The Inside Job

'You can sit with him here.' She appeared beside me motioning to the empty seat, as I remained unmoving by the door. The name tag, pinned rather clumsily on the front of her pale blue scrubs read Beatrice. She looked like a Beatrice actually, her hair was so void of colour it appeared almost an ivory white, so fragile I felt even the slightest breeze would leave her completely bare. She was petite too, I thought there was almost not enough space on her body to hold all the features any human should. 

‘How old are you?’ My head snapped quickly casting my eyes to the floor, I wasn’t sure why I had blurted this out so carelessly.

Beatrice let out a soft giggle, ‘I’m sixty three,’ she sighed ‘but I have been a veterinary nurse for over half my life so I can promise you, I do know what I am doing.’ She moved her frail hand towards my elbow attempting to lead me into the room. ‘I would really like to help you, please.’

I faltered slightly then took two small, solid steps. ‘Is he in any pain?’

‘No, but I believe he would be tired and would know that it’s time.’ Beatrice breathed through the words so sadly and I realised I felt uneasy in her presence, not due to a lack of kindness or warmth but I thought I felt an urgency to impress her.

‘My name is Jack.’ I said.

She smiled, ‘Why don’t you tell me about him, Jack? Who he was to you and you to him.’

I thought it was an unusual question but I gave her a few moments, delving into a brief story of how Gerald came to be mine. I told her how I had rescued him when he was only six weeks old, after finding a random add on craigslist and driving almost five hours to a beaten down shack that barely qualified as a home. I told her how he was malnourished, underweight and he smelled of urine and mould. I told her how I brought him home, fed him tinned chicken and gave him a warm bath whilst he nestled himself against my arms. I told her how I loved him and how he loved me and that even though I knew the first six weeks of his life were abysmal, I also knew our days would be happier being together, and they were.

Beatrice remained quiet as I finished speaking, I thought maybe she felt I had more to say, but I desperately wanted to stop. I think she realised this too, as she moved away from me and took a position closer to Gerald’s feet.

‘Okay Jack, it is time now. Do you think you might be ready?’ I nodded allowing her to proceed. Beatrice approached what looked like a medicine cabinet as bodies scattered beside her, preparing various odd instruments and something that looked like a drip. I didn’t want to know the technicalities of how they would do this so I looked away and to Gerald instead, bending down to the platform to meet his eyes. 

Gerald looked at me the same way I looked at him and although I couldn’t speak, I knew he understood my hand on his soft scrawny paw as something like love. I very gently, kissed the tip of his nose and there I felt, that he definitely did know love.

Gerald then closed his eyes and died. 

***

I couldn’t think of what to do so I remained bent at the platform and just like I could not speak, I also could not cry.

Beatrice appeared beside me, her arm softly reaching my shoulder as we walked into an adjacent room leaving the remaining nurses to deal with Gerald’s body. I took a seat on a faded green couch, slightly lumpy and battered, sequestered in a quiet corner of the room. Beatrice took a seat beside me and as I looked around I thought that we might be in her office. It looked of Beatrice, established and solid with noticeable imperfections that felt somewhat like safety.

I remained silent. Beatrice adjusted herself, tucking her left ankle behind her right and reached for a teacup resting on a small rounded table.

She must have noticed me looking. ‘Would you like some Jack? It’s only camomile, helps with my nerves,’ she said.

‘No I’m okay, thank you.’ I smiled softly, all that I could muster.

‘I’m sorry you lost Gerald today, I’m sure it can’t be easy on you.’ She adjusted herself to face me.

Again I remained silent, and so did she.

‘I think you want me to talk about Gerald.’ I said, keeping my gaze at my knees, fidgeting with the hem of my shirt.

‘Well, you told me a little about him before, I thought there might be more. It might help.’

‘Help who?’

‘You, Jack.’ She said. 

I hesitated, ‘I don’t know what I will do without him.’ I said.

She was silent as I kept my eyes down preparing to continue.

‘Well, the thing is when I rescued Gerald I wasn’t in a good place; it was a very horrible time for me. I remember when I first saw him, I was so excruciatingly resentful that I felt such a strong connection with something so profoundly miserable. Something so lonely and dirty, something that only someone just as miserable as him, would rescue. I don’t know who I was resentful towards, maybe Gerald maybe myself, maybe both. So there you go yes, I was resentful and bitter and I thought that maybe I had made a mistake bringing him home.’ I took a pause, letting the shame run through me.

