The Void Eater

I’ve seen people unleashing their monsters countless time, so much that I’ve grown numb to it; but I remember the first time I really understood what it meant, like it was yesterday.

I was just a little boy, watching the traffic crawl by my dad’s car window, when a small collision happened just in front of me.

Nothing more than a dent in the bumper, but the driver of the front car came out, all burly and eager for a fight. He shouted words that my dad told me never to repeat, and kept on taunting the clumsy driver that hit him. He came out too, and it was like watching a twig confronting a redwood.

At the start it was a carnival of fidgety “sorry” and “let’s have the insurance handle it”, but the offended mountain was out for blood.

He was having fun with the little man cowering in front of him, with the smile of a shark he pressed on, shouting and boasting.

From my vantage point I started noticing something changing in the little man, much earlier than his opponent.

He had hunched into a ball, and was shaking in unnatural jolts, while his bones and joints dislocated and deformed below the leathery sack of his skin. Bristly hair sprouted below his shirt in spiky bushes, and in an instant the little man had become a rabid dog, all teeth and foam, red eyes and growling, pressing forward, snapping his jaws and howling his prowess in front of the man, crumbled to the ground, now pale as a wisp of smoke, robbed of his arrogance.

I was incredible, that man chose to call forth his monster, released it from its cage, on a whim. He was able to use it for his own pride, for his own defense. And won.

I would have never been able to do so. Can you imagine letting it out? Your worst, most feral instincts, for your own gain?

For some time I started noticing how many people did so. It was a challenge of who could pull the biggest, meaniest, scariest rabbit out of the hat. And, oh if it worked wonders.

But I? I never could even get close that damp and dark recess of my soul, I’ve always been a person of light and air. I need space and peace, I thrive in jolly banter and friendly competition, I love a walk on a placid lake. You would never see me approaching that horrendous place.

And then, I met him.

He was intoxicating, he was hungry for life, he was feisty.

He was fire and and passion, and everything I never was. Before I could even realize it, we became lovers. Before I finished tasting our first kiss, before I could even understand what it meant, I was madly in love.

I drowned in bliss, thirsting for more of his world within me, desperate for just another sip of that unquenchable energy. And I kept looking away from where it came from.

That fire, that burned behind his eyes, and lit our nights ablaze, was the same that fueled the beast below; one warm and welcoming, the other…

He was so eager to summon his monster, it seemed almost his own nature. He was a flaming beast, towering on everything, unstoppable, making the world look like a toy model in front of the Creator himself… And I trembled in fear and excitement, basking in his warmth and protection, envious of the ease with which he handled such a tremendous power, glad that it purest highs were only for me.

I never cared who did it scorch, it was worth it for me.

Play with fire, and you are bound to get burned. I knew it, but stopping was not an option, and playing was not our game.

I loved like I never did before, and never will in my life, I got burnt and I loved him more, he burned me, and he loved me more. I cherished that fire to the point that I stopped seeing the difference between the man I loved, and his monster.

There needs to be pain in love -so he taught me- there is no love in a calm breeze -and so I believed- love is a storm, love is crying, love is possession, love is hate, love needs to consume you, love is dark and terrible. His words were golden honey, sweet even when they stung.

There was no stopping it.

I have little recollection of what used to happen in the turmoil of that time. But one day I raised my eyes, and I was surrounded by a flaming inferno. His monster was in our house, burning and ravaging everything around it. It must have had started long before, one small step at a time, yet I was blind to it, until I had nowhere left to run.

Slowly but surely, there was more of the monster than of him, until nothing was left.

It hurt, but love has to hurt.

It scared me, but love is terrifying.

It was the love that he taught me, but it was too much for me to handle. And the fire kept closing in on me. And there was no room to breathe, no direction to run but inward.

The flames were so close I could smell my hair burning, they pushed against me, and I was with my back against the wall.

The fire was pressing and I either burned or gave up. It was then that I took my first step into the darkness.

Black, cold and damp, it was the total opposite of the fire outside. Yet I was no less scared of what was there. I felt it, lurking, slithering, just a few steps away. But I dared not get closer, nor I dared step back in the flames.

It approached me, gently, almost like a caress.

Hate him

It’s wrong. I don’t hate anyone. This is something we can work out, I just need to take a deep breath and everything will be solved.

Another touch, calm, peaceful.

I wish he was dead

This is not who I am. I’m not a petty, vindictive mind. It’s the monster, not him, I just need to talk with him.

Once again, a nudge towards the center of the darkness.

This is not who I am, this is not how I love

No! This is not what I meant. I don’t hate him, I don’t wish he was dead. I love him, this is our love.

Two arms enclose me in a hug, dragging me in.

It is ok, let me take care of it

That day, for the only time in my life, I released the Void Eater. It came out, and took care of everything.

In the time of a breath it had taken charge of my life, and destroyed everything I had.

It spared nothing, it engulfed everything in its wake, obliterating even the ashes left by the flaming monster.

I thought it was a monster, living in the darkest corners of our soul. I even gave it a name.

Still when I came to my senses, the Void Eater had fulfilled its promise. I found myself clutching the lifeless body of the love of my life, my house in shambles, and my life broken.

I should have just let him burn me one more time.