Behind Forgotten Walls

1988

It was the summer of 1988 the summer I turned 15 one week before my birthday. It was the summer Zachariah Fletcher was driven to the hospital, the sirens waking up the whole town. By the next morning he was pronounced dead. Zachariah Fletcher was not still my brother and he killed himself. I was the one who found him foam coming out of his mouth vomit on the floor all around him. My brother had overdosed.i never thought he would end up like this in all the years i've known him and i never noticed a thing. It never struck me you would be this way do this.im sorry for not being a good sister. I'm sorry for everything for you to go through all that pain by yourself.i'll never know what it's like to be you to feel your pain and now it's too late for me to understand. I hope that wherever you are, you found a little bit of peace. Because that's what you really wanted isn't it? 

Summer of 1988 Zachariah

Today isn't a good day. It may be my last. You never know, it has taken me over today. I can feel it closing in on me, people are looking at me and I'm not ok. Any minute now the lunch bell will go  off and crowds of people will be everywhere. Mirabelle isn't here today, she's sick today. So I'll be sitting alone with everyone staring at me or is that just my imagination because it's not like anyone is actually going to give a shit about me right? It's better if people don't care about me than pity me.seeing people laugh around me with their beautiful faces looking content and full im jealous.i could just see them go back to their happy families and smile looking forward to something in their lives. 

I spent an hour getting ready

Straightening my hair

I wore my best outfit

I used half a bottle of expensive cologne

All for her.

All the girls were staring at me

But not him

She Doesn't even care so why do I even bother?

I start to walk home after school with tears streaming down my face but I don't feel sad, just numb. I can't feel much to be honest. Where is mirabelle? I need her. It feels like a stab of pain. My knees buckle and I brake down and put my knees up to my chest while crying my eyes out. Sore and puffy I walked through the front door and called out to Mirabelle but nobody came, no Mirabelle no one. I took the only option I had. But why couldn't there be a second option? I reached for the pills and swallowed them all at once. After I took the pills my heart started beating rapidly. I was excited to finally reach Nana and Grandad finally some peace. I lay in my bed watching the walls move from side to side and my heart was pounding. It felt like someone was lying next to me. I tried  to reach for them but only air touched my finger tips.  My temperature was fluctuating so fast i could hardly manage to mumble a few words.my stomach felt like i was going to vomit any second hand fall asleep at the same time.i ended up passing out my phone still on , my hot chocolate and cookies still sitting on the table next to me untouched. This would be the way I'd like to be  found by someone, anyone but mirabelle. But it was her.

1989 mirabelle

It's one year after one year since my brother overdosed. I went to his room. Everytime i come into this room the room where it happened i feel suffocated. After one year passed and his room looks exactly the same his computer sitting in the same place as last years you would never know that he was gone.i was pulled towards his bed like  a magnet.i sat on the bed and stayed their looking around at his room from his dead houseplants to his empty desk sitting their all lonely without zachariah sitting there. I am lying in his bed, curled up beneath the sheets with my brother. Its raining outside.

“Are u asleep Mirabelle?”he says

“I'm just so sorry”i say “i wish i could of saved you”

“Goodnight mirabelle” he whispers before he looks into my face.

Suddenly i hear a voice

“Mirabelle are you talking to yourself again?” i hear dad shout through the door

I silently sob as I hold my pillow close.

I stood on the edge of the roof. As the wind howled and swept my hair to the side cold and salty tears fell down my cheek.there was a boy standing at the bottom his dark curls swept behind his ear.i was ready to jump i looked at you hoping he'd  try to stop me.he looked at me and shouted something i couldn't hear. I wanted someone to help tell me to stop but no one was.i had made my decision thinking of my brother i thought killing himself was not selfish it's actually one of the most selfless things a person can do he sacrificed himself because he was not feeling well he felt like he was not worthy i just wish i could of showed him how much worth he is.their is always a second option. And that stranger just showed it to me.a bizarre furling of grief and motivation came over me.while i don't know what my brother felt i know a bit of what it feels like to be swallowed by darkness to feel like you never are enough. I ran down the building and embraced the stranger because everyone needs a hug sometimes.he was their to guide me through this even though he just shouted one word at me.he told me it would all be ok.and i just embraced him for ages.everyone needs someone to tell them it will be ok the embrace them i just wish that could of been me for my brother. So whilst this is not my story to speak.

Its a message to say your not alone

You are not worthless

You are more than enough

And even on our darkest days

Sometimes the sun will rise again.

Time resets 

Your story can be renewed.

-from someone who's struggling themselves to hope you're ok.