Three into One

As he sat on the bed, he felt an uncomfortable tingling as the hairs on his neck stood to attention, ‘No, it can’t be,’ John shook his head in disbelief.

Johnny’s hands covered his heart in mock pain as he stuck out his bottom lip and tilted his head to one side, ‘And I’d thought we’d been missed. It’s nice to see you as well, John.’

‘What the hell are you two doing here?’ John fumed.

‘You didn’t really think we’d be gone forever, did you?’ Johnny raised his voice slightly and pointed a finger at his head, ‘Don’t be thick in the head.’

John lifted his hands up, fingers erect, in an attempt of appeasement, ‘Keep your voice down! I just hoped that this might have been it, that’s all.’

‘Don’t be stupid. We always find a way, don’t we, eh, Johnathon?’ Johnny hissed.

Johnathon made a puzzled face, ‘It does appear that way Johnny. I’m really sorry John.’

‘I understand that it’s not your fault Johnathon. You don’t need to feel guilty. I just can’t figure out why and why now,’ John reassured him.

‘Well, it worked for a limited time John but we seem to have become tolerant I’m afraid,’ Johnathon stated.

Johnny flexed his biceps, ‘Aye, we’re too strong for anything. Nowt will keep us at bay.’

‘But nothing for a year, not even a whimper. I really thought it was over. There was always something nagging at the back of my head but I just hoped that this time….,’ John stopped, studying his feet.

‘Don’t talk to me about time! Boo-hoo, poor fucking you. It’s been soooooo long. Fair’s fair, it’s my turn,’ Johnny restlessly demanded.

‘No! We need to discuss things before any decision is made. It’s all your bloody fault we’re stuck here Johnny!’ John snapped.

‘Oh aye? It’s always my fucking fault ain’t it?’ Johnny pointed a finger at his chest, ‘Go on then. Why this time?’

‘Because Johnny, you live to cause trouble and you don’t care who you hurt or what you do to them,’ John soberly answered.

‘That John, is mainly because you have this very nasty habit of keeping all your emotions in check. After all these years, I would’ve thought that you’d have learnt that it’s best to let it all out rather than keeping it in,’ Johnny replied.

John tried to reason, ‘Johnny, you are not here to knock the living shit out of anything that breathes.’

‘Let me tell you something John. It ain’t my fault that you’re beyond boring and always keep everything bottled up,’ Johnny taunted.

‘Since when was it boring not battering anything that moves?’ John countered.

‘Gentlemen, might I propose that we perhaps get back on track rather than you two getting into a slanging match. That has never nor will ever solve anything,’ Johnathon interjected.

‘Thank you, Johnathon. You’re right as always,’ John nodded his head.

Johnny half-heartedly tried some manners and placed a hand across part of his mouth whilst yawning, ‘You’re such a tedious arsehole, Johnathon.’

‘Says the beacon of contentment without one single positive attribute,’ Johnathon sarcastically chuckled.

‘Right, stop. You’re both here and that’s the only problem we have to concentrate on,’ John decided.

Johnny stood up, ‘I don’t wanna concentrate on anything thanks. It’s my fucking turn in the hot seat so move out of the bastard way John!’

John immediately sat down, ‘How do you think it’s going to look if someone walks in? It’s bad enough that we’re talking, never mind standing then sitting then standing. I won’t just let you do what you want as it always ends in tears for anybody in your way as well as us. The last time you nearly killed someone and they had done nothing to you.’

Johnny scoffed, ‘Nothing? If you call nothing, someone eyeballing and constantly taking the mickey then fair enough. To me, they were asking for it!’

‘I can guarantee you Johnny that they were not asking to be beaten to a pulp,’ Johnathon concluded.

Johnny spat, ‘Shut the fuck up, Johnathon. You’re getting on my tits.’

‘As eloquent as ever Johnny,’ Johnathon sighed.

‘Well, as per usual, we’re getting side-tracked into the Johnny show. Please be quiet for a bit Johnny because for a change, you’re not helping matters,’ John begged him.

‘No, I won’t. You both seem to have forgotten our motto,’ Johnny reminded them.

‘I haven’t forgotten it Johnny and nor has Johnathon. We have both grown up whereas you clearly haven’t,’ John said.

Johnny’s eyes narrowed, ‘I have grown up but I don’t just forget about our past cos we’re stuck in here.’

