My last summer as a girl

I had many strange summers growing up.

The one when I was four was the one my parents divorced.

The one when I was seven was the one I moved to my dad.

The one when I was twelve was the one where I grew up.

It was one of the best ones I ever had.

The best thing about Greek summers are the nights. Sure, the noons at the beach with burning sand and salty water are also nice. And yeah, who wouldn't enjoy ice cream and going to museums. But the nights just hit different.

When you lay down in the sand, hearing the music from afar, feeling the vibration from dancing people, yeah then you feel alive.

For the summer when I was twelve, we returned to my grandparents house in the middle of nowhere. There was only one street where we kids brought our candy, the beach where we played and the cows, who just laid in the shadows if nothing ever happened.

The summer when I grew up was the last on I spent as a child. The last one where I chased off chickens with my brothers. The last one where I would play all day with the girls in the village. The last one without the burdens of womenhood, the last one where I didn't even knew there were burdens of womenhood.

Of course, I didn't knew it was the last one. It would be to good if I knew.

I just knew that it was the end of my best summer so far. We, my cousins and every other child in the village, spent the whole day together. We played hide and seek, a war between the Barbies and the Pirates and ate as much cake as there was.

But as any good day, even this one had to come to an end. I still know how I watched the sunset, already mourning the summer.

"Everything good?", Diana, my older sister asked. She had a piece of cake in her hand and offered it to me. I took it.

"I don't want this summer to end."

Diana sat down. She was older than me, way older, but she didn't looked that way. There wasn't a wrinkle in her face, even if she was tall as a tree.

"I know", she said, playing with my dress. It was orange with pink flowers. "But you can't change that."

"I know. But I wish I don't have to."

I wished to don't have to change the state I was in. To just stay what I was, stay in summer forever.

Diana smiled sadly, as if she knew what I meant.

"Don't worry", she said, as she unbraided my hair. "It may appear scary now, but every change is that at first. You are stronger than you think you are."

My pupils widened. As if I was stuck by a arrow, a realization hit me. At first I looked at the upcoming moon, than at Diana.

"I don't have a sister", I told Diana. Even if she was a complete stranger, I didn't felt scared by her presence. She just smiled again.

"You are really smart", she said, firstly looking at the moon, then at me. "No, you don't have biological sister."

We remained in silent. Just me, Diana and the moon. The stars on the sky shined like water in the sun.

"Who are you then?", I finally asked.

As I blinked, Diana looked different. The second time I blinked, she was a different person again. A different girl. A different woman.

"I have many names", she told me, like older students giving advices for younger ones. "Diana. Artemis. Abuk. Nane. Selardi. Dilga. Lauma. Mara. Artume. Moneiba. Hariti. Kumari."

She took my hand, helped me to get up. The color of her skin, her clothes, her hair, changed constantly.

"Brigit. Nabia. Ianuaria. Áine. Flidais. Hasinaw-uk-kamuy. Samsin halmeoni. Nephtys. He Xiangu. Iat. Nehmetawy. Renpet."

She offered me her hand. I immediately took it.

"Circe. Feronia. Thalna. Uni. Gefjon. Idunn. Brunhilde. Kára. Anumati. Bhadrakali. Mahagauri. Bahuchara Mata."

We went inside. Outside I could hear the adults hearing music, talking, laughing. I wanted to sit beside them, hearing what they're talking about but I was to tired.

"Banka-Mundi. Devi Kanya Kumari. Matrika. Periyachi. Shashthi. Inara. Hainuwele. Kadlu. Pukkeenegak. Abere. La'aka. Atabey."

She paused when we arrived in my room. I sat down on my bed.

"I know I'm too old but...."

I took a deep breath.

"Can you help me undress me?"

She looked into my eyes. There was the moon and the sun. There was a battlefield and a mother holding her baby. There was me.

"Of course. I will always help you. If you want."

Another realization hit me. I realized who she was.

"You are a godless, aren't you?", I asked her with widened eyes. She took the dress from me.

"I'm a girl. Just like you", she just answered, taking the dress away. Just to the table, but it felt much farer away.

"I'm not a goddess", my voice trembled. "I'm...nobody."

