Vomit

When you see us two—me (Zoey), and Marlee,  rolling outside the gas station, licking our cherry and orange popsicles as they melt down our arms, your first thought is something like: 

“What a couple of nice, young girls!” 

You see our lips darkened from the dyes of the artificial flavourings.  You see our skinny legs extending out from our short-shorts, and we look a lot taller than we actually are on our roller-skates. 

You see the smiles, innocent as butterflies, the big bright eyes, wide as daises.  You see the sun kissed skin, smooth as an infant’s and the long locks of hair shinning in the sunlight, waving back and forth as we roll around the station lot, laughing between each lick. 

What you don’t see is the stuffing in our training bras, or the cigarettes in our crossbody handbags. 

Nor do you hear the teasing between us. The dirty words we use, talking about eachother and other girls; allegedly friends of ours.

Like, Michelle ahem, I mean, ‘Slut’

Or Tanya the 'Pizza face',

Phoebe the 'Butter face',

Shawna, the “ Dirty Skank”,

Carly, the “Fat Fucking Bitch” 

“I swear Zo...” 

Says Marlee

“Handjobs are disgusting.”

This is juicy. This is interesting.  This makes my blood run. 

I’m tired of everything else. I’m tired of all those fake little bitches at dance class. I’m tired of PG-13 movies. 

“You know Morgan?”

I nod, tossing my sticky popsicle stick onto the roasting pavement. The flies immediately begin to hover around it. 

“Yeah so, the last day of school right? Guy never spoke a word to me, Zo, not one stinking word!”

“Suddenly he’s walking beside me all the way home. At some point I’m like: 'Do you even live around here?' The kid is like stalking me, Zo!"

" Anyway... He tells me I gotta nice ass. Next thing I know? He’s grabbing it. It felt good. I really liked it....” 

Her eyes roll back as if she’s in a dream. 

An ice cream truck rolls by. 

A bicycle bell rings 

A yappy dog barks. 

A sprinkler is spraying: Spritz Spritz Spritz--SSSPPPPRRRIIITTTZZ

“So I’m like: 'Morgan, I’m not that easy.' ”

She continues.

“He looked at me and was like: 'Ff course not.' He took his hand away and we kept walking, not saying anything for a couple minutes. Without even knowing what I’m doing I took his hand and led him to the side of someone’s house. I didn’t know whose it was but I’m pretty sure it was Stacey Gorlick’s. You know with the braces? Yeah, that metal-mouthed twat.”

“Anyway, I take him up against the wall.  Grab his hands. I place them on my tits. Then the look on his face, Zo? Hysterical!”

I find myself laughing as I imagine Morgan’s stupid face. 

Morgan was a mouth breathing moron with droopy brown eyes that made him look like he was comatose or something. I had to admit though, he wasn’t ugly, matter of fact, he was quite handsome, ‘Cept that he looked half retarded all the time. 

“So then what?”

I ask, the words spilling out my mouth eagerly. 

“Well, we tongued abit. But you know how his mouth is, right Zo? It’s all big and open like a dogs. I swear it’s worse. I’d have been better off kissing a fucking dog.” 

“Ew!” 

“You’re telling me? Gross as fuck! So yeah, i say 'to hell with it' and reach my hand down his pants and grab him. He’s actually a decent size. At least he was for about half a second before he erupted and came inside his pants and all over my goddamn hand. “

“Ugh!” 

“I had to walk the fuck home like that, Zo! My hand was a crime scene. “ 

I shake my head and make a vomiting gesture. 

“He said to call him. I didn’t. He tried me a few times. But I didn’t bother. Fuck that guy. What business do I have giving him three-second hand jobs? Sure, he gets off. I just end up sticky and miserable. Not worth it.“ 

I nod in agreement. 

A plane passes by. I wonder if it’s going to Disneyland or maybe a beach in San Diego or maybe Hawaii. 

I see a Lexus rolling down the street. The windows are down and the bass on the sound system is pulverizing against the cement, and the eardrums of everyone in a five block radius. 

I swallow, and a burp comes up tasting of the popsicle melting and mixing in with last nights vodka screwdrivers, still burning like acid in my throat.  My head is still cloudy as I look out at the nearby park. I see a group of girls playing jumprope and I laugh to myself. I laugh at how absurd things like jumprope and roller skates and hopscotch really are. Silly games for silly little girls. 

We go behind a dumpster and Marlee lights a cigarette for us to share. 

I look at her as she struggles with her tiny fingers to ignite the purple lighter she stole from the connivence store. Her bangs slightly cover her eyes, which are fixed down upon the sparking lighter.

“Well you didn’t tell me about how your night ended last night. After I left with Darren?” 

Says Marlee behind a cloud of smoke as she exhales. 

“Well you know Reuben?” 

“Reuben?” 

She asks, handing me the cigarette. There is a purple stain around the filter from her lips, still covered from the popsicle.

“Yeah"

I say, taking a drag.

"He’s like, my brothers friend. He drives his dads Lexus...”

“Oh, that guy... yeah he’s, kinda cute, I guess” 

Reuben was not cute. She was saying that to spare me for whatever sin I was on the verge of confessing to next. 

Reuben looked like a vantroliquist dummy. 

He looked to be stuffed with cotton. A little rag doll in a' badboy' outfit someone else dressed him in. Even as he spoke it seemed like someone had their hand up his back, guiding his every speech, every glance, every single movement 

“I’d just got home from Top-hat pizza, must’ve been like 2:30 or something, and I see that Lexus parked in the driveway."

I say.

 "Then, as I’m walking up, I realize he’s right there, standing beside the car. Either I was too fucking drunk, or it was really dark, but I didn’t even see the guy there. “

“Okay...”

Marlee says, with a bored look on her face. 

