neglected skin. With quaking knees, I walked safely back to land. As soon my feet touched the dry portion of sand, I fell, wailing as I cracked open. It was euphoric, watching the mesmerizing amount of light that radiated out of me. 

****

Five whole years have gone by. Life has been good. It’s been kind of boring in a way, too. But the older I get, I genuinely appreciate the enjoyment of nothing. 

I still visit that same beach from time to time. Sometimes for the smell of salty air. Sometimes, to scratch the itch of nostalgia. I’m not sure why I’m here today. 

I toss off my flip flops and stand at the water’s edge. I like when the waves break against my ankles. The ocean’s a lot warmer than the night Peter dragged me in there, too, which is nice.

Dragged. Who am I kidding? I would have gone anywhere with that guy.

The seagulls are being ridiculous overhead with their squawking, yet they bring me comfort. I like that the beach is always a bit different, depending on the time of day. Yet all the usual suspects are always here; even Peter. His physical presence has long been absent from my life, but I’m pretty sure his ghost may always walk this beach. 

It’s been good for my health—mental, physical and emotional—to be back here on land. When you’re boxed in by grief, you kind of forget that there is so much life happening outside of it. It’s been nice up in the sunshine, sometimes. I’m not sure I’ll ever meet a friend like Cooper, though. 

I must admit this sinking feeling. A part of me may always miss the galaxies of colors that only Peter conjured up for me. When it was good, no one made me dance with life quite like he did. My shoulders slump, wondering if he ever thinks of me as well. But I’m pretty sure my ghost lingers with him, too, wherever he is. I may be gone from his life, but the moon will circle the sky forever. 

I pick up my flip flops, clapping off the sand. I slip them on and head back towards the glassy beach grass. 

Just before going over the crest and into the dune, I glance back at the ocean. I forgave Peter a long time ago, yet a certain kind of sadness always flickers within me, like a candle at the end of its wick. I can’t help but wonder if one day, he’ll face his murky waters and finally join the rest of us, up here in the sun.

I head to my car and get in. I made a grocery list of a few things I need to pick up. I turn the keys in the ignition, and drive away. 

I decided to return to the beach later that night, to look at the moon.