A Bunny, “Tale” To Make You Be, “Hoppy”

 A Bunny, “Tale” To Make You Be, “Hoppy”

Once upon a time up in Danville, Va., there lived a little, brown bunny who had 9 siblings. Its parents couldn’t tell if it was a boy or girl when it was just fresh-hatched, (it’s really hard to tell on a rabbit). Therefore, “it’s” parents decided if it was a girl, they’d name her Misty, or if it was a boy, they’d name him Mister. The same for the others. It wouldn’t matter until the little thing was older anyway, so they weren’t worried about it. Their main concern was thinking of names for those children that were each born at the same time. The daddy told mommy, “You choose, dear, I’m late! I’m late for a very important date,’ and I’ve got to tell my Playboy friends they’ve finally come. They’re trashy friends so they want to see your, ‘litter.’ It’s been over a month since you had some so it’s time for more.”

Ironically, several years later all the baby bunnies grew up, the way most babies have a way of doing, to the mom’s shegrin, because most of them would love for their young- ’uns to remain babies forever, but it never happens, and so consequently, all the babies in that litter each managed to somehow or other grow up anyway, in spite of how much the momma wants them to remain little. At any rate, their mommy wanted their daddy to put some big rocks on their heads to keep them from growing up so quickly, but the only thing that came from that was sore muscles for the daddy who had to bring all of them in so that they could put them where they had to go. Yet in spite of all they tried, each one of those little kits grew up quickly, especially since it only takes 5 weeks for the mommy to have another colony. Sometimes if one of the parents lost all those babies at the same time they would call it “The Lost Colony.” That’s how it is for those tiny fur-balls who loved garbage, but none of the animals had the nerve to call them those things which they actually were, that's, “trashy.”

As those rabbits began to grow up, which didn’t take very long because the momma saw to that, right when they were old enough to wiggle their little noses and look cute, that was the sign for them to be, “boot”ed out of their happy-home, since sometimes it took the daddy to actually, “kick” those sweet, little fur,-”balls” with legs and long ears out of his and mommy’s home. When that occurred, quite often the 2 remaining parents go hole-hunting to, “down”-size their new home, even though it would often take a duck to do it. Still, that’s what they all do when children throw things at them, they would, “duck.” (I’m doing great with those puns so you can call me butter ‘cause I’m on a, “role).” That’s a pretty good indication if a dachshund was to read this they’d be on a, “role,” or rather a bun, and, “buy” the, “weigh,” that’s also what I need to add on to all the curds for Little Miss Muffit, although she should try to look into getting a chair instead of having to, “tough-it” out. Life was hard for a, "peeper" then.

Now, I need to cook a, "Bunt" cake so it will be ready for baseball season just in case they have to make some, “bunts,” that remind me of the kind of pan to use in order to bake it, or else advance my runner to scoring position. Sorry, I'm hungry. That's the reason for all these food-jokes. If I had some eggs, preferably the kind that don’t, “lay” around each time I, “white” something down I always get that, “knead” to be remembered like how to earn some, “bread,” even though it seems like I’m always, “knead- ing” some, “dough,” but when I can earn enough of it I'll take it easy and can, “loaf” a lot more. (Puns are cool so I, “play” with words more than, “play” my guitar). Now, I’m a wordsmith, not like Joseph Smith who needed some, “More-men” to join his denomination of Christianity because if we mess up, I would say, “Jeese us!” Still, getting back to the original story line, to keep on making multiple trips to the bank to go, “burrow” some money, since that’s more than likely what I would end up living in anyway, it was rather difficult to save any cash when a silly, little bunny kept buying things for the family or else for all those babies who had come to live with them until they can all got old enough for a, " ‘hare’-cut.” They’re not much for division, although they sure are great at, “multiplying.” As each little kit grew up and turned into an adult, they’d start planning their own families and where they should live to raise them the best way. Still, as the bunnies all grew up and moved away from their parent’s protection, they had the same problems all bunnies have when they first move out. Some of them were learning the best ways to survive with- out mommy and daddy being around them. One occupation their oldest female kit wanted was to become a, “ ‘hare’ stylist.” That came natural to her because it was her goal to make all the customers be as, “hoppy” as possible without, “splitting, ‘hares.’ ” Another one was bound and determined to be a guard at a cassel because each animal who came by that place which shouldn’t be there, he’d reach in and put a g in front of his words, “rab-it,” before it got away from him. Others went into different, “fields” of work, even though it was quite difficult to help those young- ‘uns grow up, their parents were excellent at trying to give it their best shots at everything they attempted to do throughout their lifetimes. Several of those youngsters did eventually grow up, even though none of the other family members had any faith in them that they could do anything worthwhile. With each of those kits, Mamma and Daddy had to teach them everything they would need to know in life by the time it was time to, as they say, “break the umbilical cord” and just let them take whichever path they chose to go in life. One thing that would mean was if they ever ran out of food, they'd have to go down to Mr. Mc Greager’s farm and with each vegetable he had growing there, grab it, so then he could truly be what is known among other bunnies, as a, “grabbit-rabbits.” That would make sure all of the best members of their family would turn out making positive contributions to society somehow. Still, on the other paw, some of those who were less intelligent members of their family could possibly end up getting involved with insect-killing as a vocation, so in other words, each of those rabbits would wind up being a, “ ‘Bug’s’ Bunny.” The only other job that would be good for a rabbit to have would be a, “foot-seller” which should only be done as a last resort because some people would pay mega-bucks for them to pozess a rabbit’s foot for a good-luck charm, although personally, I don’t think that's accurate since it definitely didn’t bring that poor rabbit any luck, or at least none of the right kind anyway.

