The Oyster

It was day five of her self prescribed writer’s retreat; she had booked this getaway in hopes of breaking through her current creative roadblock. So far, she had managed to find an amazing cottage, beautiful walking paths and a variety of area coffee shops and diners; sustenance, caffeine and people watching were vital parts of the writing process. Her pen had touched paper only to sign receipts and the extensive writing that had occurred, a few small business reviews. Perhaps a change of scenery was what she needed tonight.

The Oyster fit the bill as the local pub and grub. Dimly lit with a subtle glow from the various neon signs hung on the walls, the bar was relatively empty at this time of day and she located a table on the sidewall that would provide a prime ‘people watching perch’. People watching had always been one of her favorite pastimes; a fantastic means of escaping the undesirable reality currently forming your existence.

The bartender arrived at her table taking her order for the dinner special he had just sold the hell out of and a bourbon, on the rocks. A good looking ski junkie filling his summer months working for his friend, Marcus had informed her that Thursday was one of their busiest nights of the week. Thursdays with Ted, a local dinner institution featuring owner Ted’s homecooking. With any luck she would enjoy a delicious meal, enough bourbon to take the edge of frustration off, a bit of people watching and maybe a little inspiration to write. At this point she would take any inspiration she could find.

The night proved to be exactly as Marcus had predicted. Steadily busy, most customers coming in to order carryout, have a beer or two while they waited and catch up on any local gossip Marcus had to offer. A small group of guys perched at the end of the bar in what appeared to be their regular spots. Other than the occasional smoke break they sat at the end of the bar talking amongst themselves through dinner and past kitchen closing.

She learned during a bourbon refill that the crew at the end of the bar were Ted’s buddies. Ted no longer drank, so in an act of rebellion they would sit at the bar until he was off work so he had no excuse to not sit with them for a while. A couple of Diet Cokes and the guys were usually satisfied enough to let Ted go home most nights. The group seemed to have enough animation amongst them to make for a good time, even on Diet Coke alone. Her inspiration potential was improving.

Finally settling into some quality writing, the kitchen door swung open and a mild uproar came from the end of the bar, breaking her focus. Her eyes rose to the noise and what she saw took the breath straight out of her chest. Time stopped. Her ears rang, everything was muted and hollow. Frozen in place she stared through the soul of the man standing in front of the kitchen door.

This couldn’t be real. A thousand times she had seen him in a shifting light. A thousand times she had heard his voice in a crowded room. A thousand times he had not been there. Was this another one of her short lived fantasies after being jolted from a writing trance? Her mind playing tricks from its safe place of hope and creativity?

It had been seven years. There was a good chance his appearance had changed since she last saw him; he had a way of changing his appearance when he became uncomfortable in his own skin. This looked like the real him, the him she missed most, if it really was him. She had never sought out where he landed; assuming it would be easier to let him go if she didn’t know where he was. This could not possibly be the same person, she wouldn’t let herself believe it.

Just as she was shaking off her ridiculous thoughts lifting her glass she heard slow, shuffling footsteps as she caught movement on the floor ahead of her table. “Lisa?” a voice she was almost certain she would never hear again. She had never felt a lump in her throat quite like this. “Theo? It really is you. Holy. Shit.”

“Ouch, I’m hurt. Here I thought you were here to see me but your face says otherwise.” She could feel her blood threatening to boil; cooled, as expected, by his apprehensive chuckle. “In a million lifetimes in any place I would know you…” he began as she stared dumbly up at him hearing about half of the words coming out of his mouth. “You haven’t changed that much. You’re still the same girl I lost all those years ago.”

“You lost? I’m not sure you can call walking away without any explanation and essentially disappearing from the face of the earth you losing anything. But then, I haven’t gone anywhere. I’m right where you left me.”

“Actually; you’re sitting in my bar, drinking my bourbon served to you by my bartender. It kind of looks like you left where I left you and came looking for me.”

“Theo, I assure you my presence in your bar is nothing short of a cruel joke being played by the universe. What are you even doing here?”

“Um, I am the one who lives here and owns this bar. The better question might be why are you here?” His tone was light and playful but the shock had not worn off; she was irritated and overstimulated.