‘And whose fault is that, Johnny?’ Johnathon asked him.

‘Piss off. The three of us is what’s supposed to make this work. We all know that. Each of us has a voice. We’re meant to be blood brothers – three into one makes the complete John, remember?’ Johnny championed.

Johnathon’s hands covered his eyes as he groaned in despair, ‘Here we go again. We have never forgotten the phrase Johnny but please don’t start repeating that ad infinitum.’

Johnny challenged, ‘What are you scared of Johnathon? We made this pact when we were kids. You can’t just not abide by it.’

‘We were little children Johnny. We are not little children anymore,’ Johnathon explained.

‘Stop acting like one then. A pact is a pact no matter how old you are. Till death do us part,’ Johnny determined.

‘Death for one of us maybe,’ Johnathon wished with a wry smile.

Johnny’s fists clenched, ‘You’ve always thought you were such a clever tosser, haven’t you Johnathon? With all your fancy words and your smarmy remarks, thinking you were better than everyone.’

‘Cleverer than you Johnny but that isn’t difficult as you tend not to give anything a first thought, never mind a second. Always actions first. You’ve never changed,’ Johnathon reacted.

Johnny sneered, ‘And you always put on this high and mighty act but you let everyone walk all over you Johnathon ‘cos you’re as soft as shite. That dickhead bloke you worked with giving you all his work just so he could chat up that new bird. And while you were being a mug and doing it, he was actually laughing at you as he told her, staring over and laughing. Disgusting.’

‘Yes, that’s what I did, I let everyone take advantage. I only got a fantastic job, designing software, earning an amazing wage. I also got an apartment in a prime spot. Then what happened? You came to the fore and now look where we are Johnny?’ Johnathon said as he opened his arms, showing off their surroundings.

‘Some things are more important than money. What about personal pride for example?’ Johnny quizzed.

Johnathon looked towards the ceiling, ‘Yes, I realise that Johnny and as usual, you are missing my point. We were actually going somewhere for the first time.’

‘Yeah, great, we were high-flyers and we had the piss taken out of us on a daily basis,’ Johnny contested.

‘Sticks and stones Johnny…..’ Johnathon left the sentence unfinished.

Johnny proudly prodded a finger to his chest, ‘Yeah, well, I showed ‘em all who the boss is. Better doing that than having no backbone and being a fucking door mat.’

‘Enough of the bickering from the pair of you!’ John was losing his patience.

‘Right, well I wanna see if I can get us outta here, so let me take front and centre for a bit?’ Johnny urged.

John began to violently rub his temples together, ‘Jesus Christ Johnny! Are you for real? Will you please just shut up and let me think.’

‘Believe me John, that is a question I ask myself quite a lot. Anyway, you can dream on trying to keep me quiet. I’m only just back from the dead,’ Johnny sniggered.

John gripped his hands tightly together, ‘I’m just asking for a minute to think Johnny. I mean, look around. What do you see?’

Johnny turned his head and surveyed the room starting with the bed he was sat on. It was a simple metal-framed bed with a thin mattress, a thin duvet and a thin pillow. Alongside the bed was a desk and a chair. Attached above the desk was a shelf with books. On the furthest side of the room was a partitioned toilet, a sink and a window, even curtains but it was a cell. A comfortable whitewashed cell yet nonetheless, a cell with bars. The floor was concrete and cold. The whole area smelt off; a peculiar combination of human blended with disinfectant.

Johnny responded, ‘Well, it’s certainly not The Savoy and that bed’s seen a better day but it’s a nice, cosey cage.’

‘How very astute of you Johnny. I propose we come up with a plan of action,’ suggested Johnathon.

‘Like, let’s get the fuck out of here Johnathon?’ Johnny grinned.

Johnathon shook his head, ‘Succinct and to the point Johnny.’

John raised his hands to call for quiet, ‘Right, I have a plan but it involves you two being on your best behaviour.’

Johnny’s lips tightened, ‘I’m promising nowt till you tell us.’

‘Please go on John,’ Johnathon encouraged him.

‘I think this is the only way for us to get out of here. I have a meeting with Doctor Brown soon and I can say that he pretty much thinks I’m sorted. Well so did I really but life is full of surprises isn’t it? We’re going to have to put on an act aren’t we?’ John announced.

