Serenity

The shakes were unbearable. Bill slowly took a handkerchief out of his side blazer pocket and pressed it against his sweaty brow. “My god it is August and I am burning up”, said Bill as he put the damp cloth back into his pocket. It had been 3 days since he had anything resembling food and his mood was anxious, filled with despair and regret.

He knew he was at the final stage of hope and could think of anything else but to settle his nerves and hopefully calm the ever increasing sickness in his belly. He looked up wearily and saw a sign that read “Hot Coffee/Sandwiches/Cigarettes/Lotto” and headed in the direction of Evangelos a place he had never ventured into before. This was a part of Toronto he had never been to before  mostly out of fear and trepidation.

He trembled as he closed the buttons on his blazer, pulled up his oversized pants and tucked his shirt back in. He knew he had no alternative as all was lost and his only hope at salvaging his destroyed marriage was to at least be able to find a gift for his daughter’s 14^th birthday. He had missed so many before. Hard to buy a gift from her favourite clothing store when he had not had a job in over two years and barely saw the daylight most weeks.

Surely an espresso and half of a tuna sandwich would get him back on track and stop the jitters. This was a far cry from the feeling he had years ago when he felt that he had finally arrived in this new city with his bride and newborn son. He used all of his might and pulled on the heavy wooden doors and entered into the café for some solace.

As Bill stepped inside he was surprised at the atmosphere in Evangelos. Patrons were laughing and talking in great fashion and enjoying the ambience of this quaint café. He looked suddenly to his right as he saw an older lady coughing into her napkin. She was attractive for her age which he presumed to be 67. His legs were weak and he needed to sit down for fear of falling over. He held on to the side of a booth that was occupied by a young family, apologized for his intrusion on their family time and quickly shuffled to an unoccupied booth.

The air was fresh and the smell of fresh coffee quickly filled his lungs. It was senses like this that he greatly missed. “Hey pal” said a young man behind the counter wearing a won, dirtied apron with the Evangelos logo on it, “what could I get you today?” Bill looked up startled as he had not spoken to anyone other than his dog in days. “Umm…a double espresso with cream and sweetener” he responded quickly. “How about a pastry?” the man questioned. “No, but a tuna sandwich would be fine.” He realized that maybe tuna was not his best option and maybe something more calming would be a wiser choice. “Actually an egg with cheese on a bagel.” “Alrighty” he replied obviously preoccupied with other orders in the restaurant.

Bill did not know if he wanted to eat or throw up but slowly swallowed as the acidity rumbled in his stomach. He glanced around as the man went back to the counter and saw only life all around him. He felt like a rotting corpse. A desperate and pathetic man with no reason to carry on in this hell of a world. He had never sunk so low but he felt like a victim as everyone he had ever known had either died, abandoned him or simply did not return his calls or texts mostly begging for money for some creditor he was still indebted to. He counted there were 8 others in the café, besides himself and what he presumed was the owner. A group of four were seated at a booth closer to the counter. They were students as was evident by their U of T hoodies and hats. They were loud but respectful. The man retuned with his coffee and remarked “I can get you a pastry still if you want – on the house as they haven’t been selling as well since my mom passed.” “No” said Bill “the bagel will be ok.” “Coming right up” he grinned and returned to his duties.

Bill was conscious of the hot coffee and realized the young man had forgotten his cream but he was too tired to even be concerned about it and slowly brought the small cup to his lips shaking uncontrollably and spilling some on to his beard. The older woman looked up and Bill could see that there was pity in her eyes. She motioned to the young man with her thumb and index finger to make a motion for the bill. The young man quickly swept over and presented the bill while delivering the bagel to Bill.

Bill hesitated, should he just wrap it up and bring it home for later as food was the last thought on his mind. He knew that he needed something to absolve this sick feeling in his stomach. He broke the bagel in two and cautiously bit into it. He chewed excessively at the small bite knowing that if he ate too quickly the contents would soon end up on the table. He swallowed slowly and allowed the egg, cheese, bread and butter to work its way down his throat without regurgitation. The heartburn instantly filled his body. He kept his head upwards observing the older lady putting her jacket back on and pushing the wooden doors open and vanishing from sight.

Bill’s stomach began to settle with each bite as he began to gain his momentum and confidence back. His anxiety was still overwhelming and he longed to restore that calm, easy feeling once more. The loud table of college students slowly gathered, each checking their cell phones for what seemed to be an eternity. “This one’s on my dad’s credit card, only for emergencies”, the tall, awkward boy exclaimed to shouts of laughter from his companions. The young man grabbed the credit card and placed it against the portable payment machine which made a triumphant positive sound to the delight of the others. “Ok lets go watch our Jays”, shouted the only girl, a pretty young blonde tucking her pony tail out of the back of her favourite team’s hat. They quickly but vigorously marched out of Evangelos in cue ready to take on the warm Toronto night with vigor.

