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Friendship Fiction Funny

Daniel has been dreaming of this day ever since he was a child, the flowers, the music, the centerpieces, the perfect woman, and all his loved ones from the past and present reunited under one roof. “Can you please for the love of christ help me move this fucking couch Daniel” screams his very pregnant bride to be from the other room, “I’m coming Beatrice my love, you really shouldn’t be moving furniture in your condition sweetie.” he responds quickly undoing his tie to the wedding tux he has tried on six times since he bought it. Beatrice was Daniel’s high school sweetheart and they have been dating for nine years and got engaged only a year and a half ago because he was waiting for the pants of the relationship to ask and that definitely was not Daniel and Beatrice was waiting for Daniel to regrow his testicles and be a man. Nonetheless these two have been in love for what felt like ever. “I have to get to work dear, if I am late one more time “without an excuse that includes death or me becoming paraplegic I won't have a job to come back to after our honeymoon” in Mr. Ponn’s words.”  He says as he quickly rushes through the front door, “also don’t forget I am going to be picking up our guest of honor from the airport after my shift B” he finishes before closing the door. “Of course my mother gets forgotten at the airport for two hours but your high school buddies have you running” she says under her breath before continuing to finnick with the couch.

Daniel’s shift ends and he very excitedly begins his trip to the airport in his used minivan. The anticipation eats at him. He hasn't seen his friends since Audrey’s wedding which was almost a decade ago and it was a blast. They don’t really talk on account of everyone's busy lives so it will be nice to catch up and just hang out like old times back in their hometown of Valentine, Nebraska. He arrives and gets out of the car and leans against it which would probably seem a lot more cool if his car didn't look like he jacked a second generation soccer mom. The first person out was Ethan, he was the shit talker, always had something to say but in a refreshing way this guy protected the rest of the group from any bully that came up. He walked over, “Hey Daniel, how the hell are you? You look like shit. Bring it in” Ethan said before grabbing Daniel into a hug. “I am doing great, I'm getting married and I got a promotion at wrinkles no more so you're looking at an assistant manager” he responds proudly, “No shit they are finally letting you marry your sister? I'm kidding, I'm kidding, she's way too good for you.” He laughs and punches Daniel’s arm. Before Daniel can come up with a comeback the doors open again.

Out comes Henry, now he was the shy one of the group, but that didn’t stop him from being feral with the rest of us but did stop him from touching a boob till he was nine-teen. Following him was Audrey, she was the token tom-boy girl every group needs and she was probably more unfiltered and carefree then any of the others. They both walked out and exchanged pleasantries, well except Ethan he was telling Audrey how nice it must be to have finally grown into her training bras. This led to a clean nut tap from her leaving Ethan grasping his nuts for dear life while still chuckling. Lastly Rick and Roman, identical twins who when they first arrived at school convinced everyone they were the same person, then convinced everyone they were long lost brothers finally brought back together by the system. These two were like tweedle dee and tweedle dumb intelligence wise. 

The crew piled into the car and all started with their lovely banter that was quite aggressive from an outside view but to them was just fun. “So Audrey, I know your sugar grandpa of a husband is getting up there. He's free to come to my office and we offer a senior discount.” He bursts out cackling. Henry was an anesthesiologist who worked for Florida's most renowned plastic surgeon. Audrey rebuttals with “You’re not even a doctor you get paid to put people to sleep at best you’re a professional Bill Cosby.” This alone sends everyone into a mocking and hysterical laughter. “It’s nice that beatrice let you borrow your balls for the bachelor party tonight Daniel” said Rick from the backseat, “Thank you very much Rick but we have joint custody of my testicles, y'all are just lucky we picked the same weekend as my visitation” Daniel replied sarcastically.  

They arrive back into town and Daniel drops them off at their motel, except Henry whose mother would go absolutely belligerent if he spends even a night he's in town away from her clutches. “Since we are going to Henry’s moms place anyway, should you just drop me off there for her scheduled dick date or should I wait till after the ceremony?” Roman says, looking directly at Henry, who turns around and starts repeatedly punching him. “Out of respect I think you should wait until after our date we planned ours first, or if you're comfortable we could tag team her” Ethan says, “Shut the fuck up Ethan” shouts Henry who has always had a close relationship with his mother. Honestly this was a three hundred pound woman who goes to the doctors religiously to have her skin tags removed so to be quite frank a night with that woman is more punishment than any punch that could be thrown by Henry.

The night of the wedding approaches and everyone heads to the abandoned barn that Beatrice decided would be the perfect venue, which it was once they finished spraying for spiders and rats. Everybody takes their places in the wedding party and the ceremony begins. “Daniel Levsuites, do you take Beatrice Rosendale to be your lawfully wedded bride?” asks Ethan who is playing the part of the officiant because he one time got registered online to be one on a dare. Before Daniel can say “I do” a spider makes his way up his neck and rests on his cheek sending Audrey into a fight or flight and she has always chosen to fight. She steps up to the lovely couple swift and calm like and quickly with straight strength whacks him across the face, “Mazel Tov” she exclaims then returns to her spot. 

Everyone laughs even the bride who , being eight months pregnant forgets that holding a tight grip on her pelvic muscles was a necessity so her bladder releases all the sparkling cider she has been holding on too. This causes the crowd to break out into even louder cackling. “I do, I do, I do, I mean shit how could I not” Daniel interrupts through tears of happiness getting the show moving knowing his wife is now soaked in her own pee. Ethan continues “Beatrice Ro-” Beatrice chimes in “At this moment guys I would agree to just about anything that gets me closer to changing, but yes of course I do”. Daniel pulls her into a deep kiss “Does that mean your sister is up for grabs?” Ethan asks loudly, Daniel's sister with a sarcastic smile on her face flips him off from her seat.

At the reception the whole gang gathers at a table and just enjoys each other's company. “You know Daniel if you ever want to get out of this town and stop sucking your boss off for days off my company is hiring, so you could slurp me off for some days off but in a bigger city.”  Ethan says, “Fuck it” Daniel responds. “Hey Ethan is your company looking for a new law firm” asks Rick, “we were not really in the market for a new legal team but I was thinking our current one is much too smart, court isn't even a challenge so yeah I think your firm would be the perfect drop down.” Ethan responds, Rick and Roman finish the deal with their signature fist bump. They were all quite excited at the idea of being closer to each other now that they were all working together. “I guess I can convince the old man to move to Massachusetts and be the best dentist there” Audrey says, “She means old man literally” Roman chimes in. They stare at Henry waiting for him to agree on starting a new life with them, “Awe hell fine now put your bedroom eyes away” he says. This was just the beginning of the true reuniting of these friends.

June 16, 2023 02:43

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