She is a Good Person?

She looked like tranquility. Laying on her bed, her eyes locked in a breath, with a smile, she cuddled in her own sorrows, fear, and love, mostly love. Love that she used to and still does feel for the love she did, the love she held closer and dear to her, the love she never wanted to go, the love she wanted to live, the love that left her crippling, struggling for a single breath that could liberate her.

she felt like burning the world around her, escaping this body that suffocates her to her core, leaving her gasping on the floor, which felt like breaking open to take her in - she wanted that as she looked at his picture, tucked in love and sorrow, heartbreak and remorse. 

The calm on her face inimitably felt like a page turned a thousand times. Wondering if she could just close her eyes, she went home. A home that never was there, a home she felt in his arms, a home built in his eyes. A home that spoke of his words, and smelled like his breath closest to her. A home that kept burning while she was handpicking the ashes, preserving them in her heart. A home that left her no ground to keep a foot for the misery, while she took all the uncertainty on her chest to live the existence of him. 

She can't let go of you and she can't be with you. Whenever she is with you she feels like shes ruining you. Hell she has ruined you already and she doesn't know how to stop that, he said . . 

Feeling new to the pain she had lived through a million times, in vain attempts, she tried to find solace. The pain that broke every piece of her existence, the pain that chafed her skin. The pain that silently pierced through her skin, and went latching onto her soul. The pain that rotted the love, leaving her indifferent to her own lamenting, stabbing the misery that left her bawling for the love she never wanted to see go. The pain that tightened the air around her, till the moment it pierced through her skin, touching her heart and then soul. 

In loving you, shes lost herself, yet shes willing to love you, to live you, because there is nothing else she knows of or wants. she loved you so much, and she loved you, she just loved you, and she loved you. she loves you more than the pain you gave her. she loves you more than your words that pierced her soul. she fucking loves you. she bawled on the floor in the middle of the night, in vain hope for the harrowing pain leaving her body with forced exhale. If only you could see her suffering in her misery. It hurts because you saw her crying for you in your feet. It hurts because you saw her crippling right there, in front of your eyes, gasping for air, for your love, and a home. 

But, it’s okay - she used to say this so much. And again, merciless yet gently, with all the love, she tucked the pieces of her soul comfortably into her very own body, like an escape, she lost it. She lost home. No wonder a blink used to feel like a lifetime to her, aged and stale, like a fully bloomed rose, ready to shed another petal. No wonder a breath used to feel like a burden on her chest, yet something that you would literally take because there she have had long forgotten the idea of anything other than chaos. 

Look at her, she screamed to the world in her silence, look at her. she is a good person. It hurts her like happiness touching her face, and a cold breeze flowing through her hair. she screamed to the world in her misery, look at her, she is a good person. It hurts her like a healed wound and the scars that have been long forgotten. she screamed to the world, in my kindness, look at her, she is a good person. It hurts like soft, freshly washed sheets or cologne after a fresh hot shower. she screamed in her hope and hopelessness, look at her, she is a good person. It hurts like a photograph tucked in the pages of an old journal and the words that she spoke so clearly not to be heard. It hurts like a sigh trapped in my soul, fighting, at war, finding its way out in the world that suffocates already. she screamed in her mourning, tucked in comfortable or forcefully, she doesn't know, saving herself, hiding myself from the cruelty of the world, from all that pain and the hurt, from kindness and the love. she curled up in her own loneliness, her own skin, her own consolation, fragile love, hoping there will be an end to it. but thank you, its just what she wanted. She wanted the horrid hurt, she wanted it right?

She walked into the world, with an aching heart, she only wished for ease. With a chaotic mind, she only wished for a pause. She wished the time stopped. She wished the ground break open and take her in. She wished for a breath. She wished for a day and a night, a raindrop, a smile, and the warmth of a cold breeze. She wished for a rainbow and a flower. She wished for a home.

As she turned sides, a tear flowed from the corner of her eye, grieving over her neck, before it drenched the pillow. She didn’t flinch a bit, it felt like home. It felt like home when she once again tamed her chaos into calm. It felt like home when she spoke her insanity into sanity. It felt like home when she breathed fire and sighed for an eternity. It felt like home when she took solace in unfamiliarity. It felt like home when she told herself, it’s okay, she smiled, and she screamed in a void, not to be heard. Carrying the ugly in grace, giving birth to and killing an eternity, she became home!