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General


I knew a girl who used to be the ‘school’s snow queen’, who appeared to be cold as ice, but in reality, she had a pure heart. Louise was a free spirit, smart young girl. her long golden-brown hair were like a smooth brown honey. Her large blue frosty eyes stand out of a round face. Louise had a strong athletic build which enhanced her ability to compete successfully in swimming competition.  Louise was born and raised in one of the richest towns of Paris, Saint-Nom-La-Bretèche. Louise’s family owned one of the most famous fashion industries, the Bertram style. Louise was the school’s queen, an egocentric and snobbish girl, who always wanted everyone’s attention. Louise was a girl with a perfect chic and impeccable style, who loved to keep everything under her control, starting with her emotions. Louise has always wished to have a real family, a family which she could go to when she needed someone to talk to,  but she never had one, instead she had an absent father always busy with work, and the loss of her dear mother, who died when Louise was just thirteen years old. Louise dream job was to become a singer, but her father instead wanted Louise to run the family business, so her father imposed Louise to attend the prestigious Paris Fashion Academy, so that one day she would be ready to administrate the family business. Louise thought of that school as her worst nightmare, the angry clouds marched across the sky, and the thunder roared in the sky. When Louise was worried about something, she usually gone for a swim to relieve the stress while thinking about her future. Meanwhile Louise was packing boxes to take to her new school’s dorm room, she found an old box, when she opened it, she saw it. Her eyes began to fill with tears, her hands began to tremble, and her voice began to retreat. She thought back to the moment after her mother died, she remembered that her mother told her to find an old box and everything will connect like a puzzle with its pieces. Louise has looked for that box in the past years. Now after nine years since her mother died, she found the mysterious box. Inside the old box, Louise found an old shirt and a letter from her mother. The letter said, " My dear daughter, if you are reading this now, it means that I didn't make it, I'm truly sorry for not telling you what I was in the past, but your father forced me to not say anything because he think of music as if it is a door to hell, but do not hate your father for this.  love you always, Marie". Louise could not believe that her mother was a singer, Louise was very disappointed at her father. Suddenly she heard the doorbell ring, so she quickly grabbed her mother’s shirt and the letter, and went to see who was at the door. A tall old man  was standing in the doorway, it was the school principal, who had an important meeting with her father to discuss about Louise entrance to the new school, but she left the school’s principal to wait at the doorway and ran to her father to show her mother’s shirt.

Louise showed the shirt to his father, and she said with an angry voice, "what is this?", 

Her father answered Louise, “why are you wasting time! Tomorrow is your first day of school, have you already packed your staff?”

Louise repeated again “"what is this!"

“all can I see is an old ugly shirt!” her father answered with an irritated voice.

So suddenly Louise went upstairs, she quickly grabbed her things and her mother’s old box and ran away from home. Louise did not know where to go, she didn’t have anyone, she was lonely, she didn’t a family or a friend. So, she called a taxi. 

After waiting for twenty minutes, the taxi finally came,

“Excuse me Miss, where can I take her today?” The taxi-man asked.

“Airport!” Louise answered with an anxious voice.

After a forty-five minutes’ drive they arrived at the airport. 

Louise got out of the taxi and immediately took a flight to London, because one of the family’s houses were there.

Louise was exhausted, she grabbed her phone to let someone know where she was, but she didn’t have anyone to call or to text, in that moment she regrated all the times when in her old school people wanted to be friends with her, but she always rejected them. So, Louise grabbed her house’s keys from her fancy Chanel bag. When she set foot in that house, everything was neat and clean, as if someone lived there, even though she knew that her house was inhabited. After a long day, Louise went to sleep in her comfortable large bed. But suddenly Louise heard footsteps, so she quickly grabbed the lamp that was standing above the bedside table and started walking on tiptoe. Louise was ready to give a blow to anyone who was inside her house. All of a sudden, she hears a young woman saying 

“Who are you? And why you are in my property?”.


Louise answered with a dominant voice

“Who are you? This is my house! What are you talking about?”.

The young girl said

“Ok first thing first, my name is Maxine, and my dear this is my house, I have the keys!”

“I have the keys too” Louise answered with a thoughtful voice.

So, Maxine grabbed her phone, and the photo that was on Maxine’s screen caught Louise’s attention, it was a photo of Maxine and Louise’s father.

“Why do you have a picture with my father?” Louise asked impatiently 

“What do you mean? That’s my loved father!”, Maxine answered 

The two girls looked at each other as if they though the same thing at the same time.

So, they quickly grabbed their things, they called a taxi and went back to Paris. 

They looked at each other and they rang the bell of that huge house. Suddenly Louise father opened the door. 

“You had a second life since I was a child?”.

May 17, 2020 02:22

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2 comments

Mustard Sauce
19:58 May 28, 2020

I really liked your story. It moved at a quick pace but it was still easy to keep track of events. This may have been on purpose but I would recommend having different sentance structures for when you described Louise. For example, you put a lot of sentances that started with "Louise had". I still thought that the way you described her was very detailed and I could picture her in my mind. The plot twist was amazing, I absolutely loved it.

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Crystal Lewis
05:50 May 26, 2020

I like your descriptions of Louise and wow she had a secret sister! Just a small tip to make your story easier to read, make sure to add in some more paragraphs to help break the story up into smaller, more readable bits. :)

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