Please write me back when you have time. Sincerely, your soon-to-be favorite, oddest, multi talented, self-loathing, blood-bought Christian, red-haired, blue-eyed, poet-author-comedian you'll ever be affiliated with in this lifetime, Cuz Roye. Roye comes from the French word for King, it’s where Royal derived from. In Celtic it means, (get this), red-hair. Now, is that a coincidence? I think not! God knew what He was doing when He hatched me from that woodpecker’s egg. That’s why I’m so, “Cheep!” with my money and why I’m such a, “bird-brain.” I don’t know, “feather” you like my work or not. Hopefully, “my-great” sense of humor’s, “egg”-zactly what you're needing to make you use those resorious muscles, also those zigamatticuss major and minor muscles since they’re the ones that are used for laughing. Still, one thing that would really make me happier is to have you dial my phone number, and that is, ….1-434-228-7572. Please call me sometime, or call me, "Cuz." Give me a ring when you have the time, but I am not proposing. Rather cause my phone to play that beautiful one-note melody which definitely would be pure music-to-my-ears so call me sometime, or call me, “Cuz.” That would turn my mouth from an n shape into a u shape. In other words, the corners would point up north instead of down south.

Then one day while Misty, or Mister as the case may be, was hopping through the woods, she-he wasn’t watching where it was going and stepped into a rope trap. It sprung her way up in the air and just left her hanging there, upside down just a hanging and swinging twixt the Heavens and Earth. While trying to think of a way to get lose, the sound of footsteps tromping through the leaves started getting closer and closer to where he-she hung by the trap, and then she heard somebody laughing. It was from the person who was responsible for all those fresh vegetables it had been eating, Mr. McGregger. He let out the most sinister sounding laugh anybody could ever possibly make as if he was filled with nothing but pure evil. That caused the fur on Misty, or Mr’s fur to stand on end.

“Aha!” shouted Mr. McGregger as he put out his hands over the little rabbit who was all mixed up in the trap, “I finally got you, you little thief! Now, you would make a powerful tasty stew! It’s quite obvious you are already in a, ‘stew’ as it is!” Then he danced back to the shed to get the really sharp ax which was sure to mean the poor, little bunny’s demise. He scowled at his victim while wearing a totally evil, mischieveous type of grin on his face. “I’ll take care of that right now, you no good little thief!”

The little rabbit shivered with fright. That’s because it had never been that close to actually meeting it’s Maker before. The poor little bunny stood there, petrified with fright, but his momm, who had raised him by reading The Uncle Remous stories about Br’er Rabbit, Br’er Fox and r B’er Bear had taught him to always use his head instead of his foots, but he had to think quickly because to his horror, Mr. McGreader was running out of his shed while holding a shiny, sharp ax in his hand. The little rabbit knew the world would be minus one rabbit if it didn’t thin of something.

“Uh, what are you going to do with that thing?” said Mist, or Mister with a smile, but was shaking so hard it was hard to get the words out.

“Man!” said Mr. McGregger, “If you can’t guess, you really must be a dumb-bunny! I’ll give you a hint, though, it will help me out big-time!”

It looked like that poor, little rabbit was about to meet it’s Maker unless it could come up with something extremely cleaver to say and do. That’s when it said, “Uh, of course you know it’s against the law to eat a rabbit. Haven’t you heard? Why, you could be charged with the foulest crime ever! The cops will charge you with, uh, ‘failure to part your, ‘hare!’ "

That made Mr. McGregger laugh, but the laugh was really short-lived, especially since he knew there was a policeman who lived just a couple of houses down from where he was. “What do I look like? An idiot?” he asked, with an evil smile, but the smile was short-lived because he thought that might really be a new law. He never watched t v or read a newspaper which meant that he had no tithes to the outside world. Before the little rabbit could say anything, he answered his own question with, “Well, don’t answer that! Anyway, wait right here! Don’t go away! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!”

