Be Happy

     Tears are streaming down my face. I’m here waiting next to the hospital bed for him to wake up. To say something. People keep staring as they pass by, but I don't care. From this point on, I don’t care what people think of me anymore. “Mmh.” My eyes dart up to Josh. His face appears blurry due to my tear filled eyes. “Josh?” My voice cracks. The beeping of the machine makes my heart hurt. “Riley.” He says, looking up at me. He uses the little strength he has to wipe my tears. “Josh.” I try to stay strong for him. “I’m so sorry, I wish I could do something.” I feel so helpless. The thing about me is that I feel like I always need to be in control. I can’t now. The time it matters most, I have no control at all and because of that I'm about to lose the most important person in my life. “Stop, please, it’s not your fault. You can’t control the inevitable.” Gosh he knows me so well. “The cancer is too much, it was bound to happen.” He says trying to comfort me. Even when he’s on his deathbed, he still wants to make sure I’m okay. “I know, I just wish the chemotherapy would’ve worked.” A moment of silence fills the room. “Can you come here?” He asks me. I go over and lay next to Josh on the bed, but still making sure he is comfortable. “Promise me something?” He says. “Anything.” I would do anything for this man. “Please, when I’m gone, try to be happy.” He says, staring into my eyes. “I’ll try.” I promise, the tears stream down my face again. He kisses me, for the last time. The machine is still beeping. The doctors said we only had a few minutes before his heart stopped. “Riley, I love you.” He says. “I love you too Josh.” I look at his soft smile. His eyes start to close. “Beeeeeeeeeeeep.” The machine goes off. “No. no. no. no. no. no.” I say leaning my head into his chest. My tears pouring out like a rainstorm. The doctors come rushing in. They try to pull me off. “No please, you can’t take him from me.” I say trying to fight them off of me. I finally stop, remembering what Josh said, “be happy.” Tears are still coming down. I wipe my eyes and look at him one last time. “I’m sorry.” The doctor said, giving me a sympathetic look. “Me too.” I whisper. 

     The first day was the worst. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I didn’t even want to leave my bed. It’s not fair. It’s not fair I get to live and he doesn’t. Life is not fair. How am I supposed to continue on? No, I shake that thought away from my head... I have to, for Josh. He wants me to be happy, and I must keep my promise to him. 

     Day two was the same as day one. I did not eat, sleep, or move from my bed. I couldn’t find the strength to do anything. Day three, day three was the day I finally got up. I stayed in my house, but at least I was finally out of my bed. I tried to eat, but it just came back up. All day I got calls from friends and family, but I didn’t want to talk to them at that moment. I would eventually call them back later. Day four and five, I finally started to eat. It was barely anything, but it’s something. Day six is when I started to call my friends and family back. It was full of “I’m sorrys” and “this must be hard on you.” Oh, and the best one yet was “I know how you must feel,” but no. No one could possibly know how I feel right now. I lost the person who means everything to me. My rock. My best friend. My love. I was the broken glass and he was the glue. Now all that is left are my shards. 

 It’s been a week. A whole week went by and I feel as though the whole world stopped. My whole world has stopped, but no one else's did. Everyone else is going about their day. Keeping on with their normal lives. I can’t even do that. I don’t even know what my normal life is anymore. The only thing that is keeping me going is the promise I made to Josh. That I would try and be happy. I have to, for him. 

One Year Later 

     Not one day goes by without me thinking of him. Not in a bad way, in a good one. A way where I remember his life and his charisma. He loved to enjoy every moment. This is how I tried to keep up with my promise to him. I tried and tried to enjoy the moment this past year. Well as much of it as I could enjoy. It wasn’t and still isn’t easy. I remembered every moment we shared, and it helped me feel better. I cried a lot, but remembering all the good times we had, puts a smile on my face, even though it makes me miss him dearly. I know he is at peace right now and finally after a year, I am happy. I, of course, still feel the hole of him being gone, and the emptiness that is now in my life, but I keep moving forward for him. I’m still in our house. His possessions are still here. I know some people might think it’s not healthy, that i’m still “holding on.” That isn’t what I am doing though; his things are still here so I can remember and honor his life. He loved these things, each one meant something to him and knowing this makes me happy and I know I can not get rid of them. It makes me happy that I kept my promise to him. I know he is probably smiling down at me now. I miss him so much. I don’t think a day will go by that I won’t think about him. You can’t just forget a person like Josh. He was someone that left their mark on the world. The fact that he made so many people happy and helped so many people, makes him memorable. While this doesn’t change what happened to him, it makes it feel like he is still here. He spread out happiness and kindness, care and love whenever he got the chance. That was another reason why I loved him. I still love him, I always will. I am happy. He made me promise to try and “be happy” and I achieved that. It makes my heart ache because I know this is what he wanted. I know he would be so happy just because of my happiness. He has such a good heart, and because of his good heart, his presence will still be here through others' happiness.