The Heaviest Emotion

Warning; sensitive content : Physical violence, substance abuse, profanity

              It crushed her. Like a steamroller creeping over her prostrate body; the gravity of each moment pressed down heavier than the last. She cried out to God as the weight macerated her soul.

               But there was no relief. Why would God offer liberation when he manufactured the pressure in the first place? She knew the road she’d chosen. While the full extent of the consequences failed to enter her mind, she could not claim innocence.

               As she laid in the dewy grass, the dominos of the last year toppled in her brain; revealing just how small the moments can be that lead to a place of unbearable pain.

****

               ::Beep::

               The cilantro rang up as regular. Becca had grabbed organic.

               A voice inside said tell the cashier. But she remained silent. The difference in amount paled in comparison to the cost in time to fix it. Besides, it wasn’t her mistake. Still, a vague feeling nagged her as she walked to the car. The feeling built frustration in Becca’s mind, and she performed mental gymnastics to will the sensation away. By the time her dusty Toyota Corolla rolled out of the parking lot, she’d successfully squashed the unease.

               One week later, a cashier made another mistake. The error favored the store this time.

               Well, maybe this is meant to be. I can pay back the difference; with interest.

               The optimism sunk as she realized the error equaled over twenty dollars.

               God, you can’t expect me to pay back that much.

               “Ma’am, it looks like you rang up too many heads of broccoli.”

               The cashier scrolled through and said, “No, there’s two.”

               “Yes, but I see one rang as one and the other rang as eleven.”

               “Good heavens, you’re right. I’m so sorry about that.”

               A manager adjusted the total, and Becca paid; her feelings a jumbled mess. But as she loaded the car, a distinct sensation cut through. Two heads of broccoli were placed into the trunk. Eleven heads had been removed from her total. If her math was right, she was only charged for one.

               “Crap.”

               This time, it was an honest mistake on Becca’s part. She really didn’t notice when the cashier had made the adjustment. Now she had to decide.

Once again, the idea of fixing a small amount seemed unreasonable. And none of this was her fault. So, Becca carried on with her afternoon, thinking surely everything would balance in the end.

               Two days later, the phone rang.

               “Hello?”

               “Hi Becca, how are you?”

               “I’m okay Allie, and you?”

               Allie didn’t sound quite right, and silence followed Becca’s simple question.

               “What’s wrong?”

               The conversation took twists and turns, driving around the point of the call. Finally, Allie couldn’t hold it in anymore.

               “The doctor found a mass on my bladder last month. I just got the results; it’s cancer”

               This time, Becca was silent.

               Allie’s frail voice whispered, “I don’t want to burden you.”

               “You are not a burden. Sorry I was silent; I just didn’t want to say the wrong thing. I am so very sorry, Allie.”

               “I’m just so tired, Becca.”

               “I know you are.”

               Becca failed to bring hope to Allie’s circumstances. She didn’t even ask to pray for Allie in that moment. Becca only wanted to know if she could share with their other friends that Allie wasn’t doing too well.

               “So they can pray for you,” Becca said, deceiving herself. She ignored the thought that really, she couldn’t keep something like this to herself. She’d never been good at secrets. Before her husband had passed, she’d had the hardest time keeping his Christmas gift a surprise. Every year, the moment the gift was wrapped, she started teasing him with it. She’d hoped the attention would get him to open it early. Keeping the secret was almost too much to bear.

               And with this news, she’d be the center of attention; at least for a few moments. She was the one dear friend trusted to confide in over all the others. Becca could not deny the warmth that placed in her heart, even while it ached over the fact that this was tragic.

               “Let’s just keep this between us right now, okay?”

               Becca groaned internally, “Okay.”

               But she didn’t honor her friend’s request. Less than an hour after speaking to Allie, Becca reached out to another friend. Sharon was only Becca’s friend; she didn’t know Allie. Becca convinced herself this made it okay. She revealed what Allie had shared; telling Sharon how heavy the news weighed on her. And how Allie wanted the information kept secret.

Sharon consoled and encouraged Becca; telling her what a good friend she was. She got the praise she secretly wanted, but the results weren’t like what Becca had experienced before. An uncomfortable sensation formed deep in her chest.

The feeling followed her for days; she just couldn’t shake it. In a moment of desperation, she went to the liquor store. Becca had never been a big drinker, but she needed something to lift the heaviness. As she mixed a cocktail, thoughts assailed her.  

You told God you weren’t going to drink during this Bible study session. And it wasn’t even a big deal because alcohol is not that important to you. What are you doing?

I just got bad news from a friend. God will understand, right? It’s not like I’m going to get drunk; I just need to take the edge off.

The mass inside her stirred as she stared at the pale, yellow concoction. She knew if she drank it, the sensation would only continue to grow. Was it worth the small amount of time the feeling would be deadened by the rum?

Numbing, cold liquid ran down her throat. The choice was made. And the sensation in her chest melted away. At least for a little while.

***

“Stop!”

