0 Stars, Would Not Recommend

I have never written a negative review. I’m not one to shit on an establishment trying its best, but the alternative would be a disservice to you all.

I found this place by chance after one of my co-workers suggested I go next door to try out the food. Having recently moved to the area and seeing how highly she seemed to rate it, I obliged. Plus, it would get me out of my comfort zone as new eateries are usually much-needed breath of fresh air.

It even shared a back patio with my workplace, which would have been a perfect time-saver if it were a different restaurant altogether!

Before I start with the absolute anarchy upon which my dining experience sat, I want to make it clear that none of this has been exaggerated or made to fit a certain narrative for comedic effect.

The place itself was a bit unusual – it was very colourful but nothing seemed to go with anything next to it, like it was colour for colour’s sake rather than to look good. I also couldn’t quite describe the style as anything but simplistic and confusing. The staff were incredibly unprofessional too - it was like they had been trained by aliens who didn’t comprehend basic manners.

I was met with someone running over to me, almost tripping over their shoes and falling into what felt like a rehearsed, rushed greeting and making way too much eye-contact. Another member of staff (who, by the way, was covered in some sort of light brown muck) approached by trying to force my host to give them a piggyback, then told me to hurry up as ‘we don’t have all day.’

May I remind you that I hadn’t sat down yet.

Perplexed, but not deterred, I followed them to a seat and excused it as unusual banter between the two. I tried to settle into the uncomfortably small chair and, with the plastic edge of the chair digging into all the wrong places, I asked for some water.

Someone screamed ‘I’LL DO IT’ and ran from somewhere out back with a blue plastic cup in hand and a chef’s hat on. I looked up and it was only then I realised that I was the only customer there amongst fifteen or so other staff members who were either laughing together, staring at me, or banging some pots together.

My host looked unbothered as she dropped mismatched cutlery and a plate on tablecloth. I asked if someone could tell her colleagues to stop making noise, but she dismissed this and made me feel like a fool for asking.

She then set a wrinkled and illegible menu on the table. When I asked her for a different one, she just shook her head and made it seem like that was the only one they had and was more interested in taking my order as fast as she could.

Another member of staff behind me whispered something about the special being dirt? Which at first I thought must be something fancy that I didn’t know, but no-one elaborated on what this meant at any point and I couldn’t see anything spelt similarly on the menu. 

I soon realised that this had to be some sort of terrible gimmick as I couldn’t think of any other reason why this was happening.

The person in the chef’s hat came back with the cup of water, but they had spilled most of it on the concrete whilst running so it was more like a large gulp once it got to me.

I laughed and asked for some more and was told that refills cost extra before they skipped away. At no point did I get more water.

The host asked what I wanted but the menu only magnified my confusion; a kid could have written it. I resorted to asking what they would recommend and you won’t believe what they said: I was told that they had a carrot, bread, and chips. Before I could respond, the ‘chef’ came up to me and said something I couldn’t understand, went away, and came back with two – mostly whole – bourbon biscuits in their hands. No packet, no plate, just two biscuits in each hand.

Whilst asking my host if they could make me some sort of lunchtime sandwich with extra cheese, the chef pushed the half-eaten biscuits into my mouth with her bare hands whilst going ‘mmmmmmm’ and licking her hands. WHAT THE FUCK

Gimmick or not, this had crossed the line and become a serious hygiene issue. I asked if I could speak to their manager which no one seemed to comprehend as no one moved to get one, but the idiot that offered me dirt earlier put a comic book on my plate, sat on my lap and turned the pages whilst encouraging me to read along.

I was BEYOND livid, so I quickly stood up which caused them to fall so they made a scene by wailing loudly as I was trying to complain, but the more I said, the louder the wailing got like they were trying to dismiss me on purpose.

Know what happened next? Some chump in a shirt with a tuxedo print on the front said, seemingly proud of himself, ‘that’ll be one hundred pounds, sir’. As if the scene couldn’t get more ridiculous, this caused my host to also start crying as she was ‘supposed to say that bit’.

I’m done.

I walk out of the restaurant and ask my co-worker what she was thinking, but she’s too busy rushing outside to comfort the staff like a mother coddling her children. She then starts distracting them with nursery rhymes and asking me to help as that’s apparently what I’m being paid for but no, they need to learn: whether they’re in nursery or not, whether I’m the nursery assistant or not, this kind of service just isn’t acceptable.