Phantosmia

[NOTE: LANGUAGE]

It's too late.

This is unreasonable.

Why am I doing this to myself?

A whine, creak, and drawn moan open to the wafting of day-old bleach, burnt sugar, and stale beer. The ramble is piercing, and the clanks aren't in rhythm with the chatter or the lyrics. Shouts take on various notes as each cluster harmonizes in their conversations. Until I entered.

This is dread.

This is hell.

Fresh oil, sizzling on cast iron, passes by and lingers in the humid air, creating a gust of hickory smoked tobacco that tickled my nose. Only the clanks and lyrics remained. The hairs on my neck stood to attention, and the heat radiating from my face could betray me. The silence felt longer than it should. I'm distracted by the stickiness of the floor. My shoe struggles and tears away; I skip and trip forward instead of slipping. The room erupts.

"CONGRATULATIONS SHAY!"

Lavender, Lemon, and Lillies disrupt the noise and squeeze me tight.

Why is my mother here?

"Look at your ears! We really must've got you!”

Where did everyone go?

Something's ringing and warbles through my ears, wooshing. I feel pulled upright, pushed, and patted, but everything is blurred. Sweet liquor and garlic are blown in my face as Truce Holle grabs my shoulders and pulls me close. Their uncontrolled spit uncomfortably cools my ear.

"Surprise, bitch."

I was sure this was a nightmare, or I'd died. I specifically opted out of parties in my Accommodation Requests. I'm pulled away. The liquor and garlic are replaced by the familiar melody of hops, mint, and cedarwood. I wonder how my boyfriend found out about this party. Deni knows how much I hate work.

"Why is everyone here?! What's happening?! Where…where did my mother go?!"

My nose pressed against his muscular chest, his steady, calm heart relieving my scattered thump. The upbeat mix of rowdy and ethereal music pumps from speakers in the ceiling. He was the only one I could understand.

"What?! Hey! Are you okay?! Kinda looked like you passed out! Why'd you agree to this anyway?! I had a few before you came! It's weird, right?! They used your emergency contact to call me!"

What the hell is he talking about?

"What?! My head is killing me! Can we - Can we go outside?!"

"Babe? Sure! Come on!"

Deni grabs my hand to lead us toward the back door, flinching at the frigid burn that radiates from my fingertips. He squeezes my hand tighter to warm it and pushes through the nauseating, drunken sea of perspiring co-workers and plus ones. I could smell fresh watermelon from a breeze I didn't understand, but it was immediately replaced with wet rot and menthol smoke. Deni had swung the back door open and rushed us through clouds of smokers and lines of dumpsters to the end of the vacant alleyway next door. Fresh asphalt had been laid nearby; the gas station at the corner was expanding its lot. The tar, gas, and trash mixture swelled my head, more than keeping pace with Deni's broad strides.

"I’ll be right back. Stay there.”

“Where are you going?”

My voice sounded like a faint whisper; the ringing grew louder in my ears before fading again.

What is happening to me?

Deni quickly disappeared into the shadows; after a moment, I could hear a curse and an echoed clang. I lean against the brick and methodically gulp to keep the acidic bile down. I haven’t eaten since yesterday. The stress has been killing me. Deni and his sister Jade have been so sweet through the medication adjustments, extra appointments, and overtime. We’ve been together five years, yet I still never expected to trust someone so much. To have two people care about me.

This job is the only way I can afford my treatments, but I feel eaten alive. I should have never accepted the new project with Truce on the team. I should’ve known something was off when I got that urgent text that the client and lead needed the updated contracts brought to their unscheduled dinner meeting. Truce has hated me since the new boss transferred half of their unfinished Initiatives to me. When I finished Truce’s months of back work - within the week - I saved multiple contracts threatening to expire and cut ties. I received a much-needed bonus that month, but now Truce and their brainwashed goons won’t leave me alone.

The silence grew longer. I couldn’t remember how long Deni had been gone. I could hear metal scrapping behind footsteps that grew louder. The migraine had reemerged and stabbed at my temples. My hands and feet were in a cold sweat while my ears burned and began to ring again. I felt like I was going to pass out. That same burnt sugar smell threatened to choke me. The walls felt as if they were closing in. I grab the wall and try to look toward the parking lot, but my knees buckle.

“Shit! Shay, sit down.”

Deni’s voice and peppermint breath roused me from the depths of sensory confusion. I feel myself slump, but something hard catches me.

“What am I…?”

“Just take a deep breath. Sorry, I saw these chairs and ran into the station to get you some water. That damn bar’s got no service or something. Where’s your phone? The monitor is sending alerts. Your pressure spiked like crazy. I called 911.”