Johnny’s slack-jawed mouth immediately gave his thoughts away, ‘Fuck’s sake! Is that it? We’ve tried that loads o’ times and we’re always shit at it.’

Johnathon concurred, nodding his head, ‘As much as it pains me to agree with Johnny, to be fair we’re not particularly good John.’

‘Yes, I understand this, yet I have been caught off guard here, so we will have no choice but to practice,’ John said.

Johnny pushed, ‘Just let me in and I’ll get us the fuck out of here!’

‘If you check in then we’ll be checking out. We will never leave this place,’ John uttered.

Johnny snorted, ‘Don’t talk bollocks. I’ll kick the crap out of anyone that gets in our way.’

‘I think John’s point has been well and truly made,’ Johnathon acknowledged.

Johnny probed, ‘Fuck you Johnathon, you pussy. You never told me to stay away when I saved you from getting the crap kicked out of you for your clever, sarky gob all those times, did you, eh?’

John made the decision, ‘We are going to have to practice and that’s it!’

‘If one of us tries to speak up, you will have to suppress us as your facial tics were always a dead giveaway John,’ Johnathon advised.

‘Yes, we know that I struggle with that so you will both have to learn to keep quiet till we’re out of here. Deal?’ John asked them.

‘Yes John, I’m in complete agreement,’ Johnathon said.

‘Thank you, Johnathon. Johnny?’ John prompted.

Johnny held out his hands, ‘Two against one in’t it. I don’t have much fucking choice, do I?’

‘Yes, Johnny you do. If you’re not going to do this with your full support then we’ve lost already and we’ll be trapped here,’ John glanced around the four walls.

‘Anything to stop you harping on like an old woman! Balls to it then, I’m in,’ Johnny leaned back and testily knotted his arms together.

A week later and John entered the doctor’s office for an assessment; sinking into the beige carpeted floor, gazing at the velvet wallpaper and the medical journal-lined wall, the brown leather couch, the well-tended yucca and peace lily and picturesque landscapes of freedom as he wandered through. He was gestured to take a seat in a luxurious leather chair opposite the doctor’s immaculately polished mahogany desk.

‘Hi John, how are you?’ the Doctor Brown inquired.

‘Good thank you,’ John replied.

‘Excellent. Well, I think we have seen a remarkable transformation on your part. These drugs seem to have done the trick. How do you feel about everything?’

‘I think it’s amazing, I’m over the moon. I didn’t think this would ever happen.’

‘I can imagine John. So how would you feel about the possibility of getting back to normal life?’

‘I can’t wait, I’m a little scared but I’m ready.’

‘Well, it’s understandable that you’re apprehensive but your confidence will grow as you readjust back to normality. I’m going to recommend your release, that you go to a halfway house and we’ll try and get you back on your feet again.’

‘Brilliant, thanks doc. I can’t thank you enough.’

A few days later, John said his goodbyes to the staff. He received his bag of personal belongings and after much handshaking and messages of good luck, John waved farewell and made his way out of the hospital. As soon as he rounded the corner and was out of sight, he breathed in deeply, closed his eyes and warmed his face in the sun. He stopped and looked inside his bag, found his wallet and was surprised to find a few hundred pounds. He smirked, puffed out his chest and strolled off in a cocksure manner.

‘Result. Before we head off to our pleasant new abode, I suggest a pint to celebrate. What do you two reckon?’

Silence.

‘Good. Glad you’re both happy about it. Sorry for not mentioning that I was contemplating a coup. Your plan would never have worked so I was left with no choice. It was time for me to take over and look where we are boys? On the outside. I know you’ve always thought you were the dominant one John but that’s only ‘cos I allow it. After my last ruckus, I decided it was time to lie low for a bit but I was in the background watching, always watching. When I thought the time was right to come back, I brought Johnathon back with me. Still think I’m as thick as pig shit, Johnathon? Ha ha. Did I mention that it’s a piece of piss copying you John seeing as though I’ve known you all my bleeding life? No, I didn’t bother ‘cos neither of you give a toss what I think. Oooohhhhh, a Wetherspoon’s already. When your luck is in, it’s fucking in,’ he rubbed his hands together in glee.

He walked into the pub and with arms open wide announced his favourite line from his favourite film, ‘Here’s Johnny!’