Pure lavender

“Wake up. Heyyy, wake uuup”

“Please”

It was blurry, I pushed her body, tried to shake her up.

There were people around me, holding me, trying to pull me away from her. I can see them yelling so hard, but I couldn't hear anything, as if everything had gone silent. 

“Wait”

What was that sensation? The smell of lavender smell coated my body.

I recognized this smell, it felt familiar, it felt like something in a distant past yet something that my brain wanted to feel.

It is emanating from her, I remember it now, I remember it all, the memory of every single time when I had sensed it, exploded in my mind. 

I remember everything.

She passed by me while talking to her friends. I just froze in that moment, her hair smelt like young coconut, the smell of wood coming from the leather sling bag on her shoulder. Her persona smelt like Lavender, which was addictive in its own way, which my brain made synonymous with her, .

The sheer happiness turned into sadness, when I saw her with him, like the odor of rotten eggs. Why did he get to be with her, it almost made me feel rejected, reminded me of the roses, which I gave to my high school crush. His presence smelt like melting plastic, it felt like I could smell the sweat coming out of me, it made me angry

“Hiii , do you have a minute?”

She wanted some help with an assignment. We talked over a call where I helped her the entire night while communicating on an audio call. Her voice had the fresh aroma of lemon, like I was on a dose of caffeine and couldn’t get tired. 

“Thanks, for tolerating me the entire night. You have a lot of patience”

I tried to act cool, letting her know that anyone would do this for her. I knew not everyone would do that for her, and I wanted to hear that from her.

I never had better sleep than the one after that conversation, calm and relaxed but restless and excited, at the same time. It felt like the fragrance of Vanilla.

Speaking of Vanilla, it reminded me of that time when I was eating ice cream while travelling back from an amazing movie. It was the time when I made my first move towards her. 

I was happy, inspired, and amazed by the movie. I was thinking about it, wanted to talk about it, I wanted to talk about it to the person I love, It felt like the smell of peppermint, I felt energetic, and bold, and didn’t care about anything other than talking to her. I was attracted to calling her, like the fruity smell of an oasis in a desert, which was pulling me towards her.

“Hey”

I talked my heart out, could not tell how I felt about her, but talked openly about the movie. I spoke without worrying about impressing her. The feeling was like being in a garden full of grown jasmines, the smell of happiness and excitement swirled around me, removing any other feelings, as they were the only two emotions in life.

She walked by me, my nose recognized the smell of lavender, the addictive smell of her persona filled the empty flat, mixing with the smell of disinfectant, used to clean the flat before I moved in. 

She was the first person whom I wanted to show my new flat, the first person whom I wanted to show my new life, my new life after graduation. Her smell was pure and not corrupted with the melting plastic. He had not been near her life for a long time, I wanted to know whether I would ever get his smell again. 

“He is on a trip with his parents, probably will be back next month“

A breadth of independence, like freshly grounded coffee beans, gripped my body.

I could spend time with her, I didn't have to worry or think about him interrupting us. 

Maybe she will forget about him, maybe he will find someone else, maybe the long distance will make them realize that they don’t love each other. 

After all, she meant to be with me, that is why destiny sent him away from us, to get her closer to me. I was confident, like the smell of orange which swirled around me.

However, I could not have made a move on her, or tell her how I felt about her, I guess she never gave me any hints as well. 

But I made progress, she was comfortable around me, she knew me, it smelt like tea or white flower and it was hope.

“Don’t you worry, my mother is a doctor, she will help your father”

She was there for me and helped my dad, when he was sick. She was communicating on call, I could sense the tensed voice, her restlessness in calling her mother as if it was something urgent, she cared about my problem and considered it hers. She was so reliable, that I felt relaxed, like the smell of whisky while listening to country music. 

I was upset, looking at the computer screen made me sick. It was as if someone put a nail in my head and kept hitting it. The bad review from my manager screwed my promotion. He said I didn’t deserve it, like he saw my work with a microscope and knew every detail of what I went through. I knew I was wronge he was wrong when he said I couldn’t focus. How could this happen to me, I had seen her face in my mobile, first thing in the morning. She was my lucky charm, nothing could have gone wrong, if she was with me. I had her wallpaper on all the walls of my room. 

She was like the air I breathe, essential for me, around me, with me all the time. 

“Everything will be alright, I know they have wronged you, you work so hard”

She knew about me, understood me, and cared about me more than anyone. She felt like the smell of sandalwood, warm and soothing.

He was about to come back in about 10 days. 

I needed to do something which would have glued us together, 

something which would have made her mine.

Maybe a gift, a gift which will remind her of me, which will remind her about us. The time we spent, the love we shared, the care we have, something which smells like love, something which smells like me.

I came up with an expensive gift, which I couldn’t afford, so I decided to buy it on EMI. As I took the gifted her, she said no, she rejected the gift. She was surprised and didn’t want the gift.

“Why would you give gift me, it is not my birthday”

Maybe she didn’t want me to gift her anything. May be, she didn’t want me. May be it was a delusion, where I thought she loved me.

No, no.

It feels like I am lost, not sure what to say. It felt like the smell of roses again, rejected. 

No, she must have been confused because I didn’t have a cause for the gift. 

Yes, that is the reason. How will she understand what I meant when I have not told her, that I love her?

The feeling of freshness, like I just woke up after a full sleep, went into my lungs. I did not feel confused anymore as it felt like I could reach the end of the rainbow, something difficult to reach, but I could and was about to. 

I tucked my shirt to show my chest muscles, it felt like extra air in my lungs. The air was blowing perfectly to set my hair almost perfectly. I grabbed the gift, which I was about to give along with my proposal. I was about to let her know, what she meant to me.

“Do you want me to cook something for you because I am in the perfect mood”

My body trembled, almost reacting to the weird smell, it was familiar, it was something, I never wanted to smell again. It was him, he was back, he came in early. 

It doesn’t matter because I have already placed myself in her heart.

She is just being nice to him, but sooner she will let him know about me. 

“Want to binge-watch, we can watch whatever you like”

The heat of sunlight had turned to a cold and dark night. I didn't even remember how long it had been, 8 hours, maybe 10 hours. She had not said anything about me, why my name had not popped up, even a single time. They had been talking for hours. 

Suddenly, I realized that I had lost her smell, that I couldn’t sense it, that I couldn’t sense anything I used to when I was with her. Lavender, coconut, vanilla, grounded coffee beans, jasmine, and whisky, I smelt nothing. 

I had lost her.

The restlessness, that uneasiness, I didn't like it and did not want to feel that way. It felt like black paint in front of my eyes, my happiness, my emotions, my good memories and my life with her. 

I couldn't tolerate the pain in my chest, I wanted to yell, I wanted to scream. I wanted to save myself, I wanted someone to save me. Why was it happening to me, it was not fair, I had done everything I could. I tried to be a good, helpful, and caring person. I even used my dad’s sickness to get her sympathy. I wished to be with her every day, after I looked at her picture, as good luck. I showed how much I prioritized her by buying a gift, I couldn’t afford. 

“Why? Tell me. 

Wake up, heyy.

Let go of me, I want to speak to her”

“Get the hell away from her, you murderer. She can’t speak because you killed her”

Now I understand why my brain wanted to sense this, why my nose wanted to smell the lavender. After all, I wanted to be with her, I wanted her to accept my gift and I wanted her to be mine. I wanted to remove the scent of that man from her and make her pure again. 

It was a little different than the future I imagined, but I am happy that in her final moments she was with me. Even though she tried to catch her breath, she smelt like pure lavender again.