“What? No, I’m fine. My phone? …I must’ve left it? I have to get them the contracts…wait…no, Truce set this all up.”

“You don’t look good, babe. Did you eat? Did you take your medicine? Here, drink this.”

Deni hands me an opened water bottle and unfolds his chair beside mine. The cool water sent a shiver down my spine. I didn’t realize how dry my mouth was, “Thank you. I-I just I don’t understand. How did my mom get there?”

It was so hard to think. Deni leaned closer and began to rub my back.

“Your mom? Shay…she died last year, remember? Just, um, try to relax. I don’t know what’s going on, but the ambulance will be here soon. I called Jade, too. She’s coming back just in case they won’t let me ride with you again.”

“What? Oh, wait...no, Jade's on a date with Alice. I-I’m just overwhelmed. I don’t need an ambulance. I don’t want them to see me like this… I can’t believe Truce did this to me.”

“Yeah, Jade said she’s coming to fuck her up. This is too far, Shay. I asked your boss if you mentioned anything because this goes against your accommodation. She seemed like genuinely surprised. She said Truce told them about some exception form you submitted when you returned from hospital leave. She assumed you beat cancer or something. Truce made it seem like it was a good idea. Where the hell is that ambulance?”

I could no longer stop the tears from overflowing and tried to immediately wipe them away.

“I can’t stand this Den...”

“I know. I’m so sorry, Bub. It’s going to be okay. Just try to rest until they get here.”

Deni squeezes my shoulder and kisses my clammy forehead, leaning his head gently against mine. His earthy scent once again saved me from the creeping smell of death that threatened to clog my nostril and unleash a torrent of watery vomit. Various sirens sounded in the distance; it was hard to tell which were moving closer. The bar alleyway erupts with muffled shouts and a blast of music that quickly cuts off.

“Jade just texted; she’s almost here. The lady said they were fifteen minutes out, so they’ll be here soon. We’ll follow right behind you. I think I hear one getting close. Stay here. I’m just going around the corner to wave them down.”

“Wait Den…”

“It’s okay. Jade should be pulling in. I don’t want them to miss us.”

Deni rushes around the corner. The gas station floodlights, tossing his shadow across the empty lot as he runs to the sidewalk. Another shadow suddenly slashes across Deni’s as I hear the familiar clonk and scrape of chunky heels walking towards me from the direction of the bar. There was someone with them. I listened to them giggle before they turned the corner, and a rage I hadn’t known since childhood became unhinged within me. My greatest life disappointment coming to bear: that high school never ends. Unfortunately, the adrenaline rush sent my head and stomach into a tailspin.

Why is this happening to me?

“Oh my gawd, there you are! Can’t believe you actually came.” Truce chuckles in a slurred, passive tone, spilling some of their drink while moving closer with our co-worker Candice.

“You don’t look too healed to me, girl. You alright, Shay?”

Candice moved from around Truce. She was only awful to me when Truce was around, but Candice seemed drunk enough to not notice her empathy was showing. Truce lights a cigarette and blows a thick stream of smoke my way.

“Jesus. She’s fine, Candy. It’s just another drama.”

I contemplate throwing up on them but know I’d feel guilty afterward. Headlights light us up and dim before we hear a car thump into the lot and come to a stop. I try to listen to what Deni yells in the distance.

“Just leave me alone, please. I cannot right now.”

“I cannot with you ever.”

“I gotta pee, Tru. I’m going inside.”

“Whatever Hoe. I’m finishing my cigarette.”

Candice quickly turns away, throwing me a brief cowardly glance of remorse, as Truce scoffs at her and turns back to me. I can hear the ambulance sirens hit the pothole at the gas station turn. A new shadow casts itself across the pavement and bobbles toward us.

Please be Jade.

“Why can’t you just leave me alone. Like I’m nothing but cordial to you, Truce. How did you get my information anyway? You haven’t detailed with HR for what four years? I have never filed an exemption form.”

“You just think you know it all. That’s your damn problem. Got everyone up yo sick ass, but you’re still out here with everyone else!”

“What are you even talking about?! Fu-”

“YOU BITCH!”

I felt the bile shoot up my throat. I tried to choke it down, but it projected directly onto Truce’s bare legs and shoes. Truce screeches and tosses their drink in my face. I hear my name from the parking lot as the area is flooded with flashing lights. There is another shout coming from behind Truce that startles us both. I jumped from the stool too fast; the fruity vodka burned my eyes, and the bitter vomit burned my throat, but everything in me wanted to choke Truce Holle. Someone grabs my shoulder to sit me back down, and I hear Jade’s shout near my ear.