A tear emerged from my eye. In retrospect, I don't know why I cried. But she just came and wipt the tear away.

"That isn't true. You are everyone. Every girl of the past, present and future. You are your mothers, your sisters and your daughters."

And it was in her eyes. The girls. A Chinese girl running through the forrest. A group of Afghan girls laughing. A Indian girl crying.

To this day I don't know how I knew about the girls. I knew their names, the world out of their view, what they liked and what they loved to play.

"But I won't be a girl forever."

"And you don't have to be", she replied, holding my hand. "You can grow up to be a strong woman. Or a strong man."

"But I'm a girl!"

She laughed. "Not all girls grow up to be women."

I hesitated.

"But...would you still be there?"

"When?"

"When I'm...not a girl anymore."

She embraced me, holding me as close as a baby. I still remember her soft skin, which was warm and cold at the same time.

"I protect everyone who once was girl. I will always protect you."

"Even when I become a mother?"

"When you become a mother I will protect you and your daughters."

"And...when I would become a father...would you still protect me and my sons?"

She kissed my forehead. "I would also protect you and your sons, until they become boys."

"I don't understand that."

"You see, there is a difference between babies and girls and boys. Babies don't know how the world functions, they don't have a sense of what is happening", she said, standing up. "Babies grow up into girls and boys and then they're separated. They're still the same, of course, but the world's treats them differently."

She paused. "But you don't have to worry, there is a boy who protects the boys. Your brothers and your sons will be safe."

Silence again. Now that I understand what it means to be treated differently I would ask her a million different things.

Where were you in the summer when I was sixteen?

Or the one when I was six.

Where were you when my daughter was born?

Or my son.

Why do girls have to suffer that much? Why do women have to suffer that much.

But because it was the summer when I was twelve, I didn't had any more questions.

I just asked:"Can you tell me more of your names? I want to know all of them!"

She just smiled and nod.

"Bachué. Huitaca. Dzelarhons. Atahensic. Iyatiku. Hera. Chīmalmā. Juno. Mama Ocllo. Asdzą́ą́ Nádleehé. Mama Killa. Caipora."

She said it like a story. Because it was one, which can only be seen in the moment from one girl to another.

"Cihuacōātl. Ītzpāpālōtl. Cihuateteo. Xochiquetzal. Kokopelli. Bendis. Haumea. Waka. Ziewonja. Perperuna. Mokosh. Rod."

She took my pajamas and helped me to dress. I felt like a little child again, even when my body felt much more mature.

"Vesna. Etugen Eke. Kubai. Umay. Yer Tanri. Maderakka. Sarraka. Juksakka. Akka. Kaltes-Ekwa. Tusholi."

I went to bed. She put my hair of my face and gave me my stuffed animal, that I had since I was a little girl.

"Reitia. Mười hai Bà mụ. Aspalis. Kotharat. The triple goddess."

"Why do people call you the triple goddess?", I asked. "You're just one. "

She looked at herself and then at me. Her eyes still full of girls and ones who grew up.

"I am not just me. I am many. I am every girl who lived, lives or will live."

She took a deep breath, even if she didn't needed it.

"Just like you, little girl."

"Like me?"

She put her cold and warm hand against my cheek. "You are the embodiment of them all. You're soul is made of the souls of your mothers, just like the ones of your sisters. And the soul of your daughters will be made of yours, but also of the one from your sisters and your mothers."

I didn't said anything. My eyes couldn't stay open any longer.

"Sleep well, little girl", the girl said. She kissed my forehead, like my mother used to do it when I was younger. "Tomorrow will be a important day."

I closed my eyes and even while I slept, I knew that the girl watched over me the whole time.

The next day, I waked up alone. Blood was on my bed.

Like every little girl before me, I was scared at first. Even when I knew what menstruation was, even when we already talked about it in school, I panicked.

Then you're an woman, my teacher said about getting your first period.

No child anymore. No girl anymore.

But then I remembered the day before and smiled. I remembered that my mothers before me felt that way. That my sisters around the world feel the same as I. That my daughters will feel this way in the future.

I remembered, that even though I'm a biological woman now, I'm still a girl.