A Long Ride

Sensitive content: Suicide, adult language

The afternoon insects of summer were picking up intensity on their chorus as Sharon approached that same familiar, gut-clenching turnoff. Her heart fluttered as she steered, her ears beginning to roar almost loud enough to drown out the buggy thrums.

“Don’t say I never did anything for you, big brother,” she mumbled.

The car lurched up the steep, narrow driveway past the hideous sea foam green mailbox she’d always hated. Listening to her brakes squeal, she resisted the urge to spin a donut into Dina’s overly grassy yard and bust ass out of there. There was no way Dina hadn’t heard, and no way she wouldn’t comment on it.

Sure enough, the curtains in the front window were parting and a head was peeking out. Sharon cringed as she put the car in park. She waited.

Minutes ticked by. Sharon finally laid on the horn. Dina flounced out, tossing a look over her shoulder as she slammed and locked her door.

“Jeez,” she hissed, the passenger door flying open. “You can’t just give me a second.”

“I gave you at least 300 seconds,” Sharon snapped.

Dina huffed, her bangs flying off her tan forehead. “God, I heard your brakes coming from like, light years away though. Don’t you ever maintenance this freakin’ car?”

“You can always call an Uber.”

Dina settled back into her seat. “No – hey! Watch my freakin’ azaleas. Oh my god. Haven’t you ever turned around in this driveway before?”

Sharon stiffened. “That’s rich. And you know it’s been a while.”

“Yeah, no shit,” Dina mumbled.

The thick silence went on as Dina dug through her purse. Sharon thought she would welcome the quiet, but instead she desperately wondered why the cicadas outside weren’t working harder to cover it up.

Dina was dabbing on lipstick and looking in the mirror. “I don’t know why I even bother to try and look nice for this, of all things.”

Sharon shrugged and said nothing.

“You really don’t have anything to say to me?”

Sharon sighed. “I think you already said enough for both of us.”

“I barely said shit. Come on Shar. I need somebody to at least act like they’re not blaming me.”

“Nobody’s blaming you-“

“Hah!” The sudden loudness of her tone made Sharon jump. “I know you blame me. I know you –“

“I never blamed you,” Sharon hissed. “Just stop it. Just stop it right now.”

“You just quit talking to me and never told me why. You left me to deal with all this shit on my own.”

“Well I’m here now. And I never just quit talking to you. I tried to call -” The GPS directions spoke over her and drowned her out as she approached the interstate.

“Shut up, GPS lady,” Dina demanded, grabbing Sharon’s phone.

“There, that’s much better. You picked the most annoying freakin’ voice for this app I have ever heard. If you’d upgrade your car, you’d have a better –“

“I need that,” Sharon cried. “Did you turn that off?”

“Chill, it’s just silenced. I’ll watch it.”

Watch it like you watched after Drew, right, Sharon thought.

“We’re just staying on I-95 till exit 86, anyway,” said Dina. “Now listen. I want to know why the hell we don’t like each other.”

“I always liked you! I always tried to help you! I –“

“Gave up and left me by myself after Drew went away.”

“I – I don’t remember doing that. I tried to reach out to you and you, you ignored me. You -”

“I wouldn’t have ignored you. I would have remembered if you did. It was like you just gave up on finding Drew and you –“

“I never gave up on him. I just knew when enough was enough!” Sharon realized she was almost shouting.

“Oh, really! So you just expected me to give up on my husband. You thought –“

“I thought he was GONE! We both knew he wasn’t going to turn up alive.”

“No, but I had to try,” Dina muttered.

“Try? I’ll tell you about trying! YOU could have tried, you could’ve done more to help him to start with!” Sharon shrieked. “YOU should have made him get some help. YOU should’ve –“

“Well it was a little freakin’ late for that, huh Sharon? Did you want me to hire a psychic? How about a seance? Huh? Did you –“

“STOP IT!” Sharon hollered, sputtering through the salty tears invading her mouth. “Just STOP! I’m taking you to the damn place! What do you want from me?”

“I wanted you to act like a sister,” Dina said softly. “10 miles to your exit.”

“I can read the signs,” Sharon seethed. “And I’m not your sister.”

