A Winter Suicide

I wanted to kill myself.

I had it planned: the where, when, how. The cabin I’d chosen for what I was going to was small and cozy. Nothing much, since I wouldn’t stay for long. The creeping feeling of hunger was slowly overtaking my stomach. Why not have a meal before I…?

After a visit to the camp store, I’d managed to buy a water bottle and make a sandwich to eat. I took a few bites and had a feeling like I was gonna be sick.  I didn’t finish it.

I’d known the date I wanted to go since well, two years ago. My father’s birthday: January 5. I thought, why not go to heaven on the anniversary of the day my dad came to the opposite of it?

The cabin was so quiet. I was too used to camping with my siblings, back when I was a kid, too used to noise. I put on my headphones and, not knowing what the last thing I wanted to listen to was, listened to nothing.

Why is life so hard, and even with that being true, why is it so hard to leave it? I picked up the phone and called my dad. I knew he wouldn’t pick up, but I waited till it went to voicemail. What I spoke into it would be my note and the only one I would leave.

I opened the window and breathed in the fresh air. The snow being its blinding self and the cold nipping at my nose and cheeks. Do it now. Before you second-guess yourself.

The pills felt so small in my hand. I couldn’t believe these would do it, but they would and I popped them in my mouth. As I laid down on the bed to let the drug do its work, I thought about why I wanted to do this to myself. I thought about the doctor who had told me I was going to die of a cancer in my pancreas. I thought about my mother’s reaction. I thought about my decision to take my death into my own hands. Then, I thought about my life and how I’d lived it. My regrets and happy moments. Then, it happened.

There comes a moment that you know, without a doubt, that you’re going to die. At that moment, I felt a twinge of regret. Regret that I would never see my sister get married or that I wouldn’t see the rest of my life. But, then something changed. It wasn’t happiness but it wasn’t sadness either. It was something higher up and more complex.

“I’m coming, Daddy.”

I wanted to kill myself. I don’t know if it was the right or wrong decision, but I wanted to kill myself and I did.