“Ugh! You are impossible.” she exaggeratedly rolled her eyes. He hated it when she rolled her eyes; especially at him. “I see you also haven’t changed much. Still placing blame and responsibility safely away from you” Taking a long drink of her bourbon she set the glass down. “I needed some solitude to write, I picked a cute little mountain town with just enough action to keep me entertained and rented a cottage for three months. My intention was to avoid anyone and everyone I knew.” She came off more combative than she wanted. He had always disoriented her senses and logic.

“And now I’ve gone and ruined that for you. I’m sorry.” For a moment it felt like his soul was speaking to her.

“Let’s skip the apologies we both know will never amount to anything. It looks like your friends are waiting for their nightly Ted time.” Packing her things into her purse she waved to Marcus for her check “It was good to see you Ted. I’m glad you’re doing well.”

Marcus took a step in their direction as Theo waved him off. “For starters, you have no tab, it’s taken care of. And, I did not intend to come across as petulant or callous. I came out the kitchen door and before my eyes even had a chance to adjust I saw you and lost all sense of reality. I have gone over and over in my head for years the things I would say if I ever saw you again. Mental preparation only gets you so far. Please, don’t leave. I want to talk to you. I want to talk with you. I want to tell you all the things I should have told you the last seven years. If we talk and you don’t want to see me again I will accept that and leave you alone the rest of your stay.” He softly pleaded.

She knew the tone in his voice. A broken man, terrified of his feelings, terrified to take a risk and lose it all but knowing that if he doesn’t take the risk he will lose it all anyway. A man who had escaped to a place of her dreams, not his. His dreams generally included heat, sand, water, and girls scantily clad in bikinis. They both were big fans of people watching… Her voice was barely a whisper when she was able to speak. “Fine, we can talk but can we do it without the audience?”

THis subdued chuckle helped to soften the mood. “Of course. My place isn’t far from here, we could go to the late night coffee place, where are you staying? We will stay close to your place.”

“I’m not far from here either. A little guest cottage just up the road. I walked down, not planning to be out so late; people watching was more interesting than anticipated this evening. There’s a quaint back garden and I have some local coffee I found.” She knew coffee would always be the way to his heart.

As they exited the bar heading to his truck he asked her for the address and nearly choked on his Diet Coke when she answered. “You are certain you didn’t know I was living here?”

“No idea, why?”

He knew his response right now could flip the trajectory of this entire evening. He just blurted it out “Because the guest cottage you rented is my guest cottage.”

“And you want me to believe you had no idea I was the one staying there?” she snapped.

“I delegate the management of the guest cottage to one of my staff. It came with the house and I was letting it sit empty until she convinced me to start renting it out. Any communication you had for booking was with her.” If the conviction in his voice hadn’t sold her, the knowledge that he would never deal with the management of a rental on a day to day basis solidified it.

The drive was short; he pulled up to her cottage and parked.

“What are we doing here?” It came out more accusatory than she intended.

“Isn’t this where you’re staying?”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it.” The threat of a full fledged crash out was teetering on the brink of disaster.

“No. I don't know. I don’t know anything. You’ve barely spoken to me and when you do I can’t decide if you want to punch me in the face, scream at me, or run away and never see me again.” came his emphatic response.

She couldn’t have stopped the snarky laugh that escaped if she had wanted to. “Funny, I can’t decide what I want to do either.”

“Lisa…please” his eyes begging her. His eyes always communicated better than he did. When his mouth lied, his eyes told every truth.

She sighed as her head fell back against the headrest.

They sat in silence for what felt like forever. Both of them staring straight ahead; neither of them moving, neither of them speaking. The silence was so thick they may not have been breathing.

That thing was back. The buzz in the air, palpable to anyone within twenty feet of them. It had taken two years to stop the buzzing every time she focused on him for too long. Maybe she had just learned to stop thinking about him before the buzzing started in the first place. It was back now, in ways she had never felt before. She didn’t know how she felt about its return.

For the first time in maybe their entire history, it was Ted who broke the silence. “I am sorry, Lisa. It’s not enough and I swear it isn't everything I have for you, but I have to start somewhere or I will never go anywhere. I am sorry.”

He made no movement as he said those words to her. She wasn’t sure she could move if she wanted to. He was extending an olive branch the only way he knew how. And it was far outside his comfort zone to do so. Unmovingly, she reached out for his offering.