It seamed like the poor, little rabbit had done nothing but prolong the inevitable, but at least it gave him a few minutes more time to come up with his next plan of action for himself.

Right at that moment, one of his brothers happened to be hopping through the woods and saw Misty, or Mister as the case may be, tied up to the spit. That was when he ran to Mr. McGreg- ger and said, “I must warn you that I have got some great, magical powers!” he said with his mouth smiling but his eyes frowning, “If you chop off my head, so help me I’ll come back to life, only I'll be multiplied with many more bunnies just like me!” The little rabbit smiled at Mr. McGregger with an even more evil scowl than the one he had given Misty, or Mr. . The ugly expression on his face was proof that he was definitely not a bunny-lover by any means.

“Yyyyou’re just trying to scare mmme!” Mr. McGregger said with more doubt in his voice then ever, “Now, do I look dumb?”

    "Well, looks can be deceiving!" replied the little rabbit, while continuing to wear that same criminal-looking grin across his face. "You wouldn't want to be guilty of a crime, namely, an unlawful attempt to, as the expression says, cut some, 'hare' when you do't even have a licence to do that sort of thing here."

    "Hmm," said Mr. McGregger, but at that moment,all of Misty, or Mr's, friends and relations came pouring in from all sides which startled the man so much he threw his arms up in the air out of surprise. That meant the ax which he'd sharpened flew up and got stuck in the middle limb of the tree he was standing under, which wasn't low at all, wedging itself into the trunk. When all the other bunnies saw he had no weapons in his hands, they attacked him from all sides. They all bit him with their razor-sharp teeth, thus causing him to cry out in pain. Then the large   of rabbits bit him with their sharp teeth and kicked him with their strong legs until he finally ran into the woods, screaming all the way. After untying Misrty, or Mr., they asked, "Can't you even behave for even a few minutes without getting into some kind of mischief?" Tehy chorused together, but they were smiling so nobody's feelings were hurt. After a lot of hugs and kisses to and from the little fir-ball with legs and a head, they all went to a rabbit-weading, but since there was no way to tell which was the bride and which was the groom, it really didn't matte all that much. A few weeks later they blessed the whole forest with a mess of little babies. They're called a, "litter," which is exactly what they were and did to the entire forest. Yet nobody cared because they knew in a few weeks those little rabbits would end up blessing the rest of the planet with more little fer-balls with legs and a tail which, in a few more weeks, would give birth to their first batch of babies. So, like the best written children's stories of all-time will officially finish up with,

"THEY ALL LIVED, 'HOPPILLY' EVER AFTER!!!!" The end.

     By, Cuz Roye. Now, please call me sometime, or call me,"Cuz," Praise the Lord for Alexander Grahm Bellsky who was the first, "telephone, 'Pole.' " Now the best ways to spread news across the whole planet are by telephone, telegraph and, "tell-a-woman." I have red-hair and blue eyes and my favorite color is, (get this), purple. Mom told me I was hatched from a woodpecker's egg. That must be why I'm so, "Cheep!" with my money and why I'm a,"bird-brain." I had head-injury back when I was 11 years-old in 1974. Since then life has been miserable, with a few nice moments, but for the most part it's been really difficult. I'm legally-blind with severe memory-problems. Since my eyes are purfect, glasses won't help. I've lead a life that shouldn't be wished on the most evil person ever. I've never been on a date, to a dance or party, (except with handicapped people), and even today, all I know about dates are they're sweet, and can be, "the pits." I have red-hair and blue eyes and my favorite color is purple. Mom said I was hatched from a woodpecker's egg which explains why I'm such a, "bird-brain" and why I'm so, "Cheep!" I don't know, "feather" to send you any of my poems since that's my spesialty. Tell me where to send, "my-grate" writings to. My neighbor, Jay was sad but I cheared him up with my puns so now he's not a, "blue-Jay." It's important to have my talents discovered now so my brain won't be so, "scrambled" when I sit on my front, "poah" but nothing comes, "over-easy" to me. Life is hard on me since my head's been, "cracked," but I'm not, " 'shell'-fish." still, I try to, "white" my best stories and poems, that's no, "yoke." "Omlett" ing you know that since I'm not happy, but hopefully this document has turned your mouth from an n shepe into a u shape. In other words, make the corners point up north instead of down south.  Use those risorous muscles along with your ambiguous major and minor muscles since those are the ones that are needed in order for you to laugh-out-loud.

Please reply to this letter now.  Thank you bunches. Sincerely, your soon-to-be favorite, weirdest, most talented, stupidest, love-filled, ugliest in my opinion, christian, author-poet-comedian you'll ever be afileated with in this lifetime, Cuz Roye.