Why Don't They?

I dare not look behind me. I know it’s still there. I can hear the breathing. That and the desperate pounding of my heart in my head, knocking loudly to be let in. My mind raced. Anything would be better than letting that have a say. I had to find something to focus on. I glanced about. 

The weather has been terrible recently. Pouring rain, frigid winds, for the last two weeks I’ve hardly gone outside for fear of losing feeling in my fingers or slipping in the mud. The dog didn’t even like it, and she’d been one to take off and end up two fields away trying to play with a neighbor. Instead we settled on me cleaning up the occasional mess of hers, instead of the muddy paw prints and hassle of getting two more layers on for a two minute walk. I can’t believe I even subjected her to that. Two weeks we’d been locked up with that thing. She was at my side now, whimpering, looking behind me. Don’t let it get to me, don’t invite it in, I can’t look at it. ‘Please’ I willed her to ignore it as I was, ‘walk with me’. She lunged backwards against the leash. I tugged her back to my feet.

What was that? It said something, just then. Was it to the dog? My head turned a fraction, before reason snapped it forward. 

Just… breath. Calm down. Think of what you’ve been through. It’s hung over you like a curse for god knows how long. A chronic illness would be more appropriate. My reason for calling off plans, my reason for the medications I take, heck, my reason for more than one hospital visit. I couldn’t take it any more, the ticket was in my hand, the way out was right there. Why couldn’t I just walk through it? Because it didn’t want me to, that’s why. 

My shoulders ached from how much I’d been shaking, and, like an old engine, they shuddered to life again. My vision blurred. I could feel, in that open doorway, the cold bite at the streaks on my face. I clasped my hands in front of me, trying to steel my own resolve. I’d lied and said it’d be easy, but no, I knew deep down it was the hardest thing I’d ever have to do, and it was becoming more impossible by the minute. The wind urged me back inside, to the warmth, and to the hatred, and pain, and suffering. It was just behind me now, waiting for me to come to my senses, I could feel its overbearing pressure. 

I was racking myself with sobs. I hadn’t felt this helpless since I was a child. Below the waist I was frozen stiff, above the waist I doubled over into my own arms. Why can’t I just do this one thing right? For my own sake? I’d heard and seen a million other people ask the same question of me and others like me. Why can’t I? Why don’t I?

I felt it’s hand on my back then. My spine fell in line, setting me straight against its touch. I caught the air in my throat and began to choke on it. I focused on my car, in front of me in the dark. It was on, fueled up, loaded with what little I had. Its headlights glared at me, waiting. I wanted nothing more than to sprint to it, dive through its window, be rid of this chapter of my life and to start the next one. Its engine rumbled, questioning. I didn’t have an answer.

“Where will you go?” it asked. I knew it was a loaded question. Any information it could gather, it would use against me. Either to find me, or to prevent my getting lost in the first place. I kept my mouth shut. It was the only skill I had learned and practiced throughout its prevalence in my life. And yet, even that felt herculean.

The dog whined, and snapped its teeth in an anxious yawn. We’d been each others only refuge throughout this experience. I took such a risk in getting her a year ago, and I felt so bad for the abuse she’d been through since then, and all just to provide me with some semblance of a friend. Now I was saddled with the burden of her not letting me leave, or what could happen to her if I left her behind. 

I dropped the leash. I couldn’t let myself lose this opportunity. If she doesn’t have the nerve to follow me, then I have to give her up, too. She walked up to it, but it didn’t care. It only wanted me. I took one big stride over the threshold and out the door.

I heard the door shut behind me, as I finally breathed out with a cry. I skipped every other porch step in front of me, not caring if I slipped, because I was free. At the bottom, I turned on the path to my car.

I heard footsteps following quickly down behind me.

Before I could even think, my head snapped to look at him. Self-hatred boiled up inside me for being so stupid. He froze when our eyes met, but we both knew it was already over. There was nothing more I could do now. We just had to play it out, the same way we’d done it before. Fake tears rested in his eyes, and his lips quivered as his arms opened, inviting me in. It was all I could do to not move. Big flakes were starting to fall between us.

He took a step towards me. My body took a step back. He paused.

“Now, Mary, don’t be scared of me” he said, as if he hadn’t given me plenty of reason to be. He took another step forward, and I couldn’t outpace him. He caught me in a hug.

“Don’t hate me, Mary” he whispered “I couldn’t live with myself if you hated me. I love you so much.”

“I love you too, Dad.”