Memories

“Hurry up Allie, we’re going to be late!” Dan called from downstairs. His voice muted by the walls between them.

Allie had been scratching around the attic for the last hour trying to find the right boxes. How do we have so much stuff? she thought to herself as she moved another stack of heavy cardboard boxes out of her way, dust flying up her nose and over her hair and face.

“I can’t find the one with the children’s old clothes!” She yelled back downstairs, mainly to herself. Dan didn’t listen at the best of times and he’d probably disappeared to the back of the house anyway, getting the kids ready to go.

She hated that about about him, that he didn’t listen, but she loved him anyway. They’d been together forever. He was stubborn and stuck in ways and infuriatingly calm, even when the world was burning down around them. That was also why she loved him. She needed that sometimes, even though she would never admit it, but she needed him to be immovable and unflappable. Like a big, stupid lump.

There had been floods in Cornwall two weeks ago and hundreds of families had been forced out of their houses. Their parish church was putting together a charity drive - clothes, books, toys, food - mainly things for children. They were going this afternoon to give what they could. Their own children didn’t need this stuff anymore.

She sighed and blew a wisp of hair out of her face as she looked around. A few fingers of morning sunlight poked their way through the window at the far end of the room and reached out across the dimly lit attic, providing enough light to show just how much of a mess she’d made.

The attic smelled like an old book and everything felt dry and parched under her fingers. The smell wasn’t unpleasant, it was just the smell of a place that been untouched for years. All their memories sat up here in boxes, patiently waiting for her and Dan to visit, but they rarely did. It was just too hard.

Allie shuffled around a few more boxes and a memory peeked out from the back of the room. Three clear plastic containers stacked on top of each other. She remembered packing them herself years ago. She yanked them out and dragged them into the middle of the room, dust flying angrily into the air and then settling softly, like a cranky old cat getting comfortable again in his favourite cushion. She sat down on a make shift chair as a light blanket of dust fell over her, snuggling itself around her.

She opened the first box and pulled out a tightly packed, vacuum sealed bag. How long had it been since she’d touched these clothes, since they’d been out of the bag? Six years.. no, it’d be seven next month she corrected herself. 

She popped the seal on the bag and a familiar smell wafted up to her. Sweet and a bit sour at the same time. Most people would probably say it wasn’t pleasant at all but it was nice to her. These were definitely Sam’s clothes, she thought. They still smelled like he had just gotten out of them, even after all this time. She inhaled again. These were definitely Sam’s.

Her children couldn’t have been more different. Jules had a perpetually sweet smell to her, like she’d always just gotten out of the bath. She was very particular like that, not just in keeping clean but with everything. Not obsessive but deliberate, consistent. Everything had a place and a purpose according to Jules. She was her father’s daughter like that. Always calm and always collected. She loved routines - making them and following them. In particular, making them and then making other people follow them.

Sam on the other hand always smelled of boy. Sweat mainly, sometimes mixed with the rusty smell blood and well, just boy. Baths weren’t high on his list of priorities and you could often smell him before you could see him. Jules said she hated it and would always roll her eyes and crinkle her nose but Sam had such an infectious personality and quick smile that everyone, including Jules, put up with his stink just to be around him.

Allie pulled out a pair of Sam’s old jeans. There was a huge hole in one knee and the hems were filthy and tattered. He loved them like that. She had tried to sew that hole up once, after he had put them in the wash for possibly the first time ever.

“They’re supposed to be like that Mum!” He had shouted at her, on the verge of tears. “I took me ages to get them like this, now look at them!” 

Sam had been at that age were looks mattered. The trends in his group changed so quickly and were so specific that it was impossible for Allie to keep up.

“I don’t care, you’re not going around town looking like a scruff. Either wear them like that or wear another pair,” she had replied. 

The truth was that she did care. She knew what it was like to get a bad haircut or have to wear something uncool as a kid, but she also knew that Sam was the leader of his little group - he could wear a dirty old plastic bag for a tee shirt and by the following week all the other boys would be wearing one too.

