Lost and Forgotten

Today is particularly hard for me as I prepare myself to say my final goodbyes. Who would've thought that you would be leaving me so soon. We were supposed to be together forever.

You were loved by so many. They showered you with the most gorgeous flowers. They are in the shape of crosses, hearts, and even a bible. You would be tickled pink if you could see them. Looking around the room, everyone was representing you by wearing your favorite color, white. It looks like heaven on earth, breathtaking. You would just love it.

As I sit here gazing at your pearl white casket trimmed with gold covered in dozens of lovely, white roses, all I can do is cry. I close my eyes to take in the sweet aroma of the floral scents along with the soothing melodies of music. To hear the choir singing all of your favorite hymns, put a big smile on my face. Especially when they sang “Old Rugged Cross”. Whenever you would hear that song, you would throw your hands up in the air, and begin singing from the depths of your heart. You would sing until the tears started to flow. You would be so full of joy and it could be felt and seen by others.

Then listening to all of the stories by friends and family is touching. One particular story stood out. A friend of yours said that when you were in college, both of you went to a party together. While at the party, you cut in between a couple that were dancing, and started dancing with the young lady's boyfriend. I laughed because it sounded like something you would do. The young lady tried to cut back in and dance with her man but you wouldn't let her. You would have started a fight, but one of your friends pulled you outside. The next week, you and the young man started dating and later became husband and wife. You were always the bold type.

Pastor Mann started the eulogy by saying how generous you were and how much you loved the kids. Being a school teacher for 32 years will do that. He reminded us of how you would reward the children after passing their test. He remembered one time when all of the children in your class passed except for two. You took everyone one out for pizza including those who didn't pass. You would always say “No one left behind”. You always had a big heart for others and did whatever you could when you could. Listening to him reflect on exactly who you were, made me feel as though you were sitting right next to me. Oh how beautiful and fitting for a queen.

With tears streaming down my sad, pale face, I began to reflect on our times together. You would always do the sweetest little things, like leaving notes all around that reminded me of who I was, my daily schedule, and to take my medications. Who was going to do it now! My stomach is twisting into giant knots with just the thought of me being without you. With the little strength that I have left, I must continue to reminisce on the good times we had to keep my composer.

What about the time when we went to the store and I forgot where I parked the car? The cart attendant with half white and half black hair approached us and attempted to help. After walking around confused for about 20 minutes, we finally found it. There Betsy was. The long, sky blue Cadillac with the missing hubcaps. You loved that old thing. Once we got inside the car, we laughed so hard at the cart attendant's hair. You even gave him the nickname "Skunk". Every time we went in there, we would always look for "Skunk".

Then there was the time that I forgot what day it was. I was having a really bad day and not feeling like myself. Mixed feelings were all over the place. Feelings of confusion, anger, and fear. The sound of creaky house noises and the feeling of being watched, intensified as I was backed into a corner in the bathroom all alone. I cried all night long. When I got up off the cold, hardwood floor the next morning, I looked into the bathroom mirror and there were your notes reminding me of who I was. When I was broken into a million pieces, you helped to pick me up and put me back together again! Oh how I'm going to miss you!

Looking around at all of your family and friends and not a dry eye in sight, you were so important to so many people. My heart is pounding out of my chest as I sit and stare at Lillian M. Ories' picture on the obituary. You would come and go but I am trying to accept the fact that this is the last time we will be together. We take for granted so many things until it's gone. Once it's gone, we sometimes can't get it back.

As I am escorted down the aisle to see you for one last time, the tears won't stop flowing. I can feel my legs giving away from under me the closer I get to you. Drops of sweat are pouring down my face. Is this really it? I need you here with me!

As I lift my head to say my final goodbyes, I can see how beautiful and peaceful you are. You look so young and vibrant. You look just like me at a younger age. I don't want to let you go! I am burying a piece of me that I won't ever get back! Everyone told me that you would be leaving me but I didn't want to believe it. I thought that we had forever together. So as I walk away with my head down, I now walk into my new reality. A reality of being without you, my best part, my memory. As bold as you were in the past, this is just one fight that you can't win against Mr. Alzheimers. I now realize that I am surrounded by loving people that will leave special notes all around with reminders. I have lost a piece of me today and my life will forever be changed.