The red wolf stalked her prey through the brush and into the derelict steel mill. The wind had carried its smell into her waiting nostrils and empty belly a mile or so back. Peeping through brush and shrubbery, she spotted her prey dashing between the silos. It had been many years, close to a century, since red wolves treaded this far north; but as the factories closed and the workers left, wilderness began to horn back in.
Creeping in through a hole in the fence, she followed the scent into the steelworks and though the train tracks. She moved stealthily between titanic blast furnaces and colossal coke ovens that towered over her and blocked off the few rays of sun that made it through the dense overcast sky. She stopped to peep below the broken down locomotive at the end of the tracks.
She could smell her target, but she couldn’t see it. This was a slippery and difficult catch, and not one she was used to hunting. Agile, alert, and a itself a predator, she couldn’t afford to make mistakes. Red wolves typically prefer to hunt in groups, but after the conditions for survival further south became untenable and the numbers of her pack dwindled, she was forced north and left to fend for herself and her litter alone. It had been many days since she caught anything, and most of that went to her young. Their survival depended on a successful hunt today.
Her sharp eyes scanned the landscape. Immediately before her was a parking lot full of cars enclosed by a chain link fence. Beyond it, past the open gates, stretched a highway. To the right of the highway rose a pine forest of small and scant trees. To the right, past a field of open tallgrass, was the abandoned neighborhood where the factory workers used live. No sign of her pray.
A stroke of luck. For only a brief moment she spotted a barely perceptible flash of light reflecting over a metallic surface in the neighborhood moving between houses. She was unsure of what it was, but without any other sign of her target she pressed forward. She passed through the gates and moved through the field, careful to stay low between the grass. Her white legs blended in well with what little snow was left. It was late march, but it had been a particularly cold and long winter.
Quietly she creeped between yards, fences, sheds, houses, and cars. They had only been abandoned recently, but some already started to show signs of decay. Some had their windows and doors broken with various things strewn about in the lawn, looted for anything useful, but most looked identical to the day they were left behind. Nixon and McGovern lawn signs and children’s toys on the front yards. A couple American flags, and one or two Steel Worker’s Union flags and POW/MIA flags.
She followed the trail down a side street, then an alley, passed between multiple yards and across the main street. This is where her target lived, and it’s scent permeated the entire neighborhood. Desperate and confused, she began to believe her pray might have given her the slip. Her hunger gnawed at her stomach harder than ever as she became more distressed. Did she even have the energy left to return to her progeny in the forest?
Suddenly to the east, not too far away, she heard her loud meowing. Swiftly she moved towards the sound, careful to remain out of sight. The neighborhood was deathly still. She took great care to ensure the only thing disturbing the silence where the calls of her careless target. Not long ago this neighborhood had been quaint, quiet, but very much thriving and alive. The steel mill had provided for hundreds of families for generations, and it seamed like it could provide work for generations to come until the last bit of iron had been taken from the core of the earth and recycled a hundred times. The day the bombs fell an army convoy of men in large trucks and hazmat suits came to take the people away. The radioactive cloud of the blast that had reduced nearby Cincinnati to dust and rubble threatened to move westward, and so they had to leave with only the clothes on their back. The second strike further obliterated the remaining transportation infrastructure and hit several refugee centers, no one was coming back any time soon, no human at least.
Finally, she settled behind the bushes dividing two yards. There he was, the large black and white cat she had been stalking all day lay on the front porch of an abandoned house, facing the door and meowing. She hesitated for a second, it was almost too easy. She took a final breath and shot out of her hiding place, her hind legs digging into the dirt as she leapt from the bush towards her target. The cat hardly realized what was happening, much less had a chance to flee when the wolf’s piercing canines dug into his lower chest, spine, neck, and collar, whose metallic tag had given away his position earlier. He managed to let out a loud, penetrating shriek before the wolf lifted her snout and shook him about vigorously. He was dead, the hunt was over.
Doubts over the long term viability of this strange new habitat still remained in the back of her mind, a single successful hunt doesn’t necessarily mean an abundant food source. Still, all the energy she expended running down her pray was not going to be in vain, and her offspring wasn’t going to starve this day. She adjusted her catch in her maws for a better grip and began making her way to her waiting, hungry litter. She walked across the front lawn, into the main road, and stopped dead on her tracks. She turned her torso to face the four legged figure standing about half a block down the road to the south, in the direction of the old steel mill. The other figure also stood motionless and tense. It had bright copper fur interspersed with spots of white and black, like hers. It’s light brown eyes gazed deep into her own, and hers likewise gazed back. It’s razor sharp claws were dug taught and tight into the road, like hers. His jaws were covered and dripping with blood, like hers.
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Hi Gabriel, thanks for sharing your story. It is a gripping story, with a beautifully evocative post-apocalyptic setting. It would seem to me that your English, whilst pretty great in many ways, is still in the process of being learnt. In other words, your ideas are fantastic, but your ability to convey them in English isn't quite there yet. In a spirit of trying to be helpful, I have some notes for you on this:
1. "...since red wolves treaded this far north." The past tense of "tread" is "trod," not "treaded."