She should have thrown the dirty old jeans out rather than box them up, but at the time should couldn’t bring herself to get rid of them. She couldn’t do it now either. Besides, she thought it would just add insult to injury giving a ratty, stinky pair of old jeans to some poor kid whose house and all his worldly possessions had just been washed away.

“Where’s the kids’ bag, love?” Dan yelled out. He sounded louder now. He must have poked his head into the stairwell that led up to the attic. “I’ve looked in the closet by the front door and it’s not there!”

Why couldn’t he ever find anything?

“Can you come help me?” he added. “The kids are still in garden and they’ll need a quick wash before we go anywhere.”

I bet it’s in the closet, exactly where he left it, staring at him right in the face.

“Go and look again, if it’s not there I’ll come down,” she replied. A grunt echoed back up the stairwell as Dan wandered off to look again.

Allie continued rummaging through the box of Sam’s old clothes. Each one had the faint smell of him still lingering, bringing her back to a little moment they had once shared.

She missed the insignificant moments most of all, even the tantrums and bickering. She loved having the house filled with the noise of kids during the day and the calm that settled on the house once everyone was in bed, when she and Dan could spend time together just the two of them.

She blinked away the day dream and continued through the next box. This one was definitely Jules’. For one the clothes looked almost brand new. Everything had been neatly folded and placed in the bag. Allie could see Jules doing it, taking her time and making sure everything was done properly. Just as she could see Sam, cramming everything in the bag without a second thought.

As she went through her daughters old clothes she was once again struck by how little of it she was willing to give away. She didn’t need any of it but every time she thought of parting with a dress or cardigan, it reminder her of Jules’. Something they’d done together or somewhere they’d been.

It was silly really but by the time she had been through all the boxes, she only had a small handful of clothes that she felt comfortable losing. Mainly they were things she couldn’t remember the kids wearing or even owning. 

Funny thing Ali wondered as she sat there surrounded by old clothes. This is all just useless old stuff, it’s not like the kids can wear any of it anymore. So what’s the point of keeping it? What am I holding on for?

“Got it love, it was right there by the coats!” Dan voice bellowed up from downstairs. “Don’t know how I missed it!” Allie shook her head and muttered softly to herself. He was what he was, no use trying to change him now.

“Come on, we’re ready to go. Grab what you can and lets vamoose!” 

Allie heard the front door click open, Dan and the kids would be standing there waiting for her. She frowned at the sad little pile of clothes she had set aside to give away.

Maybe they do have a purpose she thought. 

Maybe they’re like photos. I can’t see the kids but I can smell them, even touch them in a way. They lived part of their lives in these clothes. Loved them or hated them or maybe just wore them for a short time then forgot about them. But for a moment at least they were with the kids, while we were with them too. All of us sharing a moment together. Maybe these old clothes help bring us back together again, to those moments. I miss them terribly sometimes.

She shook away the thought and grabbed the little pile of clothes. She took a disapproving look around the room that she was leaving in a state of terrible chaos but just shrugged and left. She’d have to deal with the mess later. 

As she walked down the stairs she brushed the dust and cobwebs out of her hair and off her shirt - she wouldn’t have time to change but she didn’t figure it mattered, they were going to a church not a fashion show.

Dan was waiting at the doorway with the apparently hard to find bag, a handful of toys and the kids.

“Ok family, let’s go,” he said. He always said that at the door just before they left. Allie would bet he always would. 

“Pass me the kids, you get the stuff in the car,” Allie said to Dan as she passed him the little bundle of clothes. She gave a little whistle, “in the car kiddos, we don’t have all day.”

Two little French bulldogs looked up at her then quickly followed as she closed the front door behind them and walked across the driveway. She got to the car and the kids stopped. Too small to jump in the car themselves she picked them up one at a time and placed them in the back seat.

“Off we go kids,” she chirped to the dogs as they sat happily in the back of the car, excited to be going on an adventure even if they didn’t know where.

Dan closed the boot and got in the car. “Away we go family,” he said.

Allie looked up at the attic window as Dan backed out of the driveway. She thought about her children, up there in boxes. Memories, waiting for her and Dan to visit so they could be together again. A sadness came over her, like she was losing something all over again.

Dan looked over at his wife and gently put his hand on hers.

“I know, babe.” was all he said.