“YO! The fuck you just do! No, I don’t care! I’ll drop you right here!”

“Jade…don’t.”

A part of me wanted her to tear Truce apart, but I didn’t want to see Jade in trouble for me at any cost, especially not over this. The ambulance pulled in and parked near the alleyway. A small crowd came out of the bar to see what the commotion was about, including our new boss, followed by Candice, who pointed us out to her and stayed back - trying to blend in with the group. Unaware of the audience behind them, Truce lets out an agitated, screeching roar before going on a tirade.

“AHHHHUURRRGGGgggg!! Who the hell are you! Do you know who I am! THIS CANCEROUS WHORE DESERVES MORE THAN A VODKA BATH! SHE RUINS EVERYTHING! EV-ERY-THANG! BITCH THINKS SHE MAKES MOTHER MARY LOOK BAD! THESE FUCKING IDIOTS GIVING YOU ALL THIS STUPID ASS PRAISE! YOU DON’T HAVE HALF OF WHAT I HAVE IN MY GODDAMN LIFE!”

“SWING BITCH!”

“Jade! Calm down!”

“Holle! What the hell do you think you’re doing?!”

Deni ran up to grab Jade’s arm before she lunged as our boss leaped in front of Truce. I can hear the crowd of co-workers chant their intoxicated disappointment as others voice their shock. The scene went by so fast, and everything became so loud. The sirens blared, the paramedics rushed in, the crowd jeered, cheered, the tar, gas, trash, liquor, moisture, the ringing in my head, my ears, and my body! I couldn’t take it any longer. I felt myself explode, and I couldn’t control the blaze.

“STOP! STOP! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP! STOP! STOP!”

“Shit. Shay, Shay, baby. It’s okay.”

“Okay! Move away! Give us some space! Move away!”

“STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP! STOP! STOP!”

“Ms. Fielder, Ms. Fielder, I’m going to need you to try and calm down. Get her on the stretcher, give me the sedative.”

“Be careful with her!”

“Shay, it’s going to be okay!”

“SHE’S FUCKING FAKING!”

“GET THEM OUT OF HERE!”

“STOP IT! STOP IT! PLEASE! Stop…stop…D-Den.”

The world goes dark.

------ Three Weeks Later ------

I can’t wait to get out of here.

The clank and squeals of the wheelchair being brought into the room gave me hope. I couldn’t wait to escape the constant beeps, squeaks, pokes, and prods. I wanted my bed. Deni finishes putting on my shoes before helping me down into the chair. I reach out for my bags, but he hangs them from the handles and hands me the discharge papers from the nurse instead.

“Let’s go. Jade’s bringing the car around. Alice is waiting for us at home.”

We weave through the halls, towards the elevators, when my anxiety boils over.

“So what did she say?”

“You had multiple strokes, Shay. You are a damn miracle. You gotta stop stressing about it.”

“Den, please, I’m finally starting to feel like myself. Tell me exactly what she said.”

“Fine…Like I told you, they’re taking care of the hospital stay, and a bunch of people donated their leave, so you’ve been covered there, too. She said Truce had been fired since it was technically a work event when Truce allocated funds for it. They’re looking to pursue legal action for assault at the workplace, violating privacy policies, and possible fraud. That’s basically everything.”

I felt like I could breathe for the first time in months. Deni can see me visibly relax, and he rubs my shoulders, kissing me on the forehead as the elevator heads down to the parking garage.

I love this man.

“Do you remember when you said it would be easier if you were my husband?”

Deni whips around as the elevator door opens and drops to his knee. The doors begin to beep as his foot blocks the sensor. All I could do was smile down at him. I’ve known for a while that he kept a ring in his pocket. I didn’t want to burden him more than I felt I had, but he’s never failed me. My mom and I only got close in those last few years. I never felt like I had a family until Deni and Jade. I didn’t want that to end. Ever.

“Shay Fielder, will you marry me?”

“Yes, please.”

----- Epilogue -----

The engine hums and clicks as the broken AC recycles the aged scents of mustiness, corn chips, cigarettes, and a Strawberry Sunrise air freshener. The radio a mumble in the background before the faint beats of a pop song begin.

In bitter disgust, Truce takes another swig from their flask as they watch Shay, Jade, and Deni celebrating and hugging before getting in their car. Truce has been camping out at the hospital for the past week, waiting for the right moment. The plan popped into Truce’s mind the moment they fired them.

When Truce sees them coming their way, they quickly duck down and rummage through the trash under their seat until they pass. Putting the car in drive, Truce slowly pulls out to follow them, glancing with a smirk at the gun in their passenger seat.

“Surprise, bitch.”