Winter Solstice

Do you ever get emotional on flights? As the plane ascended into the crisp white sky I began to think of my life from a third-person perspective. Who is this person with AirPods snoring to my left? The neighbor to my right plays Tetris on his iPad as I flick through the newly added movies. Without much thought, I selected Sleepless in Seattle, a holiday romance classic about finding love through divine coincidence.

With every second New York gets further and further away. I reflect on my year. I remember waking up on January 1st next to my ex who was mad at me because he hadn't seen his friends the previous night. The only body I can control is my own. How would I have any influence over who someone can or can't see? We had only met up the previous night two hours before midnight, he had had plenty of time to do as he pleased.

We had broken up a while ago but last Christmas Eve he called me repeatedly whispering sweet words about how he, "wanted to walk around a cold city with me,"

Of course, being a romantic, I obliged. I met him at the apartment where he was cat-sitting in the East Village. It was a single bedroom owned by a painter with an eye for interior design and an amazing book collection. I arrived annoyed, thinking about the risotto I was supposed to cook for the potluck that evening.

He sat stoic as always. His words came out either in fiery bursts of passion or stifled mumbles when he was trapped in his own head. We were in two seats facing each other on either side of the room. I took off my hat and scarf readjusting from the brisk air outside. The hiss of the heater filled up the space of our silence. The crisp light of New York winter shined through the window as the sunset. How luxurious, I could see the sky from here.

"I want to forget everything before this moment. Let's just pretend that this is our house and that's our cat. Just as if it always had been and always will be like this. Look there's your book and the quilt I gave to you last winter. The one I cover you up with when you fall asleep on the couch after late nights at school. I don't want to fight anymore I just want to enjoy the pleasure of being with you."

Gullibly, my tense shoulders fell along with my coat. I was in the mood for make-believe. If someone offered to tell me a story and I have time on my hands why not?

I sat beside him on the couch, lined with orange fabric. He placed his hand on mine and slumped over onto my shoulder.

My head jolted up. The head on my shoulder belonged to the man sitting next to me on the plane I could hear Black Flag blasting from his airpods. I politely tried to remove this stranger from me. Still asleep, his limp neck flopped over onto the other side, smacking the plane wall. Gazing out the window, the land was abstracted from this height. Highways began to look more like capillaries than a habitable environments. Goodbye New York! Goodbye stupid stinky lying ex and stupid 9am- 10pm classes and part time job. I'm going home.

My dad pulled up to gate 3 in our run-down Prius. I put my duffel bag in the trunk and we headed onto the 280.

"How was your flight?"

"It was fine." I pressed my head onto the cold glass window watching all the familiar little trees and boxy houses pass us by. They blended into one another in a barrage of blues and greens.

He clicked the key into the lock.

"You must be tired but Amy and I are headed to her friend, Nan's winter solstice party if you want to come."

"Oh my god."

I set my bag down on my bed.

"Ready"

Nan had this several-story Victorian in a nicer part of town. We headed up the stairs and through the stained-glass doors into a house smelling of fresh cinnamon and velvet curtains. We went around greeting unfamiliar faces, shaking hands, and exchanging names. As always my dad and Amy, his girlfriend, did most of the talking while I stood behind them trying to be invisible. The crowd was in their late 60s. They sat on tastefully patterned, overstuffed couches, surrounding a grand piano holding chalices of perfectly aged wine, wearing knit sweaters or velvet dresses adorned with pearls. The warm light was dim, mimicking candles. I stared at my dirty sneakers inappropriately placed lush red carpeting which ran throughout the house.

I recalled coming here when I was young and being scolded for going straight to the dessert table. Now that I'm in college, I'm older and more mature. I will have at least three awkward conversations before making my way over there.

One

Two

Three

I excused myself to find the restroom. Framed pictures adorned the patterned walls. The house looked as if it had come straight out of a 70s catalog. Stained-glass lamp fixtures glowed soft greens, reds, and yellows. Ornately wood-carved framed family photos adorned the hall as I made my way toward the "bathroom." There was a familiar melody coming from a room down the hall. The door was cracked and I walked towards it. Peeking inside, there was a group of people my age. They were elegantly dressed, as if the crowd downstairs were 40 years younger, in jewels and kitten heels. The sounds of laughter and stench of booze wafted out the window into the night sky.