2. "...into the steelworks and though the train tracks." I don't think "through," is the best word. Should be "over," the tracks in my opinion.
3. "...Immediately before her was a parking lot." Huh? I thought she was inside the steelworks at that point? The coke ovens and broken locomotive were inside the steelworks building, right? Yet the parking lot is (presumably?) outside. I'm a bit confused.
4. "...It was late march." The month of March is spelled with a capital letter as it is a proper noun.
5. "...Quietly she creeped between yards, fences, sheds, houses, and cars. They had only been abandoned recently, but some already started to show signs of decay. Some had their windows and doors broken with various things strewn about in the lawn, looted for anything useful, but most looked identical to the day they were left behind. Nixon and McGovern lawn signs and children’s toys on the front yards. A couple American flags, and one or two Steel Worker’s Union flags and POW/MIA flags." There are multiple issues with this paragraph. i. The past tense of "creep" is "crept," not "creeped." ii You should change, "...but some already started..." to, "...but some had already started..." iii "Some had their windows..." should be, "Some had had their windows..." iv Because the following sentence refers back to the information in that sentence, and is talking specifically about houses, you should also change that sentence to be specifically about houses, so, actually, you wouldn't even have, "Some had had their windows...," you'd actually, ideally, have, "Some houses had had their windows..." v That following sentence, in fact is confusing and unwieldy. A clearer way of writing this sentence would be, "...Some houses had had their windows and doors broken. There was evidence of looting, and various items were strewn around the lawns. Despite all this, however, many homes seemed little changed from how they must have looked prior to the community's exodus."
6. "...Suddenly to the east, not too far away, she heard her loud meowing." Who's loud meowing? You haven't told us that she's hunting a cat. Is she? Or is that some other random cat who happens to be nearby? If it is some random cat, you can't really say she heard HER loud meowing, because there's no context of to whom you are referring.
7. "...to ensure the only thing disturbing the silence where the calls of her careless target." Should be "...were the calls of...," not, "...where the calls of..."
8. "...The day the bombs fell an army convoy of men in large trucks and hazmat suits came to take the people away." There's nothing that overtly wrong with this sentence that I can really put my finger on, but it doesn't read smoothly. Perhaps you could try something like, "The day the bombs fell, a convoy of large trucks rolled through. They carried army men in hazmat suits who efficiently went door to door, taking folks from their homes."
9. "...The second strike further obliterated the remaining transportation infrastructure and hit several refugee centers, no one was coming back any time soon, no human at least." This needs to be split into two sentences. The second sentence would start with, "No-one was..."
10. "...a single successful hunt doesn’t necessarily mean..." The story is told in the past tense (as is appropriate,) so please keep it in the past tense. I.e. change "doesn't," to "didn't."
11. "...She adjusted her catch in her maws." The word "maw," needs to be in the singular. The wolf has four paws, but one maw. That maw consists of the upper palate of her mouth, and the lower part, the jaw/tongue/lower teeth. But though there are two parts to it, she one has one maw. You'd only use the word "maws," to refer to the maws of more than one animal.
Story-wise, as I said, I think it's mostly great. And all those English usage notes, above, are really just picayune things that you'll easily get the hang of, with time. My only feedback regarding the story itself is that, almost universally with stories, including short stories, you want to have a beginning that shows us a situation and a problem/issue/quest/thing-that-needs-to-be-understood etc. Then it needs a middle, where the protagonist grapples with the problem. Then an end where a new realization has occurred, or a new situation has evolved - logically from what has happened at the beginning and in the middle. Or where the problem has been successfully solved. Or the thing that needed to be understood has been - even if the solution looks as far away as ever. You get the idea. In this story, we have a great set-up. A great protagonist. And an interesting progression of events. And even a new and interesting situation developing at the end, as a kind of a twist. But all of that doesn't quite give me (and this is just me,) the arc I'd like to see, or the sense of completion, or some new understanding at the end that would make the story feel rounded off. It's perfectly fine to leave the story up in the air like this. But - for me - it needs to have at least one learning or achievement or something. For example, she could have been having a conversation with herself as the story progressed (her inner monologue,) and, through that, we see that she's still wondering whether she and her cubs can survive in this area, or whether the need to keep moving. And then, but the end of the story, she's answered that question - with a yes or a no. Another possible way of rounding out the story arc would have been for her to worry about whether the cubs were old enough to start hunting on there own. And she's thinking she's concerned for them, and that she feels she was right to leave them back in the den, despite their pleas to join her. But then that other wolf at the end fights her, and she's losing, before her cubs - who have naughtily left the den and followed her - come to save the day, fighting off the other wolf. Just a couple of ideas.
Overall, however, like I said at the beginning, this is a brilliant idea, a great setting, and I love how real you made it all seem. Your descriptions are fantastic. Keep writing. But if you have time, before your next story submission, re-read the story several more times, making edits for clarity and smooth reading, and for that satisfying well-rounded story arc that the reader loves. And if your English is still just a year or two away from where you want it to be, get a friend with strong English skills to read it and make editing suggestions. Your stories are totally worth that effort!
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