“Sorry...So, yeah” 

I take another drag of the cigarette. 

“So, I walked up to him. I could see he was drunk and probably high too. His eyes were puffy and he couldn’t talk right. He kept trying not to stare at my chest. 

“You’re uh, Tyler’s little sister?”

“Uh, yeah...”

"How old are you?"

"13"

I lied.

“Oh, uh, fuck....”

“What?”

“Uh, nothing.” Says Reuben haphhazardly jiggling around his pockets for his keys 

“Okay. “

I stared at him a second before stumbling away. 

“Wait” he says suddenly. 

I stop and look him in the eye. 

“You won’t tell your brother?” 

“No”

“Uh, okay then” 

I take another drag before Marlee notices I’ve been hogging it and she snatches it from my hand. 

“Yeah, next thing I know he takes me inside and we’re driving with that ridiculous thumping bass through the speaker and we’re in the Weston High School parking lot and he’s tryna screw in the backseat. “ 

“So what’d you do? “

“I just went down on him. Told him I don’t fuck on the first date. “

“Classy. “. 

The cigarette is at its filter and we’re still sucking it back for everything it’s got. 

“So you gonna do it again?”

“I guess. Seeing him tonight. “ 

“What about the party at Max Tanners' place?” 

“Yeah, after that”

So we roll around the sidewalks, ducking behind stores and empty school lots to smoke a few more. We talk about our old teacher Ms Hart, who was an old hag and died last week. We talk about Stacey Ferdman who is a backstabbing whore and apparently gave Morgan a hand job the next day after Marlee did. We talk about hot guys, and Marlee says my brother Tyler's name and we get into a bad fight and then make up and we finish the cigarettes.  

As the evening is setting in, we meet up with Craig and Henry. They’re ugly and unpopular, but they’re always near the mall, waiting for us, or any other girls who are looking for a quick fix. They have a couple of joints—which we need to light several times over— and a couple of beer cans that are piss warm and taste like aluminium, gasoline, and spit. 

We sit by a log at a little shaded area just away from the mall with trees and a few rocks and a pilling mound of cigarette cartons and glass bottles. Henry is playing music through a portable speaker. All you can hear is loud bass and the muffled moaning whiny vocalist.The lyrics keep repeating:

"Fuck you till

We're both numb

Fuck you till

Morning comes"

Craig has his hand near my breast. I let it hover there for a few moments and then brush it off. Soon enough, its right back, like a mosquito, constantly buzzing around, waiting for its chance to suck you up. At some point, I quit bothering to even swat it away. Let it feed if it wants too. It's only gonna die soon, anyway.

Drunk and high, we go back to Marlee’s place to get ready. Her parents are gone for the night,. We shower and pick out our outfits while drinking her mom's mango raspberry vodka spritzers. They taste better than the popsicles we had earlier.

I have some clothes I'd left there from the week before, so I just wear those. An oversized T shirt that says “Skate or Die” which hangs low enough to cover up my jean shorts— which my ass hangs out of, slightly. 

It’s another typical party. There’s a few hookups. A fight happens outside right after Hailey Brenan pounced on some older guy before her boyfriend, Jake had even left the room. That same stupid song from earlier is playing.

I am tired. A girl gets too drunk and pukes. Her fat friend makes a scene about it. One kid is sitting in the corner and he doesn’t look okay, but no-one seems to notice. At least, they notice, but not long enough to actually care enough to do anything about it. It is too loud to even think …

The night is winding down, I find myself back in Reuben’s car parked beside my elementary school. We’re together in the backseat. The bass through the speakers is really hurting my head.

He fumbles to take off my short shorts. I dont want him to. I moan restlessly. Kind of like a moan of frustration from a night of rolling around in bed, half-listening to my thoughts bounce around the walls, half dreaming, half- asleep. 

He gets the shorts off. His breath is terrible. Vomit and despration. He is breathing furiously. I realize he is a total virgin. He can hardly unhook my bra. His fondling of my breasts is painful and mechanical. His kisses are limp and his lips remind me of a wilted piece of vegetable. 

My panties come off. My first time was anti-climatncitc. My second time was a little better. Since then, its been hit and miss. This seems sure to be a miss. Im tired and cant wait to be asleep. I’m listless. 

He is finished before I know it. Before I even realize anything has happened. Before I even have time to regret or to re-think what I am even doing.

“You wont tell Tyler?” He asks for the fifth time

I shake my head, as he drives me home. The car is silent. His hand is on my knee. It sits there like a reptile. Like it has claimed my knee as its new habitat. I can imagine it peeing there. I can feel the droplets of reptile piss streaming down my calves. I take a side glance at him. His eyes are cold and dead, just like a reptile’s.

He parks by the curb beside my house. Just far enough to be covered by a tree, incase Tyler is looking out the window. 

“Well, uh…” 

“Uh, Goodnight….”

“yeah. Goodnight.”

He hooks his arms around my shoulders and gives me a futile five-second make out His tongue is a metallic snake.

“Uh, goodnight,…” 

“Yeah.” 

I crawl into my bed and I pass out before I fall asleep. I remain uconsious for a good while.

When I wake up, I hardly remember anything. A few weeks go by. Reuben doesn’t call me. I dont call him. The feelings are mutual.

Marlee and I are smoking a cigarette at the clearing of rocks and trees near the mall, I kick a bottle against a rock and watch the glass break. You know that feeling of glass breaking? Like when you hear the sound of it shatter and crack and something inside you does the same? Yeah, that doesn't happen. As the bottle smashes into a thousand million shards, dispersing amongst the trash, I struggle to even notice it happening.

“Hey, Zo, you know that older guy with the really nice Lexus, the one with the crazy loud bass?” 

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Im seeing him tonight.”

“Oh. Cool…”