Commitment Issues

I used to hide Jemiah. Really, I did. I'd sneak her in through the back door and make her wait on the porch until I've checked if my roommates are asleep. Then she'd come in and cuddle me all night long. Asking me questions. Giving me love. That was some of the best sex I ever had. Best head no doubt.

But still, I never accepted her for more than someone to keep me good company. And I certainly didn't want my friends to know what kind of company she was keeping me. She was a bigger girl than I was used to and not somebody I ever saw myself with. She was from Miami and her heritage was Haitian, making her also one of the darkest women I had been with at the time. Her braids hung down to her big, beautiful ass and she always smelled strong, but in a good way. Although she was round, she wasn't fat by any stretch. She was defined in all the right ways and curvy like a small town back road in the hills of Virginia.

Yet, I couldn't see it for a while. Not only was she not my typical type with her looks, but I didn't aways get along with her. She had an attitude and bite that was hard to always take. She was very sensitive at times and bossy. Those were qualities I tried to avoid in my past, and especially when bringing them around my guy friends who sometimes were misogynistic when it comes to a woman with spark.

Of course over time I grew an appreciation for it, which I partially blame on my own mother being categorized as a strong, independent woman herself. The slight attitude became something I was accustomed to, especially now that I've been on such a streak with black women. They aren't all volatile and opinionated (obviously, I shouldn't even have to specify), but to expect something else is just plain foolish. If you don't like it, go get something you can handle.

I wouldn't say I immediately liked it, especially with Jemiah who was one of my first with this personality and the looks to match. I did however learn to put up with it quickly for the sake of my happiness. And I was happier when she was around. Definitely. Even with the headaches. Because with Jemiah, I knew she wanted me around. She liked me. She wanted more from me.

But I wasn't willing to give it. For all she offered, I was blind to the fact that loyalty is hard to come by. I strung her along for a while, not out of malicious intent like some of these toxic people my age. I felt like I was being honest at the time by telling her I wasn't ready for a relationship, but the fact is honesty means taking away sex. Honesty means taking away dates. Honesty is reflected in your intentions, not just your words.

I thought for sure she would inevitably cut it off. I just hoped I could have her as long as I could without obligation. Despite admitting to guilt in the last paragraph, I do still find it strange that it was considered a lack of commitment even though I was seeing her almost every other day. All because I didn't want to date her. Because I didn't want to promise her a future in my arms. It's confusing at times, when you're committed to someone in the present but aren't ready to reach into the future for guarantees. That's what ended my next relationship...

And that next relationship is what ended this one. Jemiah and I were cool. I loved seeing her. But while she was out of town for a month during Christmas break at LSU, I met another girl. I fell for her hard. She fell for me too. Enough to ask for immediate promises on monogamy. I gave it to her. I wasn't willing to risk losing this one.

In the process of that I had to tell Jemiah the hard truth. That I could no longer see her. By the time she came home I was already dating this other girl. We clicked. Our chemistry was undeniable. No way around it.

But two months later that girl left me because she could no longer guarantee me a future. And that's what I wanted. What me and her did aren't exactly the same but they were similar. I simply stopped way sooner in leading on my victim. But what is one sin to judge the other. I still asked for emotional and physical connection without long-term attachment. Which is, quite frankly, an impossible request without feelings getting hurt.

I think about Jemiah from time to time. If we'd still be together if I chose her over the other. If I had never looked elsewhere while she was out of town. Her loyalty was her strongest quality. I have to believe that if I simply told her I would try she'd be grateful for that. Maybe, over time, I'd grow to not only like her, but love her. And at that point wouldn't care about my perceived flaws of her. Because we all have them.

I don't know if I learned my lesson. I dated another gorgeous, great, loyal woman just to leave her a thousand miles away. It wasn't because of her - I'm chasing a dream in Hollywood that my home town just couldn't itch. But still, my priorities haven't proven to be right. Assuming there is a wrong or right - I guess I couldn't know right now. But I do know that if I got another chance, with any of those three ladies, I'd handle it differently. Unfortunately that doesn't happen in life. So, cheers to whoever's next.

www www www www www www ww www www www www www www wwww www www www www www www www www www www ww ww www www wwww www www www wwww www www www www