“I know you can,” Dina said. “If you can see them.” She handed a tissue over to Sharon, who didn’t miss the grimace Dina made at the loud nose-blowing honk.

“And I said at my wedding, IF you remember, that I had always wanted a sister and now I had one.”

“Okay.”

“Okay? That’s all I get, is okay.”

“What do you want me to say? I came to get you for this didn’t I?”

“Yes, and I am thankful for that. Believe me. Makes more sense than separate cars and roughing it out on our own. It’s rough enough.”

“Well, I agree,” said Sharon.

“Then that’s something. 5 miles,” Dina said.

“Yes, thank you,” Sharon sniffed. “Of course this is where the traffic starts to build up for no reason.”

“So you can be stuck with me a while longer?” The surprising warmth of Dina’s tone cut through the chill of the AC. “Why did you really agree to pick me up, anyway?”

“I’m right down the way from you.”

“And yet I haven’t seen you in a year. Couldn’t even believe you answered my text.”

“And Drew would’ve wanted me to,” Sharon pushed on.

“Yes,” Dina said. “He would’ve wanted a lot of things.”

“He would’ve wanted us not to fight.”

“I don’t even know why we’re fighting,” Dina said. “Look, if there was something else I could’ve done, if I could’ve stopped him from buying that gun, if I knew he wasn’t well still –“

“Okay, almost to the exit now. You don’t have to go on.”

“I want to,” Dina insisted, twisting in her seat to face Sharon’s grimacing profile. “Sharon, look at me.”

“I can’t, I’m driving.”

“We’re at a STANDSTILL!” Dina hollered.

“And we’re moving,” Sharon proclaimed, triumphantly transferring her foot to the gas.

“Not for long!” Dina sang out as Sharon slammed on the brake pedal. “Oh my god, please get someone to WD-40 that shit.”

“You don’t WD-40 brakes!”

“I wouldn’t know. Drew took care of all that for me.” Dina was examining her thumb.

“He loved you. I’m sorry he was so difficult,” Sharon heard herself saying, almost to her horror. What was she doing? It wasn’t her fault he was difficult! None of this was her fault!

“Yeah,” Dina said. “Well, as you know, he was fun, he was sweet, he was loving. He just had something he couldn’t beat. And I tried. I did. Maybe I didn’t do everything right, but I tried, Sharon.”

“I was so scared,” Sharon whispered. “When he didn’t come back for days and then we found out he had bought that gun.”

“I know you were hoping we’d hear something like he just wandered off and got lost. We cried so much together in the beginning. We leaned on each other. Why did we stop, Shar?” Dina met Sharon’s trembling hand with another tissue.

“I don’t know,” Sharon breathed. “I knew he wasn’t coming back. It was easier for me not to deal with your hope.”

Dina’s sharp intake of air startled her.

“Hey, I’m sorry, Dina. I’m sorry. I had hope too. And I had to let it go.”

“And I guess you were right. As we now know, I was stupid to have hope.”

“You weren’t. But I knew he was dead long before now. And I couldn’t handle just waiting and waiting that he’d be – found alive. I had to let the hope go.”

“You had to let me go.”

“No. I didn’t. I – I tried to call.”

“How many times, Sharon? How many times?”

“I don’t know! Maybe it was twice.”

“More like once, after months of silence and ignoring my calls? And you wanted me to pick up and just tell you it was fine? You stopped coming to the searches, you wouldn’t even come to your DOOR –“

“Yeah, and so you stomped all over my zinnias!”

“Oh my god. I did not.” Dina paused. “Okay, I think I did, but it was sort of an accident.”

“An accident? Is this like that time you told Drew it was an accident you broke that ugly figurine of his, or it was an accident you –“

“Broke the end table doing a cartwheel,” Dina finished. “Hahaha. See, you’re laughing. This isn’t worth it.”

Sharon let her laughter die a natural death as she steered down the exit.

“Well, keep right and then it’s right in that big scary gray building,” Dina said stiffly. “And then you can stay here if you want. I’m the only one that really has to do this.”

“No. I’m coming in.”

The brakes screamed out as the old tired car came to rest in its chosen space. Sharon waited for the comment on its vitality as it shuddered off.

“Okay,” Dina said. “We made it this far. Come on Sharon. Let’s go see him. Let’s identify what’s left.”