Water Cooler Rendezvous

To: sbrennan@harperaeronautics.com

Subject: Tuna Sandwich

Dear Susan,

I have left several notes on the refrigerator in the break room, but it keeps happening. Three times in the past two weeks, my sandwich has gone missing. My friends and family call me boring; I like to think of myself as a man of routine. For the twelve years that I have called Harper Aeronautics my home, I have eaten a tuna sandwich on rye bread for lunch. Now I know what you're thinking, why would my dedication to tuna sandwiches and how I prepare them be of a concern to Human Resources? Well to answer that question, I believe that Melanie in Payroll has been stealing them. About a week ago, there was a small group gossiping by the water coolers. I am quite positive that I saw a tiny piece of celery on the corner of Melanie’s lip. I am confident that I am the only one that adds celery to their tuna. I do believe that this stems back to an incident at the Christmas party last year. I don’t want to bog you down with details, but there was a bit of a love triangle situation that became complicated. I have tried to deal with this as amicably as possible, but the work environment has become volatile. I am also missing a Kenny Loggins CD from my desk. Listening to “Danger Zone” really gets me amped up for the day. Thank you for your attention to this matter. 

Grant Greenwell

Lead Data Analyst

Harper Aeronautics

To: ggreenwell@harperaeronautics.com

Subject: Re: Tuna Sandwich

Hi Grant, 

I’m very sorry to hear that your lunch has been disappearing. Are you quite positive that someone is taking it? This is a delicate situation as I would like some more facts before I outright accuse an employee of theft. Thank you.

Susan Brennan

Human Resources Manager

Harper Aeronautics

To: sbrennan@harperaeronautics.com

Subject: Re: Tuna Sandwich

Hi Susan,

I understand that this is a unique situation with many angles to consider. I hate to put you in an awkward position, but I am positive that Melanie from Payroll is responsible. As I mentioned earlier, this issue goes beyond office politics and at this point, is personal. For instance, sometimes my tuna sandwich is not missing. Sometimes there is a singular, deliberate bite missing from it. There was an occasion when “someone” opened the sandwich baggie, filled it with water, and placed it in the freezer. I had to wait about thirty minutes for it to thaw out. By the time that it did, it was soggy and I had to throw it out. Melanie happened to walk by my cubicle as I was tossing it into the bin and she made some sort of comment about how the vending machine has plenty of options. I have been an employee here for twelve years, and I have earned the right to eat a tuna sandwich every day if I would like. I have not fought my way up the proverbial office ladder only to be forced to eat an egg salad sandwich from a vending machine. Would you eat an egg-and-mayonnaise based sandwich that has been sitting in an unrefrigerated box for an indefinite amount of time? I certainly will not. Again, I am not looking to cause any unnecessary drama in the workplace, I would just like for this issue to be resolved so that I can return to a warm and friendly atmosphere. Thank you.

Grant Greenwell

Lead Data Analyst

Harper Aeronautics

To: mbourne@harperaeronautics.com

Subject: Meeting Tomorrow

Hi Melanie,

I hope you are staying nice and warm today. None of us like to shovel snow, but working from home in our pajamas is not too bad! I’m e-mailing you today with a rather bizarre question that I am not sure how to phrase. A fellow employee has contacted me and filed a formal complaint against you. This employee is under the impression that you have been stealing his marked lunch from the refrigerator in the break room. I think the three of us should schedule a time where we can sit down and discuss this matter. Does tomorrow at 9:45 in the conference room work for you?

Thanks,

Susan Brennan

Human Resources Manager

Harper Aeronautics

To: ggreenwell@harperaeronautics.com

Subject: Seriously?

Grant,

I am truly at a loss for words. A matter that I truly thought was between us, you go and complain to Human Resources. Over your lunch of all things. While we are dragging up odd things that happen around the office, should I inform all of GA what happened at the Christmas party? Were you honestly that drunk that you don’t remember that I walked in on you? I’m not one for confrontation, but now that HR is involved, all bets are off. I wouldn’t expect any more favors heading your way from the Payroll department. Also, I got your sticky note that you left on my monitor. I didn’t take your fucking Kenny Loggins CD.

Warm Regards,

Melanie Bourne

Payroll Specialist

Harper Aeronautics

To: ggreenwell@harperaeronautics.com

CC: mbourne@harperaeronautics.com

Subject: Meeting Follow Up

Dear Grant and Melanie,

After speaking with both of you individually and then together, I find it imperative that this matter is resolved in an amicable and timely manner.

Grant- There are no cameras in the breakroom, so there is no definitive way that I can verify who is going into the refrigerator each day. And your request for a Refrigerator Retinal Scan Device has been denied. Partly because people are not comfortable having their retinas scanned to grab their lunch, and partly because they do not exist.

