What Tore Us Apart

Marcy sat around her potter’s wheel at 3:00am on Wednesday morning in her small basement studio. This studio was built by her late husband Rod – to think Rod had just died 4 days ago, it barely felt real. Rod loved building things with his hands and that was one of the things that had drawn her to him. She was also a creative – painting, embroidery, furniture upholstery and ceramics; Marcy was always making. She gathered up her clay with no real plans of what she wanted to create in mind. With a cut of the stoneware clay plopped and centred, Marcy sat at the wheel. After damping her hands and the clay, the wheel was started as did her handwork. As the wheel spun the clay became more and more obscure with tears. Her life was like this bit of clay; lumpy, misshapen and with no clear direction. The rug had been yanked violently from beneath her and she was spiralling into a dark void. She shuddered and stifled a sob and gripped the clay a tad too hard. The clay fell apart and so did Marcy. In all honesty, it fell apart at Rod’s death bed. With his last few dying breaths, he shattered her heart into millions of pieces. In that singular moment, all truths became lies like a light switched turned off.  All these years that she had spent married to a monster and not knowing, no more like closing her eyes to the horns that stood atop his head. It kissed her tenderly and held her in its arms at night time. It professed love to her, time and time again and renewed vows with her in Hawaii with all their family present. Her entire life was built around it and all the lies it spewed. When Rod fell ill, and the cancer had started to ravish his body, she held his hand. Nursed him through chemotherapy and waning body functions. The cancer had eaten him down to the bare bones, and all through it, Marcy cared for the man she loved more than anything. As he clung to his last bit of life, he gripped Marcy’s hand and told her the truth. But it was all too late; too, too late. The damage had already been done. Worst of all, he wasn’t around to suffer the aftermath of what he had done. Marcy cried till there were no tears left.

Marcy stood in the garden of Bellevue Mental Health hospital and rehabilitation centre on Windward Road. The garden was in full bloom since she had last been here. Bees were buzzing around dandelions, cherry blossoms and geraniums.  She had not been here in 8 months, after the last visit which did not go well as it normally did. She spent more time focused on Rod and helping him through his illness. He needed her more. The nurse pointed out the patient Marcy was looking for. Drawing a deep breath in and filling her lungs with confidence, she walked over to the patient that was seated on a stone bench under a large Elm tree. She had a book open in her hands but her gaze was far off in the distance.

“Hi Melody.”  Her voice soft as if speaking to a small child.

At first, the expression she was greeted with was vacant then it turned quickly to anger.

“What are you doing here!?”  The scowling face spat out.

Well, Marcy thought, this was better than the last visit. At her last visit Melody completely ignored her and did not say a single word to her.

“Melody, I just want to talk to you, please don’t walk away.” Marcy drew closer to the young woman who looked so much like a younger version of herself only with shorter hair. Her little girl had always favoured a bob cut.  She felt if she closed the distance between them her word, Melody would see how sincere she was, how repentant she. She wouldn’t storm off like she did at most of their visits. Melody was in this institution now for three years after she had checked herself in. This was all her fault, she did this to her daughter who was crying for help over and over but Rod had convinced her Melody needed tough love. They only reconnected because Melody had listed her as next of kin. The fact was she was her only family and she turned her back on her.

“Mel, I just want to say I believe you and I should have all those years ago. Rod told me the truth before he…. he passed away. I know now what he did to you. I’m so, so, so sorry Mel.”

Melody stared at her mother as if this was the first time seeing this vile woman. Marcy’s brown eyes shone with unshed tears and that angered Melody more, “I told you what he did to me when I was 15! And 16! You believe him and not me!? I am your daughter.” Melody thumped her chest.

“I know, I just couldn’t believe,” Marcy reached over to hold her daughter’s shoulder who shrunk away from her, “I mean he was kind to us after…”

Melody walked off and towards another bench that was further out in the yard, closer to the main building. The white walls of the buildings were bright with the sunlight.  Other patients ambled about in their white and blue outfits.  Marcy got up and ran behind her, her guilt chasing her.  Melody sat on the bench and drew her skinny legs closer to her body. Her facial expression was one of pain and anger. So much anger. This anger had caused Melody to spiral into drugs, prostitution and homelessness.  Marcy tried to touch her again but was stopped by a nasty snarl.

“You chose him over me. You always put any man that gave you any attention above me! Why do you keep coming here? Haven’t you hurt me enough bitch!?” She rocked back and forth faster than she was before.

“Melody, it’s just…..you were acting out so much and you were dating that older boy. Remember Dennis, and you would sneak out all night long and lie to me. How could I trust …. I wanted to trust you; I did.  I thought he got you pregnant and you were ashamed. Dennis left right after that. I just couldn’t see Rod doing this. When he told me, I just died inside, thinking of all you went through. It all makes sense to me now. The drugs and the boyfriends and everything. I am…”

“If you say you are sorry one more time, I will vomit! Leave me, alone woman! Go die and be with your rapist husband!”

There was silence for a while; Marcy did not know what to say. How do you undo two decades of pain you caused your only daughter?

“Melody, nothing I say now will be able to fix what I did, or didn’t do but know that I always loved you and I still do.”

Melody did not respond but started to pick at a loose thread on her pants. The last time she remembered hearing her mom say I love you was after she had her miscarriage. When they went to the hospital, she made her promise not to bring up Rod’s name because she was tired of her lies. Mom said she knew one of her boyfriends was the father and she was only trying to stir up trouble because she missed her father.  She was only sixteen then. She ran away from home three months later and never looked back.

“Did you look for me after I ran away?”

“For a while, yes but Rod said you probably didn’t want to found. I thought maybe you ran off to New York. You always wanted to go there.”

Melody laughed sadly, “Rod said and you believed.”

Marcy attempted to say more words but her jaw remained shut, what could she say? She failed her and the guilt kept her quiet.

“So, you are only here now because Rod said it was all true.”

There was a long silence again.

“I just want another chance Melody. We can find our way back. I don’t want to lose you forever – just give me a chance”

Melody stood up and stretched, her fingertips touching the skies. A few clouds had gathered now in the sky but the sun was still relentless. She turned around and looked at her mother. Marcy looked at Melody with hope in her eyes.

“What’s the point mom? It’s too late.”

“No, it’s not. It’s not too late. Will you at least talk to me again if I come back?”

“Maybe.”

Melody strode off towards the main building without another word.