I am so sorry to have made you cry my little dove. I hope you can see I am doing this for your own good, that I always have your best interest at heart. You’ve shown me nothing but kindness and welcomed me with warmth though I was a stranger. You opened your doors to me, taught me how to laugh again, how to feel again. And I opened my heart to you. Fell so deeply in love with you that it overwhelmed me. Loving you overwhelms me. It burns through my body like a plague and strips me of all things sensible. So you should understand why I did this. You should understand and console me as you always have. You are the one that forced my hand, made me take away from you what wasn’t good for you, good for us. Your union wasn’t sacred, it wasn’t meant to be. You are the other half of my heart, of my soul and I will fight for you.
You once called me your sister and I screamed with joy. When we went to our frequents for tea together and you addressed me as your kin, my heart rattled in my chest. It beat so hard it was all I could hear. But after a while, it soured. To be your sister is to limit us, to be your everything but only in kindliness. There was a far more valuable title and then, it belonged to him. To be your sister aggravated me but to see someone else be your lover. It tormented my very existence.
My love, you called him. Your eyes shone when you saw me but with him, they glowed. Every pore on your being glowed with love. Love for your love. It made me sick, to say the least, I was disgusted and morbidly jealous. He was a fool who did not deserve you my little dove. You were like a prize to him, a simple pleasure of life. He didn’t love you with depth, didn’t fulfill you emotionally. He was fake and shallow and he wanted to take you away from me. He would smile at me in your presence. Concoct this fake reality as if we were cordial with one another. Mouth fed you lies in my presence, oh how it made me sick. He made sure to seal every interaction where I was nearby with a kiss. To stain your delicate, rouged lips while staring at me, holding malicious eye contact to make sure I was watching. It was a grave sin. I had to punish him my little dove. He was tainting you, staining us.
We were out on one of our evening walks. Your hair was tied up, exposing your slender neck and collar bones. You looked like a painting, so painfully beautiful you had to be adored in minute doses. In my trance, stuck between stealing glances at your profile and shamefully staring at the floor, you uttered the most gut-wrenching news.
I paled, you were to wed that useless fool.
My heart tumbled out of my ribs and hit the ground. He was binding you to him. Removing all possibilities of our union. You spoke of a family in excitement. To bear his seed once, twice, three times. I doubled over to vomit in the near bush. To imagine you, my little dove, cursed with a swollen belly. Waddling around with an ugly hump protruding from your midsection. I had to end our walk as I was about to faint. I was brimming with wrath and disdain. Angered, all I saw was red. My flesh hummed in malice. He was making his final move, all these taunting gestures over the past few months, this was his main course, his concluding blow. It was then I realized God was giving me a sign. I took all the horrible developments and transformed them into something better. I decided to take it as a sign to fight for our love. To execute my plan for our future. I was sickened at first but soon giddy with excitement.
You visited me every night for the past 3 days while I was 'sick'. After throwing up in the middle of our walk, worry furrowed your brow and you hurried me to my chamber. Your warm skin was firmly pressed against mine while you helped me get into bed. This was real love. Genuine, pure love blessed by God. You brought me something sweet at the end of every bedridden day. With a smile on your face as you made me guess what you hid behind your back. Oh little dove, can't you see you’re my whole world? How could you accept to wed that nuisance? How could you smile at me so deeply and bring me gifts every night but still kiss him? Embrace him? It was in you I found refuge, I found solace. How could you betray me? Is it because you know I will always grant you forgiveness? Is it because you know the power you have over me?
Enough was enough. On the fourth night, I climbed in through your window, and in horror you watched me slit his throat. Eyes flared, he bucked into the next life. That was the only warmth I ever felt from the pitiful bastard. The warmth of his ugly red blood as it spilled over and stained everything. Even in death, he remained hideous. The gall to share your bed with you and ruin it.
Your scream tore me out of my disgust-filled daze. I have never seen so much fear displayed on someone's face. You wore it like a second skin like I could peel it off and see your sweet smile beneath. You stared at me in horror and I stared back in awe. I do not understand what happened next but I'm certain you will explain to me later.
"How could you" you shrieked at me. I watched you knelt before his unmoving frame, shoulders heaving as the grief worked through your body.
“This is all my fault” you wailed between sobs.
I released a breathy laugh at that. To take the blame for his death whilst I stood there covered in his blood, typical angel.
You then turned to me once more, teeth bared, beet red face. You looked so beautiful. I hate to see tears on your face my little dove but you looked so beautiful. I heard the rather quick footsteps of the help approaching and knew I had to leave. I did not want to leave you there, alone and tear-streaked but I had to. I moved to embrace you but you moved as well. Shock, I presume. I grabbed you and held you tight. Your shaking frame held me back. I was inordinately elated, I could finally breathe feeling the certainty that we would elope one day. I pressed a wet kiss on your frown. Your previously betrothed blood staining mine and now your lips. To seal our love in his death. It was glorious. Our celebration was short-lived as I had to remove myself from your room.
Walking away from your window in the sky, I could hear your wails of loss. I know you will come to understand why I did this. And when that time comes, I will return. I write to you on the train out of the city, the conductor screams a hearty 'Bon voyage' over the train's whistle. I hope to come back and have you waiting for me at this station, accepting me with open arms and kind eyes, as of now, I will enjoy your presence from a distance and keep you company with letters.
To Little dove,
Our love shall outlive eternity and even through death, I will crawl out of hell to kiss at your feet at heaven's gate.