Beatrice leaned back into her seat, crossing one leg over the other.

‘As the weeks went on, I guess I was just so lost and I mean I was so desperate to feel anything I couldn’t see in Gerald. I thought, I don’t know I just- I just thought maybe if I made Gerald’s life better maybe it would somehow seep into mine. Well anyway, I decided I would try to look after him as best as I possibly could and that day, I walked down to this thrift store not far from my home and I loaded about seven bags with stuffed toys. They weren’t for animals of course, but at that age he was so small he couldn’t put a dent in anything and really it was all I could afford. He’d obviously never seen toys like that so I purposefully introduced them one at a time; I thought maybe it would be too overwhelming for him or something.' I smiled at myself, resting my elbows on my knees.

‘Anyway, one day not long after that I had come home from work and across my living room floor, it was a sea of toys. He must have found the bags I had kept with everything I had bought, and I mean he was playing with all of them and not just one, you see? He was running around like this little energiser bunny, so incredibly content. I don’t think he’d realised I had come home yet, so I just stood by the door watching him.’ I was laughing now, Beatrice joining me.

‘Jack, it sounds like you made him very happy.’ Beatrice smiled at me, almost beaming.

I nodded, thankful for the reassurance. ‘I think while I was standing there watching him play like that, I realised he was so obnoxiously happy without me even being there. He was just on his own, you know? But he went and found himself a bag full of cheap toys and created that happiness for himself. Anyway I thought, well if I see myself in Gerald and Gerald created that for himself, then maybe I could too.’ I looked to Beatrice suddenly self-conscious. ‘I must sound so silly.’

‘Not at all Jack, please continue.' She smiled leaning further into her seat.

‘I think after that, things started to change for me. At the time I felt like it was luck, maybe Gerald’s happiness was just contagious and the happier he was, the happier I was. The months and the years went on and we really started exploring life, we would go on all these adventures; hiking, camping, kayaking. I mean I even got one of those backpacks so I could carry him whilst we biked on these huge, epic treks.’ I paused again hoping for encouragement.

‘I think I know the exact ones you might be talking about.’ She nodded.

‘Then as I got older and Gerald got bigger, everything just took off. I found myself accepting an interstate job, probably the best job offer I had in years. Gerald and I moved and into a bigger house too, and I bought him new toys and the proper kind this time. I even met my husband after a few weeks of being there and it really was like something out of a novel. We were so happy, all three of us, just so nauseatingly happy-’ My voice broke as I leaned further onto my knees, taking a rest. 

‘Jack if I may, you do seem to speak of this happiness as if it was a thing of the past. I know Gerald can’t be with you anymore, but it doesn’t mean that this happiness you speak of must go too.’ Beatrice looked to me, pity full in her eyes.

‘You don’t understand.’ I felt the frustration building. 

‘So explain,’ she said.

‘All those years ago and before I brought him home, my mind and my body it wasn’t a very good place to be. I was nothing, and to no one too. He’s gone now and it’s all going to go back to how it was. I will become again who I truly am, before Gerald.’ I turned to face Beatrice willing the sincerity to appear. I felt beyond anything that what I was telling her, was the truest of me.

‘Gerald didn’t make you who you are Jack, I would guess that maybe somewhere along the way he did become your inspiration, but he never was and never could be your solution.’ The corners of her thin rosy lips turned slightly downwards and for a moment it appeared that she might be speaking of herself.

‘I don’t know what I will do without him.’ I said again.

‘Yes, you will.’

Before I could speak Beatrice interrupted.

‘Tell me Jack, what are you doing after you leave here today?’ She looked to me curiously.

‘Well, I guess my husband will come to collect me soon and then we’ll go home. I don’t think I can stomach the idea of anything else at the moment, not without Gerald.’ I said.

‘So you will go home to your house, a house that you currently live in?’

‘Yes.’

‘And you will go home to your husband, your family and your life? The one that you built?’

‘Well.. yes.’ I repeated.

‘You see then, with Gerald gone only a few moments ago it does appear to me and before my very eyes, that you are still something.’ Beatrice tilted her head teasingly as she grew warm with a smile.

‘I can’t really disagree with you on that, can I?’ I smiled back.

‘No, you can’t.’ She said.

We both remained silent as Beatrice stood, I lifted my eyes to meet hers.

‘So Jack, I guess you better be off then.’

‘I guess I should.’ I said.