“I have searched for you. Everywhere. All the time. Sometimes I see you only to realize it’s not you and you’re still gone. You left; and you never came back.” She knew she sounded helpless; it fit the way she felt.

“I had no idea how to come back. I didn’t know if you would want me to come back. I knew I had no right to come back. To disrupt your life again. For what? To screw it up like I screw up everything in my life? No. I wasn’t doing that to you again. It was better to stay gone and let you move on. You deserved better. You deserve better.”

She wanted to scream, she wanted to cry, she wanted to rage. Instead, so as not to break the moment she only muttered “I never wanted better. I wanted you.”

He sat with this for a minute before speaking. He had screwed this up so many times. Too many words, not enough words…no words. He knew this was his last chance to keep her in his life, and that had just become utterly vital to his survival.

“Do you want to see my place? We could try actually talking to each other. It might get us farther than our mind reading game we’ve played for years.” It came out guarded but light enough for her to feel a little tension leaving, he was at least calling off the snipers atop his walls. Walls she had tried to navigate and understand forever. She had never been able to find a way through them.

“Yes, please. I would love to see where Theo became Ted. I hope Theo is allowed to at least come out and say hello.” Out of the corner of her eye she saw the corner of his mouth twitch and knew her light hearted attempt at breaking the mood had landed. She smiled as he put the truck in reverse and returned to the main drive. As they made their way up the drive she felt his right arm brush against her left; not ready to turn and face him yet she allowed her pinky finger the slightest movement and reached out for him. Even now the nagging whispers in her mind telling her she was probably misreading everything. Again.

The garage found them in the same conundrum. Both terrified to make the first move; frozen in fear of being wrong, fear of misjudging the other person’s feelings and desires. Fear only intensified by knowing what’s on the other side. Something you can’t come back from. Something that will rock your world in ways you’re damn certain you don’t yet understand but you have never wanted anything more than to just try. Just once, to find out if what you think is out there even exists or if you have created an entirely false reality in your mind.

Elbow on the window he rested his head on his fist, turning to look at her. The gentle rhythmic movement of his pinky against hers had soothed the trembling bubbling in her body - no doubt he had felt it too. Feeling like she could at least breathe independently while looking at him she let her head roll to the left. Her smile broke before she could even fully register him sitting there. Looking at her like that. That same look she had seen for the first time nearly twenty years ago. God she loved him. Really loved him. Blow up your life and everything in it loved him.

“Hi”

Lisa signed contentedly, her entire being abuzz and euphoric at the sound of his voice. His voice was the most tranquilizing sound she had ever heard. She used to joke with him that he could read astrophysics to her and she would be in heaven. He still could.

“Hi Theo”

“I’ve missed you Lees”

“I have missed you more than I have known what to do with”

“I’ve got a couple ideas for you”

“If you’re going to keep looking at me the way you are right now I am going to have to ask that you please share your ideas with the class.” Keeping things light hearted had always been safest where Theo was concerned.

“Fuck it” were the last words he muttered as he leaned over the center arm rest, his mouth covering hers, fingers entangled in her hair gripping the side of her head as if his life depended on it.

His kisses softened to gentle pecks and nibbles, her lips now red and a bit raw from the assault of his beard. Fingers still intertwined in her hair, his hand now rested softly on her face, his thumb brushing lightly against her cheek. He waited for the moment she looked into his eyes. “I love you.”

“I know.” she whispered, her lips turning up in a slight smile against his. Those two words inspired a renewed assault on her lips and she waited for his passion to subside ever so slightly. “I love you, Theo. I always have and I always will. I know you are not a perfect person, but you are perfect for me and that has never changed. Not ever. What will it take for you to believe me when I tell you that I love you as you are. I love you for who you are. Who you are is made up of everything you have done, everything you have been through. Without any one piece of who you were before you would not be the same you as you are now. I love who you are; then, now and always. I. Love. You. No further questions. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.” Her breath left her body in a rush following her short monologue.

Once more his lips found hers. “Let’s move our party inside and see if we can’t arrange for Ted to go back to being Theo. Perhaps we can avoid anymore Ted talks, I think Theo has a few things he needs to say to you.”