It was apparent that he needed to leave quickly as he finished the remains of his sandwich eyeing the young man as he glanced over to Bill to see if he could finally close early after what was obviously a long shift. Bill looked over at the family in the adjacent booth and waited patiently but anxiously for their departure. Their young daughter squealed with delight as her mother routinely wiped the sticky ice cream from her face. The father eyeing at the tab reached into his pocket and, as if he was at a blackjack table, threw down three $20 bills. The young man quickly rushed to the table and remarked, “I will be back with change”. “No worries Evangelo, that meatloaf was top shelf, thanks buddy.” “As you know the only thanks should be for my dear mother I will let Dad know you were all in, but man oh man you got to try something else but the meatloaf sometime.” The father smirked at the comment as if he had heard this remark umpteenth times. Mother placed the young girl in the stroller, unfastened the lock and they clamored out of the diner.

Bill slowly inhaled  and thought “this is my last chance to win Maddy back.” He reached into his pant pocket and slowly cocked the trigger on his late father’s vintage pistol, no bigger than his palm. It was a graduation gift, one he cherished more than any other he had received. His hands naturally trembled with fear as he had not held it in years other than taking it out of its case last night to ensure that it was not jammed and properly loaded. The gun had been his father’s prized possession having won it off a local bookie who could not pay off his father’s big win in his native Scotland. He managed to find a way to have it transported to Canada – or so the story goes. But that gun was soon to be disposed of with no trace of Bill or his father, what a waste he thought but he simply could not find a way to sell it without facing possible consequences.

Bill’s legs trembled as he held on to the table to elevate him up and to maintain his weak and ever increasing wobbly body. Evangelo, as Bill now came to realize his name, quickly darted to the back of the restaurant and locked the door and flipped over the Closed sign. Bill had not even thought of this. “Hey pal its..” but his sentence was cut short by the ringing of the old cordless telephone behind the counter. “One minute” he exclaimed. Bill knew he had to act quickly as the timing was perfect as he glanced out the window and planned his escape. The street was barren as he looked at the clock on the wall. This made sense as it was 7:48 pm and everyone was safely at home with their families settling into the usual night time routine.

Bill looked back at the open register having placed the $60 from the young family on top of the tray. “Hey sweetheart how’s it going?” Evangelo said into the receiver “good day at school?” Bill froze in his steps, he was obviously talking to his child. “Yeah I am just going to hit an 8 o’clock meeting and I will be home right after, I have your favourite - grandma’s lasagna that I will bring home, not many takers today.” Evangelo listened patiently as his daughter responded. He glanced at Bill and covered the receiver “I will be right with you bud.”

Bill suddenly was overcome with sickness and then a rapid feeling of sorrow and retribution. He could just quickly grab the cash, that would certainly help him buy a gift card and a small bottle to get him through the night and to be able to settle. “Yes I know sweetheart 200 days today you are always the best at keeping an eye on me you are my guardian angel” and quickly burst out laughing, a sound that seemed foreign and strange to Bill.  “Ok gotta fly love you CC.”, an obvious nickname for her.

He glanced over at Bill whose eyes began to water. “Sorry bud that’s my daughter always checking up on me but she is my life line you know? Hey is everything ok you look nauseas.” What in Gods name was he feeling. He certainly had sunk to moral lows many times before especially when he was desperate but this feeling had evaporated as if he had been cleansed of fear and apprehension. He knew this was only his good nature getting the best of him but this was his only hope of getting his sweet little girl back into his arms. He reached for the gun again but felt a tightness in his hands as if the weight could not be released from his pocket.

He tried to speak but found that nothing could fight through this eerie feeling that had entered him. “Is it ok if I close early tonight, need to do a couple of things.” Bill looked up with trepidation at Evangelo and said stammering “I um..I am not sure what to do.” “Hey no worries my friend” said Evangelo “just have a seat, I got time.” Bill un cocked the gun and released its grip back into his pocket. All he could think about was that little girl of his and that of Evangelo. He simply had no sense of what was holding him back. Bill wiped his eyes with his thumb and index finger and suddenly blurted the words “I don’t know what to do here please turn me in.” “Huh?” said Evangelo “what do you mean guy?” Bill did not know what to say but this was his only way of restoring himself to sanity “I have no money to pay – I don’t know what to say.” “Hey no worries this one is on me I am in a good mood it always happens when I talk to my Clara. It’s all good do you need something to take home you only ate a bagel I have lots of lasagna and my daughter probably wants takeout, no doubt. She gets sick of the 12 hour café leftovers that I bring her and her mom every night.” “No no no please I am ok you have been very kind” Bill replied and he truly meant it, he had never felt such generosity and friendship in many years. “Thanks again the bagel was all I needed.” “Ok well have a good night and if you ever need some food just drop by at this time and I will see what I can bag up for you.”

Bill made one final gesture of appreciation to Evangelo who returned to wiping the counter. He buttoned up his beaten up blazer and turned towards the door and with much greater determination pulled on the heavy doors and journeyed onto Kingston Road.