Melanie- The references that you have made to last year’s Christmas parties are becoming redundant. Unless whatever happened there is pertinent information, and something is telling me it is not, then it seems like it is time to move on from whatever happened there. If you truly are taking the tuna sandwiches, and I never thought I would have to say this, but please stop. I hope that we can all return on Monday feeling rejuvenated and ready to put this issue behind us. Please let me know if you have any further questions.

Susan Brennan

Human Resources Manager

Harper Aeronautics

To: ggreenwell@harperaeronautics.com

Subject: Truce?

Hi Grant,

I had all weekend to think about this issue, and I agree with Susan. We should put this matter to bed and return to a friendly atmosphere. That night, I arrived at the party really thinking that we could be something special. During the karaoke portion of the evening, when Daryl was doing his drunken rendition of ‘Jingle Bell Rock’, I saw you dip into the break room. I thought you were going in there to fix another drink, so I thought it was the perfect time to walk in there and sheepishly ask if you were going to make me one too. In my mind, the months of flirtatious conversations and tension would build into a romantic crescendo. So, you can imagine my reaction when I looked in and saw you making out with that floozy bimbo they just hired at reception. You didn’t see me, but it’s been gnawing at me ever since and I just wanted to let you know that I saw you. Perhaps I’ve gone a bit off the deep end ever since, and for that I apologize. You should also know that I went to make a drink much later in the evening to drown my sorrows, and I saw what you and the other data analysts were doing. Even though my heart hurt, I did get quite a chuckle from it. I even saved the evidence if you boys were too sauced to remember.

Your friend and colleague,

Melanie Bourne

Payroll Specialist

Harper Aeronautics

To: mbourne@harperaeronautics.com

Subject: Re: Truce?

Dear Melanie,

Many drinks were had that evening, I’m not really sure what you are referencing. I’m not sure how deep your level of pettiness actually goes, but there are no cameras in the break room. You do not have any evidence. I also hate to break it to you, but there was never anything between us. I’m sorry that you misinterpreted our conversations about last night’s episode of Burn Notice by the coffee maker as affirmations of love. I suppose our in-depth conversations about how no one ever fills the paper tray was a proposal? I apologize if this comes off as harsh, but from the moment I saw that glistening piece of celery on your lip, my blood has been boiling. Please refrain from touching anything in the break room that is labeled Grant Greenwell.

Regards,

Grant Greenwell

Lead Data Analyst

Harper Aeronautics

To: ggreenwell@harperaeronautics.com

CC: mbourne@harperaeronautics.com

Subject: Final Decision

Grant and Melanie,

The time is 9:37 P.M. This is usually a time of night where I am fast asleep, or laying on my couch with a book. It is not usually a time where I am pacing back and forth in front of my computer, unable to formulate what to say to two grown adults. In my twenty plus years in the human resources field, I have never dealt with anything of this nature.

It has come to my attention that photocopied pictures of male genitalia have been hung up around the office. Attached to each picture is a photoshopped image of Grant’s head placed in a strategic area. Upon doing some sleuthing that I hope I never do again, I have had three employees corroborate a tale of Grant straddling the Xerox machine while intoxicated at the Christmas party. I have no way of knowing if the body parts strewn about the office belong to you Grant, nor do I intend to find out.

Melanie, I don’t think I’m going out on any limbs by saying that you are probably the one responsible for the redecorations. Grant, you will see a deduction in your next pay stub in order to replace parts on the copy machine that may have been tainted. There is literally nothing about this in the handbook. I’m at a loss. You are both being placed on a two-week paid administrative leave until I can make sense of this. Please don’t contact me for a while.

Susan Brennan

Human Resources Manager

Harper Aeronautics

To: sbrennan@harperaeronautics.com

Subject: Re: Final Decision

Dear Susan,

My deepest apologies for the headaches that this situation has caused you. I proclaim my innocence in this matter and would like another face-to-face conversation, without Melanie, before any drastic steps are taken. Please feel free to reach me on my cell phone as well.

Thank you,

Grant Greenwell

Lead Data Analyst

Harper Aeronautics

To: ggreenwell@harperaeronautics.com

Subject: AUTOMATED RESPONSE Re: Final Decision

Hello,

I will be on a leave of absence for the next two weeks and will be away from my computer. In case of any urgent matters, please contact my assistant John Parrish. It might be longer than two weeks. I don’t think I can do this anymore. Thank you.

Grant- Your Kenny Loggins CD is in the drawer with all the plastic silverware and mustard packets.

Susan Brennan

Human Resources Manager

Harper Aeronautics