A voice slashed through Becca’s memories. Adrenaline lifted her to a crouching position. Her head darted side to side, but she didn’t see anyone.

“You know that’s not why you’re here.”

Her limbs began to quiver. She managed a whisper, “Who…who are you?”

“Becca, you know who I am.”

Terror engulfed her. She planted back into the ground, shaking uncontrollably.

“Be still!”

Her body stopped. She laid face down in the grass.

“I didn’t come to terrify you. I came to help. You cried out to me. But I can only help if you are honest.”

I don’t understand.

“Becca, you do understand. These memories from the past year; they merely pick at the surface of the burden that lies within you. You’ve been fighting every nudge of my spirit, as though to prove you deserve the pain you feel. You have to face the source of your affliction.”

I can’t.

“Then you will continue to live under this weight.”

Becca fought for breath. She fell back into a seated position, but kept her head bowed.

When the voice didn’t continue, Becca cried out, “Please don’t leave me!”

“I’ll never leave you, but fighting my spirit will keep you from feeling my presence.”

“I’m not ready.”

“You are ready. It’s why you came here.”

One Year Earlier

“Get out!”

Charlie planted his patented puppy dog face, “But mom, where am I supposed to go?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe the countless rehab facilities I’ve found for you?!”

“Mom, you know I can’t go there. They’ll kill me!”

“Charlie, I know you think you can’t stop. But I promise you, with the right help, you can. And your life will be so much better. You just have to trust me.”

“You don’t understand mom.”

“Maybe I don’t. But I can’t live like this anymore.” She lugged two canvas bags onto the front porch. They contained all the belongings Charlie had left in the world.

Charlie’s eyes grew closer together. His cheeks burned as fire engulfed his soul. “You can’t do this!” He marched to the wall beside Becca, and slammed his fist into it; leaving a hole behind. It just added to the number of holes that already existed. Becca stiffened, but didn’t budge. While Charlie raged on the outside, Becca raged within. How did she ever end up with a boy like him? Sure, she’d made mistakes; all parents do. But he’d never lacked for food, clothing, shelter; or love and attention. Becca had smothered Charlie with attention when he was young. Her mother had never been that affectionate, and she wanted to be different with Charlie. So, she really had no idea how things ended up like this.

“Please don’t make me call the cops.”

Charlie slowly stomped past her, muttering “You’ll let me back in. You always do.”

But Becca had decided enough was enough.

She knew this might be the last time she ever saw her son.

Tell him you love him.

Who was Becca kidding? Not only did she not tell Charlie she loved him, she didn’t even have that thought. She’d been angry for so long; she could no longer find love for Charlie in her heart. Surely it still existed in there somewhere, but the seething pain had it buried so deep, no trace was evident.

She could still hear the squeal of his wrathful departure as she dialed the number of a locksmith. She knew she should feel sad or distraught. But she didn’t. She didn’t feel anything at all.

Late that night, Becca heard rattling in the living room. She knew what the noise was and fury seized her as she dialed the number she never wanted to call.

“911, what’s your emergency?”

            “Someone is trying to break into my house.”

Pounding descended on the front door, and Charlie’s voice rang out, “Mom! My key isn’t working! Mom! What the f*ck … did you change the locks? You b*tch!”

With all the strength she could muster, Becca pronounced, “Charlie, I’ve already called the police, you need to leave.”

“I’m not going anywhere; this is my house too!”

He suddenly appeared outside the living room window. Charlie’s eyes dripped with evil as they pierced Becca’s spirit. Then he slipped out of sight.

“A unit is already on their way. Hang tight.”

“He walked away. He might be leaving.”

“Ma’am, stay on the line until an officer has arrived. Okay?”

“Okay.”

Becca remained vigilant. He won’t give up that easily. She wished she could think better of her son, but the last five years of experience demanded she couldn’t.

A shrill crack echoed behind her.

Becca ran to her bedroom. “He’s in the back yard! He’s breaking through the window!”

Sirens blared, and a voice told Charlie to drop his weapon and put his hands behind his head.

Lord, you have to help him. I can’t do it anymore.

A thunderous crack deafened her prayer. Becca stood in that spot for what felt like eternity. She couldn’t remember what happened next.

***

Becca looked up at the curved stone. Her face sagged from the weight of her burden. The force didn't make her cry so much as it pushed the tears right out of her.

“You tried to help him over and over.”

“I know.”

“He attacked the officer; he was going to attack you.”

“I know.”

“So, why are you here? What is really haunting you? You cannot be freed until you face it.”

But how? How could she possibly face the feeling she’d spent months trying to run from. Every moment since that day, she’d questioned every action and motive. Admitting it to herself would shatter the very person she thought she was.

“Anything can be forgiven Becca.”

“I’m not sure I believe that.”

Because Becca did remember. She remembered an officer finding her in the bedroom. She remembered him confirming her suspicion about Charlie. What she’d hidden from herself; what her brain furiously fought to not acknowledge, was the reaction she had in that moment. As the officer’s lips formed the words your son is dead, all she felt was relief.