"Hey"

I looked up.

"Do you want to come in? We just popped open the champagne."

The guy speaking was about my age and seemed familiar. He was about a foot taller than me with a slight smile on his face. I must have been spacing out for a while because then he said, "Are you there? It's good I swear we only drink the best."

"Oh yeah sure." I heard the words coming out of my mouth hoping that they didn't sound sarcastic. I followed him into the room and he poured me a glass. The room was filled with unintelligible chatter so we leaned towards each others' ears to speak.

"Are you from here?" I said without thinking.

"Yes, I'm from right here. This is my room."

"Oh." Stupid stupid, mentally smacking myself on the forehead.

"Did you go to Washington High School with Max and them?"

Max is one of my best friends. I still send him memes every day.

"Yeah! How do you know Max?"

"We went to middle school together. Were you at his rager a few years ago?"

I laughed. "The prom party where some of those random guys came in and broke his door? That was, hands down, the most iconic one."

"What if I told you a secret?"

"Go for it."

He paused for a moment, looking around the room.

"I was one of those guys. Me and my buddies were party hopping and a friend of mine was Max's neighbor so we saw lights flashing and people dancing, so naturally we decided to see what was going on."

"YOU!" I said a bit too loud. Whisper-laughing instead, I said, "You were in that group? I made out with one of those guys after my date ditched me. I can't even remember what he looked like."

I took a sip from my drink. He did the same. His curly brown hair covered his hazel eyes as he bent down to tie his shoelace. Standing back up he said.

"I think that may have been me."

"No. I don't think someone so handsome would want to kiss me--"

I put both my hands over my mouth. I have a habit of oversharing when I'm nervous. I stared at him with my eyes like a goldfish. He was chuckling. I turned to scan the room while nonchalantly taking another sip of my drink. Play it cool. Play it sexy. This is a classy party. I am not wearing a sweat-stained airplane outfit right now. It's still not too late to ransack the dessert table and head home.

"I wanted to text you."

I nearly choked. Coughing, I said, "What?"

"You gave me your number and I really wanted to text you but I had to lay low because Max was on the hunt trying to find the group that broke his door. I remember how pretty you looked in that deep blue dress. I was wondering how anyone could leave you alone, especially on prom night."

"Well me and my boyfriend were fighting that night. Our relationship had been nearing its end for a while. He obviously had feelings for, uh what's her face, Parker or something. She was his partner in biology. He smiled way more when he talked to her than he ever did with me so at some point during the night I was just like 'Look man, it's okay I want you to be happy so be honest with yourself.' And he did. He went to go chat with her and they're still together and we still see each other occasionally."

I took a breath. Oh god. He didn't need to know all of that. No one cares about my trivial failures in romance. Quick, think of a recovery.

"But in hindsight, I'm happy. If that didn't happen, maybe I wouldn't be standing here talking to you."

I stared at my feet again.

"Yeah, I think I remember you saying something like that. You sat down next to me you were ranting about your night. I had braces back then and didn't hit my growth spurt until after graduation so I don't blame you for not remembering me."

"Oh yeah! I thought you were really sweet and such a great listener."

"You were adamant about trying to see Jupiter from Max's telescope outside on the porch."

"So you helped me walk outside because those heels were hurting my feet."

"I held your hand and we were alone outside. It was finally quiet and we could hear each other speak."

"You told me that you never used a telescope before so I was trying to show you how to adjust the knob."

"We were still holding hands."

"I got the focus just right and was excited to show you. I pulled away from the telescope and saw your face."

"Next to mine."

We stared at one another for a while. It was humid inside the room with the same warm lighting. Drunk people had their arms around each other, laughing to themselves on the couch, as they swayed in the background to the beat of the song. He had soccer trophies and movie posters all around his room.

"I got really into astronomy after that actually. I'm minoring in it right now. My school gave me a grant to get a new telescope. It's up on the roof. I just set it up. If you want to we can--"

"Can we go look at Julipter?"